Ding Dong, The GilDong's Gone !! (June 2nd, 2004)
It's hard to believe...but alas, it's true -- Jason GilDong is GONE !!
The most overpaid fraud in Steeler franchise history is finally hist-o-ree !! The Kong of Dong is done!
No more will Stiller fans have to endure watching Jason getting bulldozed by a fullback�.or watching Jason getting bamboozled on the naked bootleg�.or watching Jason stumble and bumble while back in pass coverage�..or watching Jason loop around the Horn of Africa in his feeble attempts to harass the QB�.or watching Jason flop n' flail with tackling technique more befitting a 3rd grader on the school playground. Jason GilDong is gone! He's done! He's outa here!
Sure enough, before the ink dries on this article, you'll see a plethora of articles from card-carrying members of The GilDong Apologists Association (GAA), such as Ron Cook, Jerry DiPaola, Gerry Dulac, Teresa Varley, and Bob Labriola, who will wail and lament the loss of Big Jason GilDong. And you can bet that pom-pom waving fans sites, like SteelerGayNation, will cry and sob at the loss of Big Jason. The fact of the matter, however, is that Big Jason was an over hyped, overrated, overpaid slouch, who benefited enormously from scheme; playing amongst many great players; and cheesy Dong Sacks and stack jumps. The biggest mistake this franchise ever made was lavishing Jason with the incredible largess of a $24M contract in early 2002, unbelievably before the FA period ever began.
Every Steeler media outlet and fan site lauded that signing of Big Jason, sans one: Stillers.com. Stillers.com stood apart from the crowd and, as usual, was dead-on accurate in its analysis that Jason�s signing was a horrific blunder. Sure enough, you'll hear babble about, "Jason was good when he was signed, but then he slowed down." Make no mistake -- Jason never "slowed down". He's no slower today than he was in 1998. He was the same clueless, oafish, clumsy, duck-footed 1-trick pony then as he is now. This is a man who has never, ever sustained ANY kind of injury, and, combined with his being in very good shape, he is no slower now than he was 5 years ago. It's simply that the truth has finally caught up to this overpaid, over hyped, stack-jumping fraud, albeit 4 years too late. Nothing more, nothing less�.regardless of whatever weak-assed rationalizing you may hear from the likes of Dale Lolleygag, Jim Waxall, John Skawski, and other small-minded simpletons.
No longer will Stiller fans have to endure Jason's pitiful, putrid, softee style of play. And Stiller fans can now begin to eradicate from their memories, horrific game-losing plays in the playoffs, such as Jason's stumble & bumble while covering Shannon Sharpe on the game-clinching 3rd & 6 in the Jan. 1998 AFC title game, or Jason's outright quitting while getting abused by David Patten for the key TD reception in the Jan. 2002 AFC title game.
Join together everybody, and sing along!
Ding Dong! The GilDong is gone. Which old Dong? The Gilded Dong!
Ding Dong! The GilDong is gone.
Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the 6 Million Dollar Dong is gone. He's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
The Gilded Dong is gone!
Actually, although Jason is linked to the Wicked Witch by virtue of the words in this song, Jason most closely resembled The Tin Man. Why? Because neither had a heart. Jason -- a complete joke of a team captain -- played a gutless, heartless style of football, in which he avoided contact; turned his back to blockers, and did little more than titty-fight with opposing blockers. Oh, sure, Jason loved to act menacing by woofing and barking and prancing after a meaningless Dong Sack or a meaningless stack jump, but that was just an act, and a very weak act at that. The reality was that this proud Steelers franchise has never had a softer, weaker, more heartless & gutless coward start at LB for so many seasons as did Jason GilDong.
The further reality is that Peter King, the Sports Illustrated columnist who recently proclaimed, �I know this: Gildon's a great leader who will play hard until he keels over,� obviously hasn�t spent more than 2 minutes watching any of Jason�s play the past several seasons. Absolutely nothing could be further from the truth than King�s outrageous balderdash. I know this: Jason has been an overtly poor leader. Real leaders -- like Rod Woodson, Greg Lloyd, and Hines Ward -- lead by example, playing with hustle and gusto on every snap in every game. �Plays hard until he keels over��.? One of the most outrageous statements made thus far in this century. I know this: they don�t call him �Joggin� Jason� for nothing, and the only �keeling over� Jason does is lazily flopping onto the stack of a well-stuffed ballcarrier in hopes of gaining some more cheese statistics, or flopping to the turf with his patented Flop n� Flail technique. And I do know this: Peter King totally embarrassed himself with such bald-faced poppycock. Lest anyone forget, GilDong played in virtually every play in every game in 2003, yet finished a pitiful 8th on the defense in tackles. Yup�.that sure sound like a �great leader who will play hard until he keels over.�
Apparently, King must have seen plays such as the ones below from the 2003 season, and this is King�s idea of �playing hard until he keels over� --
Game 4 @ Tenn: He played so hard that he had 1 solo the entire game. As Eddie George cruises by, here�s Jason �playing hard until he keels over� -- he's flat on his back, with his ass and feet up in the air, imitating an upside-down crab.
Here�s Jason �playing hard and keeling over� -- on all fours like an advocate for homosexual marriage.
Jason keeling over�..after yet another whiff on the Flop n� Flail�
Another classic �working hard till he keels over� by Jason GilDong�.
Here�s Jason keeling over -- back onto his ass � after getting mauled and manhandled by Shannon Sharpe�.
Another superlative keel-over by Big Jason�..and yet another burial.
And yet another keel-over�.and yet another burial.
On this 51-yard TD play, Jason rrrreally played hard until he keeled over�.
Gee, I�m really impressed with all of the keeling over by Big Jason GilDong.
In keeping with the analogies from the big screen, Big Jason very closely resembles The Puss In Boots from the movie, Shrek. Jason's softee, kitten-like play had long ago given him the nickname Puss In Boots, long before Shrek made its millions. It's actually quite conceivable that the creators of Shrek created their Puss In Boots character with Jason GilDong in mind.
At any rate, join together and rejoice! The Gilded Dong is Gone!! Bye-bye, Jason! Don't let the door hit ya in the ass!
(To review the 2003 Season-in-Review GilDong Report, click here.)
In memory of Big Jason GilDong: in random order, his long list of monikers includes:
The Paper Tiger
The Kong of Dong
The Princess of Cheeze
The $23M Fraud
The Gilded Dong
Mister Cheeze (taken from Lynrd Skynrd's Mr. Breeze)
Jason The Gimcrack
The Duckfooted Boy Blunder
The Floppy Dong
Puss In Boots
The 6 Million Dollar Dong
The Bullshitting Bullrusher
The Bully of Bullrushing
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)