The GilDong Report (Game #15, vs. Chargers)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason
Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable
time the past 4 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason
Gildon.� (Click here to read the 2002 season-in-review
GilDong Report)� Big Jason
has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are
incorporating this into their point systems.)�
Again in '03, we'll take time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for
the fraud that he truly is.
In a season
in which he has done virtually nothing, Jason GilDong, known
around the league as The Dogger �for his penchant of dogging it, had yet another weakassed game in
which he hit nobody, did nothing, and stole oxygen from players who could have
used it.� Jason The Gimcrack was credited
with 1 solos and 1 assists, but as we shall see, Jason only had 2 incredibly
feeble assists and 0 (zero) solos.�
{Speaking of stats, last year we
expanded our "Dong stats" and will do so for the 2003 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of the Flop
& Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness that this
stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop & Flail, in which
Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well as the numerous
varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against ballcarriers that are
otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually knows something
about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.� 1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at
a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the
ball into scoring range.� Personally
allowing a first down is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to
remain on the field and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line in football is
the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are
required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a recap of
Big Jason's game versus the Chargers:
1. 1-10 SD 42 12:26 2Q. As RB
Ladainian Tomlinson takes the handoff, Big Jason flows down the line, and as is
usual for a mental midget who can't read a football play even as low as the Pop
Warner level, Jason overflows. �
�but Jason (red line, below) still
has a GOLDEN shot at stopping LD for a short gain.� Just look at the photo, which shows Jason only 2 INCHES away from
the RB�.
��
�instead, the big, he-man
"pro bowler" feebly flops at the RB and FLAILS in a laughable display
of NFL linebacking.� Yes, in the final
pic, below, that's your $6M dong, Jason GilDong, flat on his ass after yet
another FLOP N' FLAIL.
��� 
LD gained an easy 9 yards on this
carry.� Of course, The GilDongites will
be quick to claim, "But�.but�(sob)�.you don't know Jason's ASSIGNMENT on
this play."�� The assignment of ANY
LB is to READ the play, and then LAY THE WOOD on a ballcarrier that is 2
INCHES away.�� It's plain and
simple, but when you're dealing with a LB who cannot read and cannot tackle
worth a rat's ass, it all becomes very, very difficult.�
2. 4-1 PIT 15 9:13 2Q. Brees ran a QB
sneak, and he actually did a superb job of submarining very low to the
ground. Brees was stopped for a 2-yard gain, and then only after he was
stopped did Big Jason GilDong jump atop the stack.� Unbelievably, The Gilded Dong was credited with a softee, cheesy
assist.�
3. 4-2 PIT 5 7:09 2Q. On this critical 4th
& goal, Tomlinson takes the HO and heads up the gut.� Meanwhile, Big Jason is engaged by the RT,
Phil Bogle�
���
�All Bogle does is literally
bury the so-called "pro bowler" into the turf as easily as blasting a
cardboard cutout.�� See the red line and
red circle in the pics below�.?� That
would be your $6M "pro bowler" and "team captain", Jason
GilDong.�
��� 
The replay angle is just as
hilarious.� Bogle and GilDong meet as
the ball is snapped�.
���
�and then Bogle -- a SCRUBEENIE
who makes Oliver Ross look like an All-Pro tackle -- then just drives and
buries The Princess of Cheeze into the turf�
��� 
To be sure, the hole that LD ran
thru for the TD wasn't the hole created by Jason's pathetic burial.� Nonetheless, it's an acute, vivid example of
how soft, how weak, how spineless, how gutless, and how putrid a LB Jason
GilDong is when he's getting his ass driven into the turf and ends up lying on
his back like a $10 whore.
But sure enough, you'll read
quotes from Jason about "We haven't given up".� Sure, his teammates may not have given up,
but as you can clearly see on plays like this one, Jason gave up so long ago
that he's fully eligible for French citizenship.�
4. 1-10 SD 20 3:57 2Q. As Tomlinson
takes the HO toward RG, the LG (Kelvin Garmon) pulls to his right to lead LD
thru the hole.� For the Stillers, this
should be NO PROBLEMO', because, after all, their "team leader" and
"defensive captain" is at the ready to clog the hole, and his name is
Big Jason GilDong�.
���
�The big, brawling "pro bowl
LB" meets Garmon at the hole, and instead of making a play to KNIFE thru
the block, or SHED the blocker, or simply HOLD GROUND, Big Jason accepts
the block and gets brutally kicked out�.
��� 
�LD runs thru a huge fissure, thanks
to the SOFT, GUTLESS linebacking of one Jason GilDong�
��� 
���
�Again, the replay angle is
hilarious.�� Jason is right there to
MAKE A PLAY, something one should honestly expect from a $6M per year "pro
bowler"�
���
�.but instead, Jason -- the
biggest BLOCK ACCEPTOR in the entire NFL -- pusses out and gets kicked
out as easy as pie.�
��� 
The gain on this play�? Oh, just
20 yards�thanks to the putrid, pathetic linebacking of Jason GilDong.� But remember, "Jason had outside
contain," claim The GilDongites.�
But, really�Jason GilDong is truly
such a great "team leader" and "team captain".� He plays with such gusto�such brutality�such
incredible ferocity.�
5. 2-10 SD 25 9:23 3Q. Brees threw
away a pass after pressure by A. Smith and GilDong.� Don't be fooled into thinking that this was some sort of heroic
bulrush by Big Jason.� Despite no
defensive stunt, 92 was blocked actually by the GUARD, while the RT blocked
Smitty, and thanks to this bizarre blocking scheme, Jason and Smitty got some
pressure.�
6. 1-10 SD 31 14:03 4Q. Tomlinson
took the handoff up the gut for 3 yards. Jason, who was totally UNTOUCHED
and UNBLOCKED on the play, slid down line for a softee assist.�
7.� 2 plays later, on
a 3rd & 1 line plunge, Big Jason turned his back� to the blocker. �Aside from the French Army, modern history has never seen someone
turn his back as quickly and freely as does Big Jason GilDong.�
8. 1-10 SD 40 4:23 4Q. Jason had an easy
bead on ancient QB Doug Flutie, but The Duckfooted Boy Blunder
was helplessly unable to chase down the 41-year old greybeard QB, and Flutie
easily scampered for a nice 10 yard gain.�
9. 3-10 PIT 43 0:58 Flutie faded back to
pass and had plenty of time.� Jason
(standing near the left hash marks) was, as is all too usual, was doing
absolutely nothing�
���
�Jason rushed upfield and had an
easy-as-pie shot at tackling the ancient QB�.
���
�.but (insert a Chris Berman
"whoooop" here) once again, the big he-man linebacker FLOPPED and
FLAILED in disgraceful fashion, allowing Flutie to scramble for a 5-yard
gain.� And there you have Jason GilDong,
down on all fours like a downtrodden pumperboy.�
��� 
It's absolutely absurd that
GilDong was even in the game, with 1-minute left in a 16-point laugher, instead
of Clark Haggans getting some playing time.�
It's even more absurd that a putz like GilDong can't even tackle a
decrepit, over-the-hill QB like a Doug SkinFlutie.
To summarize:� Jason had 2 assists and ZERO
solos the entire game.� A quick recap of
how these "stats" were garnered:
��
a.�� On a QB sneak, Jason flopped
atop the stack and was awarded an assist for a play in which he had absolutely
NOTHING to do with the stop of the QB.
��
b.�� On a line plunge, Jason was
left totally untouched and unblocked, and slid down the line for a softee LOVE
TAP on the ballcarrier, for a weak assist.�
�
The Flopper flopped to
his knees more often than a hungry crackwhore, and allowed 2 (two) 1st-downs
during the game.� Hurries created when
he beat a blocker?� None.� Hits on the QB after beating a blocker?� None.�
Forced turnovers?� None.� Hard hits?�
None.� Meaningful impact on the
game?� Absolutely none.���
Sure enough, we'll hear more
babble from Ron Cook, Dale Lolleygag, Jim Waxall, and The GilDongites
("In Dong We Trust"), "�but�but Jason was back in
coverage practically the whole game."�
No, he was not. Counting plays with flags and plays in which the QB ran,
Jason dropped in coverage only 11 times, while rushing the QB 28 times.��
Meanwhile, Joey Porter rushed only 26 times and dropped into coverage 13
times, and unlike Big Jason, Porter was actually able to corral Flutie for a bone-jarring
dump & sack.�
"But Jason is being ganged
upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� But sure
enough, we'll hear experts like Ron Cook, who will tell you how badly Jason is
being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every
play.� It's balderdash.� As shown repeatedly above, the Bolts ignored
Jason on most plays and treated him with as much fear as if they were facing
Justin Kurpeikis.� Time and time again,
Big Jason was MAULED by a solo blocker that was blocking all by himself.�
Of course, simpletons like Ron
Cook, Dale Lolleygag, and John Skawski, the executive vice presidents of the GilDong
Apologists Association, will continue to fawn and gush all over Jason
GilDong.� Jason may be in the Steeler
record book for sacks, but he's also in the same book for being the biggest
puss in boots to ever wear a Stiller uniform.�
He babbles ad nauseum about quitting�.the ONE defender who has QUIT this
entire season is #92, Jason GilDong.� We
know exactly whom KenBell was referring to when he said this defense is
LAZY.�
It's high time the Pittsburgh media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The Gimcrack for what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little energy, does nothing, and is actually inferior to 4th-year LB Clark Haggans.�
It's partially absurd that this
much analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still scores
of fans out there who think this phony is actually worth a rat's ass.� He's not, and we'll continue to expose him,
week in and week out, this season.�
If anyone doubts the validity of
The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and compare
what you observe to what the report covers.�
Don't have the game on tape?�
Then make it a point to isolate on Big Jason, and only Big Jason, on
perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.�
Soon enough, you'll join the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter
truly is.�
Season to date totals for Jason, in 15 games:
Earned
Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�:� 5�
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1/2
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 13 (plus SL, Sea, and Oak. game, TBD)
First downs allowed: 27 (plus SL, Sea, and Oak. game, TBD)����
TDs allowed:� 5 (plus Sea and Oak. game,
TBD)�
(Click
here to read the 2002 season-in-review GilDong Report�)
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only
nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately predicted
the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)