Stillers.com Obtains Recording of Arians� Abortion
Our crack fan base here at Stillers.com includes some astute wireless communication gurus. Lo and behold, they were able to intercept, and record, the conversation that took place during the timeout just before the infamous �Arians� Abortion� on 3rd down & 6 late in the 4Q of the Jax loss.
First, some background. Here was the situation. It was 3rd & 6, at the Stiller 26, with 2:56 remaining. Jax had TWO timeouts, plus the 2-minute warning, which means there is an ETERNITY of time remaining on the clock for an opponent that needs only a FIELD GOAL to win the game. With kick coverage that couldn�t cover a toddler in a romper room, plus a punter that shanks more balls than a circus clown, the very thought of punting the ball had to be akin to having a root canal without Novocain. Time clearly did not matter here; getting a 1st down and moving the chains did.
Herewith is the transcript of the conversation that took place during that critical timeout --
Tomlin: Allright men, let�s gather around�..!
Arians: Don�t worry, Coach�I have the perfect playcall.
Tomlin: Ok great, let�s hear it�
Arians: We�ll do the ol� �Ben Keeper Left��..
Tomlin: The what�.??
Arians: We�ll do the ol� �Ben Keeper Left�, around end�..
Arians: And, he keeps the ball around end��!
Tomlin: And��.then�.. what the fuck comes next��.?
Arians: Uhh, nothing�he just keeps the ball and runs for the first down�.
Tomlin: So, you want me to have my slow-assed QB run to his LEFT, with no option to pass, and �just run� for the first down, which is 6 yards away��..?
Arians: Yes, that�s right, Coach� And it worked great in practice!!
Tomlin: Hey Ben, when you ran this in practice, who did you run it against ??
Benji: Uh, I think we had Potsie Farrior at ILB, Dick Eason at DE, Cooper at OLB, and Anthony Smith at DB
Tomlin: Bruce, you ran this play against the slowest starting ILB in the NFL, along with a 4th string DE, a 4th string OLB, and Toast Smith. Do you really think it�ll work against the starters on the AFC�s toughest run defense ??
Arians: Sure thing, Coach�..I designed it myself. Plus, I used to run this play all the time in Cleveland and it worked great.
Tomlin: Well, okay��but Ben�s on fire this half. The only plays he�s not converted are my idiot 2-point conversion attempts��everything else, he�s lights out. Why not let our franchise QB win the game for us right here with a 1st down on a simple pass to good ol� Hines, or Heath, or Holmesie, or even Cedric�.?
Ben: Yeah, Coach, let me hook up with Hines on the easy slant, or Holmes. Or I can hit Heath on a drag. Coach, they ain�t stopped us all 2nd half in our passing game�..I know we can complete a pass for 6 yards��and if nothing is open, I could do an impromptu scramble and either gain the 6 on a busted run or hit an open receiver after I start to scramble.
Ward: Yeah, Coach�.nobody has covered me yet this half. If there is a WR in the NFL that can get you 6 yards and a key 1st down, you�re looking at him�!
Arians: Coach, we don�t care about the first down. All�s we want to do is milk the clock. By golly, we�ll milk this bay-bee like a cow !! This is why I ordered the 2 line plunges already on this drive. We�ll milk this like a lactating momma !! And even if we don�t make the 1st down, we can always punt and pin the Jags back deep.
Tomlin: Back deep�? We�re on our own 26, fer chrissakes. Sepulveda hasn�t launched a deep punt since Halloween. And have you ever seen our coverage teams��??
Arians: Our coverage teams are fine, Coach. Don�t be so negative�.!
Tomlin: Allright, what is the blocking scheme again on this play�..?
Arians: Well, on a combo left, Hines comes in motion, and cracks on the DE. Essex pulls waaaay wide to the left. Crybaby Alan takes the DT. Miller and a pulling Mahan take the ILB.
Tomlin: Okay, Bruce�.sounds as complicated as a Chinese fire drill��or some disorganized scheme that Donald Rumsfeld might have invented� And who blocks the CB that was on Hines in the 1st place�..? Isn�t he unblocked ?
Arians: Yes, but don�t worry �bout the small details, Coach�.Ben�ll think of something as he�s running. He�ll be just fine�..!
Tomlin: Remember, if this doesn�t work, my ass will be in a sling�.
Arians: Coach, remember�.. I ain�t no rookie Offensive Coordinator here��I was in this here same job in Cleveland several years ago�..
Tomlin: Yeah, and remind me again how that one turned out, Brucie�.?
Arians: Well, there was this small run-in with management��and I kind of got the short end of the stick----
REFEREE: Gentlemen, the Timeout is over, back onto the field�.!
Tomlin: Ok Ben, you�ve got the playcall�..
(Ben jogs out to the huddle�)
Linemen, in unison: Ben, what�s the playcall�.?
Ben: Combo left, trips right, Arians Abortion��.Arians Abortion, on 1, on 1�..ready, break !
Entire huddle, in unison: (collective groan�)
Ben: Blue 39, Blue 39��Green 36, Green 36, hut !
Ben (running with ball): Oh, shit��!!
All the whilst, there was a yinzer on a perch above Heinz Field, crowing, �All Hail Arians Nation!! Bruce Arians is the greatest !! All hail !! �
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close�.)