The GilDong Report (Game #5, vs. Clev)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason
Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable
time the past 4 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason
Gildon.� (Click here to read the 2002 season-in-review
GilDong Report)� Big Jason
has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are
incorporating this into their point systems.)�
Again in '03, we'll take time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for
the fraud that he truly is.
Jason GilDong, known around the league as Jake
GilDong for his penchant for jaking it with continual loafing,
had yet another weak-assed, low-impact effort in the horrible loss to
Clev.� Jason The Gimcrack was credited
with 3 solos and 4 assists in the boxscore, but as can be seen on the official
play-by-play at NFL.com, "The Paper Tiger" finished with a feeble 2
solos and 5 assists, in what was yet another soft, meek, gutless effort by a
player who mans the glory-boy spot in the 3-4 defense.����
�
{Speaking of stats, last year we expanded our "Dong
stats" and will do so for the 2003 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally accepted dong
principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're added a few
more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking of Jason
GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.�
These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.�
Jason, the renown master of the Flop & Flail, has done this
with such frequency and adroitness that this stat is a surefire addition to the
NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include
the infamous Flop & Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then
feebly flails, as well as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted
flails against ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL
tackler who actually knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.�
1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the
offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the ball into scoring
range.� Personally allowing a first down
is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field
and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.�
Obviously, the bottom line in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a
TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning
for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a recap of Big Jason's game versus
Clev:
1.� On the first play from scrimmage, Green ran
up RG.� Burt Alex made the initial hit,
and Green spun off and was falling to the ground.� Jason, who'd been tittyjousting with TE Darnell Sanders, gave
Green a tap as he was going down, and for this bone-jarring, tooth-rattling
love tap, Jason was awarded an assist.��
2.� On the very next play, Couch faded back to
pass and calmly completed a 23-yard strike to Andre Davis. �Wonder why Couch had enough time to eat a
sandwich back in the pocket?� Just look
at the big bullrusher, Jason GilDong.��
He's doing his ridiculous, wasteful, useless WLR (wide loop rush),
waaaaay behind the QB.�
��� 
GilDong did this absurd WLR throughout the game, providing
no heat, harassment, nor disruption on the QB whatsoever.
3.� 2-10-PIT 39� 10:59
1Q.� While Tim Couch calmly lobbed a
39-yard pass to Morgan, the big he-man, Jason GilDong, was getting bullied to
the inside of the line, and got no push, no heat, and no harassment on the
QB.� Soft, feeble, pathetic.�
4.� 3-2-PIT 2� 6:27 1Q.� The Browns tried an end around with Morgan
toting the ball around right end.� At
the snap, RT Ryan Tucker -- a mediocre journeyman who couldn't start on at
least 23 teams in the NFL -- begins blocking the "pro bowl" LB, Jason
GilDong, at the 2-yard line, and begins to drive the brawling LB back�.
��� 
�.As Chris Berman would say,
"Back, back, back back�..".�
Jason gets mauled backwards, a good 4 yards DEEP into the EZ.� Remember, the LOS on this play was the
2-yard line.��
��� 
�Morgan is stopped short of the
GL, but no thanks to The Dogger, Jason GilDong.� That close to your own GL, a defender simply cannot give up real
estate, but Jason retreated like a French soldier and did nothing to seal,
disrupt, contain, or shut down this play.�
NOTHING.��
5.� 2-5-PIT 18� 14:03 2Q.� As Green ran right, Big Jason tittyfought
with, and then turned his back to, TE Steve Heiden, in yet another weak,
girlish display of linebacking.� Green
gained a solid 3 yards while Jason did absolutely nothing.
6.� Two plays later, 1-9 PIT 9, Couch play-faked and then faded back
to pass, while Big Jason was SOLO blocked by a TE, Sanders�.
��� 
�Jason -- thinking it was a
running play -- jousted and danced, actually getting pushed BACKWARDS rather
than making any progress toward the QB�.
��� 
�
�finally, as Couch starts to
scramble to his right, what does the "pro bowl" LB do?� He takes an INSIDE angle like a total
imbecile.
��� 
�Couch has all kinds of unfettered
room to complete the TD pass, while the "team captain" and "veteran
pro bowler" is stumbling around after losing containment on the QB.
��� 
The GAA is famous for their feeble
cries of, "�.but Jason had contain."�� On this play, Jason had contain, and as he all too often does,
he blows his assignment.� No amount of
excuse-making, quibbling, or rationalization can cover up the fact that Big
Jason allowed an easy TD with a boneheaded, piss-poor play.�
7.� 1-10 CLE 2� 9:16 2Q.� Green ran up LG for 2 yards, while Jason
just meekly pawed and groped and danced with Sanders.� Really pathetic.� Here you
have the Browns pinned back near their own GL, and a big hit and a FF could
change the game.� Wonder why this team
is so soft, so passive, so meek?� One
only needs to look at the "defensive captain", Jason GilDong, to see
why.
8.� Very next play, 2-8 CLE 4, Green ran up RT.� At the snap, Jason engages TE D. Sanders,
and immediately TURNS HIS BACK to Sanders�.
��� 
�not only does Jason turn his
back, but he follows it by furiously backpedaling into Sanders, as though he's
doing something productive.� Sanders
finally stops resisting and they both fall into a heap, a good 3 yards behind
the LOS.�
��� 
While Green cruised 9 yards thru a
gaping hole for a critical first down, the $6M Dong is lying on his ass
after trying to BACK INTO a blocking TE.�
Absolutely vomit-laden linebacking, at its worst.�
���
9.� On the very next play, Jason got bullied by Heiden, plus a shove
from the pulling RT, and ended up 2 yards off the LOS.�� Green WEAKLY stepped OOB, a la an
over-the-hill Franco Harris, and because Jason was closest, he got credit for a
solo.���
�
��� 
Quick -- call the newspapers!� Jason got a solo tackle!!�� And call Rooney -- this is worth a new contract, fast!� Sure enough, though, we'll hear bullshit quibbling about, "Well Jason had contain", "Jason was just stringing out the play," blah blah blah.� Guess what?� At some point in time, a GOOD LB and team captain, solo blocked by a TE, has to shed the block and RIP THE RB'S FACE OFF, thus setting the tone and providing some pain and intimidation to the ballcarrier.� Weak, sissy plays like this do nothing to pound or intimidate the opposing RB.�
10.� On the very next play, 2-10-CLE 13, Jason raced upfield at the snap and did a foolish WLR.� Meanwhile, Green took the HO on a draw play.�
��� 
As happens all too often with "the veteran pro bowler", Jason has NO RECOGNITION of the handoff or of the running play.� Green ran up HUGE hole for 5 yards while GilDong takes himself out of the play and does nothing to react to the handoff.��
There are kids on the short bus with better reading ability than this, but sure enough, we'll read the popular bromides in the Pittsburgh media that trumpet Jason's "veteran savvy" and his "on the field know how".� Sadly enough, aside from prancing like a complete jackass after an easy tackle, Jason knows nothing about playing linebacker.
11.� On the very next play, 3-5-CLE 18, Couch threw a WR screen to the right to Morgan.�� Tucker weakly tried to cut-block Jason, but failed�
��� 
�Jason turned around, and there was Morgan, who�d just caught the pass while STANDING STILL.�� Morgan hadn�t even take 1 step forward when Jason got the CAKE EASY solo stop from behind, his 2nd and final solo of the game.��
��� 
Yesiree -- when it come to tackling STATIONARY, or near-stationary, ballcarriers from behind, Jason GilDong is your man!!
12.� 3-1-CLE 31� 2:00 2Q.�� This was a critical 3rd down play, late in the 1st half.� Here's a play where you want your "big playmaking LB" and "defensive captain" to step up to the plate and MAKE A PLAY.� At the snap, Big Jason (see the red line in pic, below) is left totally untouched and unblocked.� Couch fakes the handoff to Green, and of course, Jason BITES on the playfake, hook, line, and sinker�.�
��� 
�badly bamboozled and waaay out of position, the duckfooted Boy Blunder chases after the slow-footed Couch, to no avail.� Couch has no harassment nor disruption, and calmly completes an easy 17-pass to Heiden for a huge 1st down (yet another 1st down allowed by GilDong.)�
��� 
But, hey, I'm too hard on GilDong.� We shouldn't expect so much from a $6M "pro bowl LB".� We don't know what his assignment was.� And, after all, "Jason had outside contain," the GilDong Apologists Association (GAA) will claim.�
13.� On the very next play, 1-10-CLE 48, Green ran up RG for an easy� 4 yards, with Farrior and GilDong getting assists on the stop.� What really happened, was that Jason gets MAULED off the LOS by Heiden.� He just happens to be near the scrum as Green plows ahead for 4.� Yet another cheesy assist for the Princess of Cheeze, Jason GilDong.�
14.� Two plays later, Couch faded back to pass.� Jason did his WLR, and in the process�.
��� 
�is doing absolutely nothing to hurry, harass, or disrupt the QB.� At this point, Jason basically QUITS on the play, and DOGS it.�� This was the play in which Bell was being HELD, and as he chased Couch, he signaled for a holding call.�
��� 
Here's a back-angle replay of this play, just to show you what a terror Big Jason GilDong is to opposing QBs.� Check out Jason WAVING at Tim Couch as Jason feebly gets ridden wide of the QB�
��� 
�I mean, just look at the way Jason demonizes the QB.� How can a QB possibly complete any passes when a LB is attacking 16 feet BEHIND the QB?��
���
With such studly, he-man linebacking, it's utterly amazing Couch had the day he did.�
15.� Two plays later, 1-9 PIT 9, faded back to pass.� Jason got influenced to the inside by RT Ryan Tucker, and being the imbecile that he is, Jason bought the influence like a sailor on shore leave buying a fifth of whiskey.� Jason gets SUCKED IN to the inside, and Couch had an acre of open space to his outside right, and jogged 9 yards for the easy TD.� Regrettably, Still Trivia failed to get the photos from this pitiful effort by GilDong, but this is yet another TD allowed by The Dogger, Jason GilDong.
16.� 1-10 CLE 32� 8:01 3Q.�� Green took the hand off and ran right�. Meanwhile, Heiden, lined up as a FB, prepares to block the brawling "pro bowl" LB, and you can clearly see Jason starting to TURN HIS BACK like a complete coward�
��� 
�as Green heads to open field, there's your $6M fraud, Jason GilDong, standing there with his BACK TURNED to the blocker near the hash-mark on the 29-yard line�
��� 
�The Dogger just stands and stands, doing absolutely NOTHING.
��� 
If this kind of sorry, powder-puff, lazy linebacking doesn�t making you want to puke, then nothing short of drinking a gallon of castor oil will do the trick.�
17.� Two plays later, Green ran up RG for 3 yards.� Jason gets credited with his 3rd assist.� He was shoved BACK 3 yards by Heiden, and then just fell into the scrum.� Yet another cheesy, weak-as-shit assist for the Long of Dong, Jason GilDong.������
18.� 2 plays later, Couch threw the INT.�� Did Jason force the INT?� Why, of course not.� Rather, Jason did this LAZY-ASSED, feeble WLR that put him in a different ZIP CODE than Couch.�
19.� 2-10 CLE 17� 2:13 3Q.�� Green ran up RT for a nice 6 yards.� Jason gets his 4th assist.� He played pattycake with the TE, and then did a 1-armed flail at the RB.� Farrior MADE the stick and stop.� Jason helped a wee little bit, but nothing more.��
20.� 1-10 PIT 36� 14:34 4Q.� Green ran to right end, -1.�� Perhaps Jason was responsible for this stop for negative yardage?� Absolutely not.� Jason was chopped DOWN as easy as George Washington's cherry tree.� He was a total NON FACTOR on this play.�
21.� 3-4 PIT 4� 9:43 4Q.�� Jason once again loses contain, allowing Couch to scramble right.�� Luckily, no one was open and Couch threw it away.� Yet another pitiful play by The Paper Tiger.�
22.� 3-2 CLE 38.�� 7:26 4Q.� Shovel pass to Northcutt, 9 yards.� Jason gets buffeted easy as pie by the pulling LG, O'Hara.� The duckfooted dork then stumbles over, and, in order to make it look like he was involved and doing SOMETHING, he purposely just FLOPS over Troy Pola.�� Absolutely disgraceful.�� This is yet another 1DA (1st down allowed).�
23.� 2-5 CLE 22�� 2:05 4Q.�� Green up LG, 1 yard.� Jason gets his 5th assist.�� He is UNTOUCHED off the snap, and just
waddles over to the scrum and kneels down, and reaches a hand down�.and for
this gritty, Butkus-like effort, he was awarded a GIFT assist.��
To summarize:� Jason had 2 solos the entire game: one came
when a RB ran untouched OOB, and Jason was the closest defender to him.� The other came when Jason nabbed a
near-stationary receiver from behind on a cake-easy stop.� Every one of his 5 assists were all
cheesy little love taps that did nothing to punish the ballcarrier or force a
turnover.�
The Crabber allowed
FOUR 1st-downs during the game; and worse, allowed TWO touchdowns.� That's right --GilDong's follies allowed the
Couch scramble & TD pass to KJ, as well as the Couch TD run.� Jason also turned his back to a blocker on THREE
different occasions, which is an outright disgrace and embarrassment.� Hurries created when he beat a blocker?� None.�
Hits on the QB after beating a blocker?�
None.� Forced turnovers?� None.�
Hard hits?� None.� Stuffed running plays?� None.�
Meaningful impact on the game?�
Absolutely none.�
Sure enough, we'll hear more
babble from Ron Cook and The GilDongites, "�but�but Jason
was back in coverage practically the whole game."� No, he was not. Counting plays with flags
and plays in which the QB ran, Jason dropped in coverage once, while
rushing the QB 27 times.� In comparison, Joey Porter rushed the QB only
9 (NINE) times, and dropped into coverage 19 times.��
"But Jason is being ganged
upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� But sure
enough, we'll hear experts like Ron Cook, who will tell you how badly Jason is
being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every
play.� It's balderdash.� The Browns ignored Jason on most plays and
treated him with as much fear as if they were facing Justin Kurpeikis.�
It's high time the Pittsburgh
media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The Gimcrack for
what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little energy, does
nothing, and is actually inferior to 4th-year LB Clark Haggans.�
And let's not forget Jason's comments about Hines Ward's totally legit speech during Monday's offensive-side meeting.� Said The Gilded Dong, "That definitely was an unfortunate incident."� Gildon went on to acknowledge he heard about Ward's talk secondhand from teammates, and he said he understood Ward's frustration. "I definitely would have handled it differently," Gildon said, "but I can't say the same thing about Hines."�� Handled it differently?�� In GilDong's 2 years as team captain, name just ONE instance that GilDong has "handled" at all.� He's been the Gerald Ford of team captains -- a do nothing, say nothing kind of leader that has sat on his hands and done NOTHING.� Yet he has the gaul to challenge the heart, blood, and guts of this team, Hines Ward?�� On blathers GilDong, "Given where we are, there's bigger things to worry about ... we're sitting here 2-3, and I think the biggest problem we have is righting the ship and I think that's what we should be concentrating on."� What the team should be concentrating on is getting their biggest pansie -- Jason GilDong -- OFF the field, and inserting someone who's willing to hit, run, hustle, tackle, and take on blockers with malice and vengeance.�� Al Faneca said it best:� "How does Jason Gildon know?" Faneca asked.� Yep, how would a preening, prancing, over-hyped jackass like GilDong know anything about leadership?� Hines Ward has rightfully earned the right to speak out, with his on-field intensity, hustle, grit, and hitting �and Jason GilDong hasn't.� But, hey -- when you're the highest paid defensive player and you're out on the field for EVERY play, yet you rank 12th on the team in tackles, you can say what ya want, because you're "a leader".��
It's partially absurd that this much
analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still scores
of fans out there who think this phony is actually worth a rat's ass.� He's not, and we'll continue to expose him,
week in and week out, this season.�
If anyone doubts the validity of
The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and compare
what you observe to what the report covers.�
Don't have the game on tape?�
Then make it a point to isolate on Big Jason, and only Big Jason, on
perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.�
Soon enough, you'll join the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter
truly is.�
Season to date totals for Jason, in 5 games:
Earned
Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�:� 0
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 4
First downs allowed: 10
TDs allowed:� 3�
(Click
here to read the 2002 season-in-review GilDong Report�)
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only
nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately predicted
the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)