The GilDong Report (Game #3, vs. Cleve)
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper
statistics the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3
seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their
point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take
time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
Jason
finished a game that went into overtime with a whopping total of 1 solo and 1
assist.� That's right -- 1 solo and 1
assist for a man who was on the field for each and every play that the
Cleveland offense ran.��
{Speaking of stats, we've
expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of the Flop
& Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness that this
stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop & Flail, in which
Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well as the numerous
varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against ballcarriers that are
otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually knows something
about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.� 1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at
a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the
ball into scoring range.� Personally
allowing a first down is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to
remain on the field and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line in football is
the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are
required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
This week's GilDong� Report is one of the easier I've ever had to
compile.� Why?� When a player does nothing, then there's nothing to
analyze and write about.�� And when that
happens, compiling the GilDong Report is as easy as, well, blocking a pansy
linebacker like Jason GilDong.�
In chrono order, here's a recap
of Big Jason's game versus Clev:
- On a 2d & 2 on the
first Clev drive, the Browns ran a counter right with Green toting the
ball.� A pulling lineman swung out and
blocked Big Jason.�� For once, Big Jason
wasn't bulldozed and destroyed like he often is, yet at the same time, GilDong
did nothing more than titty-fight.� This
was a portent of thing to come, because all Jason did the rest of the afternoon
was tittyfight and play pattycakes with whomever was assigned to block
him.�
- A few plays later, Green
tried to run up left guard, but was corralled in the backfield by a host of
Stillers.� The play was well over and
whistled dead, and then the big he-man, Jason GilDong, comes flying onto the
pile like a complete jackass.� Only
because the NFL rarely throws the flag in this kind of instance did the
Stillers dodge a 15-yard flag.� That's
some great "leadership" from the supposed defensive captain.
- Three plays later, on a
1st & 10 at the Pit 41, Couch ran a designed roll to his right.�� Couch had plenty of time, and had so much
time that he gradually drifted more and more to his right, finally setting up
just a few yards from the sideline.� By
this time, Jason was able to easily go by the RT and head toward the QB, since
the RT was blocking under the assumption of a basic rollout-and-throw.� Jason got light, marginal pressure, and with
no one open after 6 seconds, Couch threw the ball away.�� This play is mentioned merely for� any of the dim-bulbed GilDongers out there
who might otherwise try to claim the load of bullshit that "Jason had big
pressure and forced Couch to throw the ball away�"
-
On the 2nd Clev possession, they had a 2nd & 18 from their own 33.� On this play, Jason lined up almost as a NT,
but slightly toward the RG, while A. Smith lined up as a wide-like DE.� On a designed stunt, Smith slanted hard to
the inside at the snap, while Jason looped to his left in hopes of stunting
around the right tackle of the Cleveland line.�
The Browns ran a basic running play, handing the ball off to White on a delay
up RT.� Of course, as usual, the Ray
Charles of NFL Linebacking, Jason GilDong, failed to read or recognize the
handoff and the fact that this was a running play.� Jason ended up getting pushed and bullied wide by the RG,
offering no resistance and doing absolutely nothing to disengage or
disrupt the running play.� The
result?� A huge hole up RT that
literally could have accommodated Noah's Ark.�
While Jason GilDong -- "Mr. Blow Bowl" -- stood around
tittyfighting and patty-caking, White dashed untouched en route for a 54-yard
jaunt.� But hey�Jason GilDong is a
"pro bowler" and the team captain�
-
On the very next play, Green ran the ball up RT.� In girlish fashion, Jason was bullied and bulldozed a full FOUR
yards off the line of scrimmage, and Green easily rumbled for a 4-yard
gain.�
-
At 6:30 of the 2Q, Green ran the ball up RT.��
Either Heiden or Campbell (difficult to tell #82 or #83)� blocked Big Jason, and sort of drove him
from the 40 to the 45 yard line. The Clev. player didn't actually bulldoze The
Paper Tiger -- though that's happened hundreds of times in the past -- but more
so chucked Big Jason and buffeted him back 5 yards off the LOS.� Yet another classic case of Jason
tittyfighting a SMALLER man and doing nothing, while Green runs by for an easy,
casual 4-yard gainer.�
-
On Clev's first play of the 3Q, they gave the ball to White around their right
end.� On this play, Big Jason was sealed
in as easy as pie, in yet another example of what we true Pittsburghers refer
to as pussy football. �Jason accepted the block; offered no resistance, and
did nothing.� Luckily for The Dong, the
rest of the defense saved his bacon and held White to a short gain.�
-
On a 2d & 10 from the Clev 42, at 11:01 of the 3Q, Jason recorded his one
and only solo.� Couch hit White
on a valve dump near the middle of the field.�
Jason came off his feeble-assed pass rush -- in which he'd progressed
all of 3 inches into the Browns' backfield -- and came over as Foote was
attempting the tackle.� Foote missed,
and the juking White was an easy target even for a piss-poor tackler like The
Flopper, who made a solo stop that 98 out of 100 NCAA freshmen football players
could have made.�
-
On a 2d & 10 from the Clev. 36, at 7:34 of the 3Q, White ran the ball wide
to his right. �He easily went around
Jason, who once again had a lousy read and recognition.� Luckily, Townsend -- a little man who plays
3 times bigger than his defensive captain -- made the stop.�
-
On a 2d & 7 at the Pit 38, at 2:54 of the 3Q, White ran the ball up RT.� Once again, Jason was as soft as buttered
cream, and all the big, bad, supposed pro bowler could muster was to tittyfight
with the blocker, while White ran right by for an EASY 6-yard gain.� Funny how some fans -- especially those at
queer internet hangouts like The Gay Nation -- gush and fawn over a Jason
Gildon Dong Sack that produces a 4-yard loss, yet conveniently
overlook the NFL's biggest pussy spending an entire play aimlessly tittyfighting
while a RB ambles by for a hefty 6-yard gainer.�
-
On a 1st & 10 at the Clev 43, at 7:04 of the 4Q, White took a handoff on a
play designed to go up the gut, but upon seeing no hole, bounced it wide to his
right.� After gaining a nice 4 yards,
White was hauled down from behind by The Gilded Dong, who appeared to get a
hand on White's mask.�� A flag was
initially thrown on Jason, but was picked up, and the entire play was negated
due to a Clev. penalty.�
- A few plays later, on a
3d & 26, White took a delayed handoff up RT.� Jason, as usual, was totally oblivious to the handoff, and
blindly rushed upfield like a greenhorned rookie, not a player who's been
starting in the NFL since 19 fucking 96.��
Logan -- yet another small player who plays 3 times BIGGER than Big
Jason -- made the stop.�
- In overtime, on 2d &
6 at the Pit 30, White ran the ball up RT.��
Hampton slid down the line and made the hit and the stop, and as White
was falling and was inches from the ground, Jason was there to give him a
love-tap kind of nudge that did absolutely nothing more than buy Jason a cheesy
assist.�
That's it.� Pass rush?�
Once again�.you are joking, right??�� Jason did nothing more than tittyfight on his rushes.�� Unlike last season, in which Jason
collected numerous sacks vs. Cleveland in which he was either totally untouched
& unblocked, or blocked by stumblebum Roger Chanoine, Jason actually had to
get by a semi-competent NFL player, and he was thoroughly unable to do
that.� And, as I often harp on, it's not
the sacks that I worry about, because the sack is the single most over-rated,
most meaningless stat in all of the 4 major professional sports.� What I want from a pass rusher is
harassment�.disruption�.punishing hits on the QB.� Jason gave us NONE of this on Sunday.�� All he did the entire game was play pattycake and tittyfight.�� That's it�nothing more.�
Right about now, there will
be more carping and crying from the GilDongites (In Dong We Trust is
their motto) about "(sniff)�.but Gildon was in pass coverage all
day�(sob).. how could he rush the passer?"�� Roughly speaking, and counting a couple plays that were
nullified by flags, Big Jason GilDong was in coverage on 11 passes and rushed
the passer on 24.� Yet, despite
the massive preponderance of being allowed to rush the QB, Jason GilDong never
even sniffed Tim Couch, and obviously never put a hit on the QB or forced him
into a bad pass.� For the outrageously
fatty sum of $23.5M, for the third consecutive week Jason accomplished jack
shit in an entire day of football ...no pressures, no flushes, no harassment,
no hits as the pass is released, no shedding of blockers on running plays�no
nothing.� On the other hand, if GilDong
were paid according to the amount of barf-inducing plays that are befitting of
female power-puff football, Jason would be looking at earnings far exceeding
any clever insider deal by Martha Stewart.�
On a related note, what's the difference between Martha Stewart and
Jason GilDong?� Answer: They both stole
money, and they're both feminine in their approach�but unlike The Flopper,
Martha doesn't get bullied, bulldozed, and whipped like a red-headed
stepchild.� And unlike Jason GilDong -- the
Titan of Tittyfighting -- Martha doesn't like to spend an entire
afternoon playfully slapping at someone else's tits.�
Real linebackers do more
than tittyfight an entire game.�� Real
All Pro players do more than tittyfight and play pattycakes for over 60 minutes
of football.� Real leaders and pro
bowlers go out and attack and seize the initiative and MAKE
PLAYS, not stand around slapping the tits of an opposing blocker the
ENTIRE game.� The real shame is that
Jason GilDong isn't playing much worse than he has in previous seasons.� Jason has always been a pussy of a
linebacker.� Shamefully, the fans have
given Jason a free pass and lots of idolatry, merely because he recorded the
occasional Dong Sack.� The Dong Sacks
have dried up this year, and amusingly enough, fans are starting to see through
the fa�ade and are seeing what a pathetic paper tiger their tittyfighting
"defensive leader" actually is.
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 3 games:
Earned Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�: 0
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing Whiffs: 4
First downs allowed:� 7
TDs allowed:� 1
