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Al-Sahaf to Run Steeler Propaganda Consortium

May 04, 2003 by Still Mill

Al-Sahaf Hired to Run Steeler Propaganda Consortium


Former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammad Saeed Al-Sahaf has been appointed to the post of Information Minister of the newly formed Steeler Propaganda Consortium. 


The newly formed consortium is a joint venture by the Steelers; The GilDong Apologists Association (GAA); The GilDongites (a sect of the Mennonites, whose pledge is, "In Dong We Trust"); Steelers Digest; and a majority of reporters from the mainstream Pittsburgh media.  


Al-Sahaf held his first press conference yesterday, and before going into a staccato outburst of staunch assertions, Al-Sahaf noted, "This alliance has been formed to inform the Steeler fans, all of them, the truth on what goes on with the Pittsburgh Steelers.  We assure you that despite anything you might have seen yourself, even with your own eyes, it is not true.  The truth only comes from this alliance, anything else is an imperialist lie." 


        (Al-Sahaf gives his first briefing from the Steeler conference room.)


According to a media release, the Propaganda Consortium will enable such daft simpletons as Gerry Dulac, Bob Labriola, Teresa Varley, Ron Cook, Jerry DiPaola, John Skawski, and Ed Bouchette to �channel and consolidate their untiring efforts� on behalf of the Steeler spin machine, �thereby creating efficiencies and synergy in order to maximize the volume of propaganda issued to the public and the Steeler fan base�.  Instead of all of these spinmeisters writing separate drivel of outlandish praise and glad tidings about the Steelers and the Holy Trinity (Cowher, Bettis, and GilDong), they merely have to convey their thoughts to Al-Sahaf, who will hold regular press conferences similar to the ones he so adroitly held during Operation Iraqi Freedom. 


(Click here to see video footage of the press conference�.)


Excerpts from Al-Sahaf's first briefing include the following:


- "Jason Gildon is a demonic terror on the football field�a monster that cannot be stopped�. in fact, he is a force that has never been stopped."


- "Bill Cowher has never lost a playoff game to an inferior opponent.  It simply has never happened.  Bill Cowher is the greatest playoff coach, ever." 


- "Jason Gildon and Bill Cowher are just like my former boss�ruthless, cunning, and unstoppable.  None of these 3 men have ever been stopped and they never will be."



- "Jason Gildong never turns his back on the man blocking him.  Never I tell you!"


- "Bill Cowher has never been out-coached.  He always has the enemy surrounded, even as we speak they are surrounded."


- "Jason Gildon covers receivers like a blanket.  My people believe that if Jason wanted to blanket the earth, he could do so in a matter of minutes."


- "There is no truth to the rumor that Jason Gildong is soft.  And Jason Gildon has never been bullied.  Never, I tell you."


-  "Jon Witman was one of the most feared blockers in the NFL, ever.   Opponents quivered when the sight of Jon Witman came at them."  


- "There is no such thing as a 'Wide Loop Rush'.  That does not exist.  We have never seen it.  No one has.  When Jason Gildon rushes the QB, he mauls the blocker and gets to the QB in a straight path within 2 seconds." 


- "Jason Gildong has put 17 opposing players in the hospital with his crushing hits."


-  "Jerome Bettis weighs 255 pounds and he is, I assure you, in the greatest shape of his life.   He has never weighed more than 255 and anyone who says he weighed more, is an imperialist liar."  


- "Offensive linemen tremble with fear when they have to face Jason Gildong.  Opposing linemen would prefer to face a Jihad than face the terror of Jason Gildon"


- "Mark Bruener is one of the greatest tight ends to ever play the game of football.  His skills are unmatched and without him, we as the Pittsburgh Steelers would be nothing and would have nothing."


- �Jason Gildon single-handedly has the opposing quarterback surrounded.  Even as we speak, Gildon has surrounded the QB.� 


- "Jason Gildon has the 'Big Bullrush', and this Bullrush cannot be stopped by any opponent.  We can safely say that nobody has ever stopped The Bullrush and we know it to be true that only Allah can stop The Bullrush." 


-   Referring to a large chart (see picture, below)�."Jason Gildon has been the victim of unfair tactics by the enemy.  Notice how many opposing players are assigned to block Jason on each and every play.  There are 3, 4, even 5 men blocking Gildon on each and every play.  This is a capitalist conspiracy by tyrannical imperialist pigs and we ask the world to recognize this and help stop this oppression."


- "Jason Gildon drops back into coverage almost every down.  That is why some people think his play has dropped off.  In fact, his play has not dropped off, it got even better."


- �Jason Gildon makes opposing linemen weep in fear at the cruel fate they are about to receive.� 


- �Jerome Bettis is not fat.  The truth is that all the other players in the NFL are fat, so it makes Da Bus look fat. I assure you, he is as fit and trim as any soldier of the elite Republican Guard.� 


- "There is no better tactical mind in football than Coach Billy Cowher.  I assure you, he is a genius.  He is a master tactician, similar to the generals I knew in the Iraqi Army.  There is no problem on the field that he cannot solve." 


- "There is no truth to the rumor that there are better LBs in the NFL than Jason Gildong.  Another imperialist lie, I tell you." 


Al-Sahaf wrapped up his press conference with this final statement:  "In the spirit of the major media of Pittsburgh and other, shall I say, pom pom outlets, our alliance will continue to provide you with the real truth on the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Anything else you read, or anything you might see during a game, is pure lies and a mirage, I tell you.  I can tell you that with strict confidence because I know it is the truth." 


(Still Mill and -- the only nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)



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