MY ADVICE TO MILL
-Plus, a recap of the local news and my Super Bowl bets
A few days ago, Mill stated he had a dilemma as to how to watch the game on Sunday. Here is my advice � PUT THE NOTEBOOK AWAY. The only need you have for a notebook is if you plan on rating the commercials. Otherwise, TiVO the game and watch it with your notepad later in the week. First off, on Monday, we are all going to still be drunk or hung over, still celebrating our victory, or, we will be still drunk or hung over cussing at anything that moves. It will not hurt anyone if we have to wait a few days for your grades. And besides, after I tell you how to watch the game, I will give your game grades for three key personnel. Feel free to cut and paste. Since you will probably be like most of us, you will be tired of the pre-game show around 2:30. Take the next three and a half hours to get your supplies ready. Make sure to have several bowls of your favorite snacks close by. Make sure Mrs Mill has cooked up some kielbasa and kraut or whatever the Mrs and the Little Mills like. Have several libations on hand, within arms reach. If the local establishments stock the Rolling Rock Myron Cope Commemorative Cans, buy a case of the Rock. Make sure that Mrs Mill and the Little Mills know where the beer is so they can restock you as needed during the game. When the players are introduced, boo loudly when the Seahawks are announced. When it comes time for the Steelers� Offense, grab the Terrible Towel in one hand and a beer in the other. Act like You are in the tunnel when they are introduced, in line with the rest of the team for High-5�s, Low 5�s, or whatever 5 they are doing. As the announcer says �Starting at LG, from LSU, #66, Alan Faneca�, start waving the towel, and say something like �Knock �em on their ass today Alan.�� �At WR, from Georgia, #86, Hines Ward��.wave the towel, drink the beer, and offer Hines your encouragement. �At running back, from Notre Dame, #36, Jerooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome Bettis. Wave the towel frantically, chug the remainder of the beer, and say this �This one is for you Bus. Urlacher a few Seahawks today.� Then, during the game, when Porter gets a sack, no one will care if no one blocks him, if three people block him, or if he gets to the QB by way of the beer man in the upper deck. Hoot and holler and scream, �Way to get to the QB, Joey.� Watch the game this way, the whole game. If the Little Mills have trouble sleeping in the second half, well, their teachers will understand come Monday morning when they are decked out in their favorite Steelers attire. (by the way, on the radio today, there was talk of some school districts here having a two hour delay.) Now, as promised, I will help you with a few of your grades:
Joey Porter � The yinzer fan may be impressed with the 14 tackles or the 4 sacks, 3 forced fumbles, 2 recovered fumbles, one for a TD, 4 passes defended, and an INT return for a TD. But not this reporter. If you watch the game closely, on all the plays to the other side of the field, and the long passes, Joey was nowhere to be seen. To me, that must mean he was standing around with his thumb up his ass. And on 3 or 4 plays, he was blocked and couldn�t get to the tackle. You may think he had a good game, but on half the plays I couldn�t even see him on the screen. Grade = D+
Jerome Bettis � Again, to the uninformed, they may be
impressed with his 5 50-yard TD runs � 5 carries, 250 yards, 5 TD�s might seem
impressive. But, it isn�t. If you counted, and I did, he only Urlachered a
total of 7 people total on his TD runs. What the hell is that? And, on his
second and third TD�s, while it might seem impressive, this crack reported
noticed that the CB that started clean on the other side of the field almost
caught him. Simply a terrible game by the Doughboy. Grade = D
Bill Cowher � Simply did not have this team ready. My high
school team could have scored 50 on Seattle today, so a 62-0 victory is
nothing. NOTHING. Cowturd turtled the whole game, he simply did not have this
team ready. Grade = F
There you go Mill. Enjoy the game!
Here is a sample of what has been going on with the local
news:
Anchorman: Good evening. Our top story tonight is the
Steelers in Detroit for the Super Bowl. We have sent every reporter who has
ever worked for us to Detroit. Our coverage starts with reporters Pinkie and
The Brain. Brain, how are things going?
Brain: Well, I do have a plan to take over the world. But,
the reason we are here is the Super Bowl. At tonight�s extravaganza, we ran
into Swin Cash. Swin, how are you tonight?
Swin: Fine, Brain.
Brain: Swin, you grew up in McKeesport, only a long
3-pointer away from Heinz Field. You won 2 WPIAL titles, by the way, for those
who don�t know, the WP stands for Western Pennsylvania. You won one PIAA title
while in high school. By the way, the P stands for Pennsylvania. You play professional
basketball in Detroit, and have absolutely NO ties to Seattle. Who are you
rooting for come Sunday?
Swin: (giving Brain the same look Jeff Reed gave Channel 4
reporter Wendy Bell, �when asked how he
would deal with the rain and wind of Detroit) Um, the Steelers, of course.
Brain: There you have it, Pinky, Swin Cash, a Pittsburgh gal
with no ties to Seattle, is rooting for the hometown team. Now, over to you.
Pinky: Well, Brain, tonight we were at the big gala
downtown. There is Paul Tagliabue entering the black-tie affair. We were lucky
to catch up with McKeesport native, Swin Cash. Swin, you went to school at
McKeesport, only a long 3-pointer from Heinz Field. You won two WPIAL titles,
and one PIAA title. You have no ties to Seattle. Who do you think will win
Sunday.
Swin: (giving the Reed/Bell look again) � Um, the Steelers,
of course.
Pinky: Now, back to you at the studio.
Anchorman: In other news around the world, there appears to
be a severe water shortage in Paris, France. Authorities are blaming it on 10%
of the population taking a bath on the same night. Tokyo, Japan was destroyed
today, by a reptile-like huge animal which appeared out of the ocean. The
Japanese call this creature �Godzilla�. And, the �Big One� finally hit, a 9.7
earthquake rocked California today. There was lots of damage and many
casualties. The good news, if you owned property in Yuma, Arizona, you now live
on the beach. Now, over to �����um, Patti, the makeup gal, what are you doing
at the weather desk?
Patti: Well, our whole team of crack weathermen are huddled
deep inside Ford Field, frantically trying to figure out the weather for Sunday�s
game. So, I�m the only one left. Tonight, cloudy and a low of 31, tomorrow,
partly cloudy with a high of 40. Now, back to you.
Anchorman: Well, there have been rumors that Jerome Bettis
is actually from Detroit. To try and confirm those reports, we dispatched
Larry, Moe, and Curly to check into this. Boys, what do you have?
Curly: Nyuk, nyuk, well soitenly the rumors have been flying
that The Bus is from Detroit. We have Mrs Bettis here. Mrs Bettis, is it true
that you are from Detroit?
Mrs Bus: Yes, he is. I thought everyone knew tha, you
baldheaded stooge. .
Curly: Oh, a wise guy. Now, over to Moe. (segment ends as
Mrs Bettis blocks the famous poke-in-the eye attempt by Curly, just as a cream
pie lands in Mrs Bettis� face.
And, that is how the news has been this week. Whoever did
the interview with Swin Cash, did, indeed, actually ask her who she was pulling
for.
Here are my Super Bowl Bets:
$50 on Steelers �4.
Over/Under on number of Steelers catching a pass is 6 �. I
am placing $50 on OVER.
Net yards by the Steelers is 320 �. I am putting $100 on OVER.
Total number of sacks by both teams is 4 �. I am betting $50
on OVER.
Over/Under on Big Ben�s passing yards is 220 �. $100 on OVER.
16 � is over/under on Big Ben�s number of completions: $100
OVER.
I am also putting down $25 on 5/2 odds that Big Ben is
game MVP.