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The GilDong Report (Game #14, vs. Detroit)

December 28, 2001 by Still Mill

The GilDong Report (Game #14, vs

The GilDong Report (Game #14, vs. Lions)

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's 11 sacks in '98 --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I've devoted considerable time the past 2 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Gildon, as you may recall, hoodwinked enough voters in '00 to be voted in to a reserve spot in the Pro Bowl. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '01, I'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he truly is.

At least on paper, Jason Gildon had perhaps his best game of the season against the lowly Lions, getting credit for 6 solos. But as is often the case of The Paper Tiger, he didn�t even make 6 solos. You can review the play-by-play of the game which clearly shows that The Paper Tiger had 4 solos and 2 assists, not 6 solos.

In-sequence during the game, here are the plays that Big Jason was involved in:

- On Detroit�s first series, on 3d & 10, Joey Porter used his electric quickness to whip around the LT and sack-and-strip the QB, Mike McMahon. As can clearly seen by the photos below, Jason was doing nothing more than titty-fighting with the RT, and only the RT, Matt Joyce. But Porter made the great play to quickly get to the QB and strip McMahon, and the titty-fighting GilDong managed to scoop up the loose ball and take in into the EZ for 6 points.


- On the first play of the 2nd series, Warren took a handoff up the gut. As can be plainly and clearly seen, Gildong -- the supposed havoc-wreaking, fear-inducing linebacker, is left totally untouched and unblocked, and gets the cakey solo stop of Warren for the 1-yard loss.


- 2nd & 10 on the Pit 12, at 10:42 of the 1Q, Warren took a handoff up RT. As can be plainly seen in photos 1 & 2, Gildon is left all alone with motion-man David Sloan, the tight end.


In a rare fit of football and linebacking fundamentals, Gildon actually disengages from Sloan�s block, and peels to his right to chip in with Hampton on the stop of Warren. This is the first time all season that Jason has managed to ward off a blocker in this manner. Of course, this wasn�t Anthony Munoz that Jason was warding off, but rather David Sloan, a run of the mill 260-pound tight end who outweighs Jason by only 5 pounds.

- On a critical 3rd & 6 at the Det. 42, at 9:09 of the 2Q, McMahon faded back to pass. Gildon was solo blocked by the RT, and only the RT, who in this case happened to be backup RT Stockar McDougle. Aaron Smith�s pressure forces McMahon to scramble to his right. Meanwhile, as can be clearly seen in photos 2 & 3, Gildon is so engrossed with his titty-fighting of the backup blunderer, Cockar McDougle, that he does a thoroughly pitiful job of maintaining contain. We hear a lot of fawning and gushing over Gildon�s supposed speed and quickness, but on this play Gildon looks as fast & quick as Joel Steed, as McMahon easily cruises around end and saunters for a 22-yard gain, with Gildon meekly lumbering far behind. This 22-yard gainer, in fact, was the Lions 2nd longest play of the game, thanks to some very sorry outside linebacking by the supposed pro bowler, Jason GilDong.



- On a first & 10 at 1:46 of the 2Q, GilDong was flagged for lining up in the neutral zone. As can be seen from the picture below, The Dong was waaay offsides, which is an asinine penalty for a player with his NFL experience.

- On a 3rd & goal from the Pit 1, at 0:41 of the 2Q, McMahon gave a real half-assed play-fake to FB C. Schlesinger, and immediately began to roll to his right. The play-fake to Schlesinger, in fact, is a complete joke, because, as can be clearly seen in photo 2, Schlesinger is on the wrong side of the QB to even receive a handoff. Gildon, as happened time and time and time again in this game, was left totally untouched and unblocked at the snap of the ball.


In photo 2 above, and then below in photos 3, 4, & 5, the untouched, unblocked Gildon has a perfect opportunity to blow this play to hell. This is the kind of situations that legitimate pro bowl LB�s pray for each week. Instead, what does Big Jason do? He pussyfoots. Notice where Jason is in photo 2. Now, as McMahon is clearly rolling out to his right in the follow-on photos, Jason is standing in nearly the exact same spot -- hesitating, stuttering, and pussyfooting. The only thing between the fearsome Gildon and the QB is backup RB Lamont Warren, who was playing only because of an injury to starter James Stewart. Gildon outweighs Warren by some 53 pounds, yet he�s pussyfooting and stuttering in-place instead of quickly getting to the outside shoulder of Warren and harassing the QB.



In photo 7, McMahon -- easily outside of GilDong�s piss-poor contain job and totally unfettered -- makes the easy completion to Sloan for the TD.

So, yet another TD is allowed as a direct result of poor play by Jason GilDong. Funny how nearly every time a team gets close to the Stiller end zone -- be it Tampa, Baltimore, or Detroit -- they pick on The Paper Tiger, Jason GilDong.

- In a series of hilarity that shows the amount of respect NFL teams have for The Paper Tiger, as well as how The PaperMan accumulates his paper statistics, the Lions took over at their own 28 after Kris Brown�s missed FG, at 1:32 of the 3Q. On first down, Sloan, and only Sloan, was assigned to passblock Big Jason, leaving the RT to block an inside rusher. As you can clearly see in the photos below, Sloan has no problem whatsoever riding Gildon wide, which allows McMahon to easily scoot underneath the loop-rushing Gildon and get himself into an unfettered passing position.


The rookie QB misfired on this pass, but the point is clear: not only are the cries of "Gildon is constantly double-teamed" and "Gildon forces other teams to adjust their blocking scheme" nothing but pure, unadulterated bunk, but also Jason is capable of easily being handled by a 260-pound tight end.

On the very next play Jason got his 2nd assist. Warren took a handoff up the gut. As can clearly be seen, Big Jason was once again left totally untouched and unblocked. Of course, GilDong still made an adventure out of what should have been an easy play, doing his patented, off-balance flop-and-flail and nearly whiffing entirely on the running back. Note the blue arrows, which show the stellar work of ILB Earl Holmes, who was credited for an assist on this play. As you can plainly see, Holmes, unlike Gildon, is engaged by a blocker on this play. In photo 2, Holmes scrapes off his man and then in photo 3, dives in to help on the stop.


On the very next play, McMahon faded back to pass on 3rd & 12,on a designed mini-roll to his right. As can be clearly seen, Jason is being blocked by one, and only one, man -- FB Corey Schlesinger, who manages to fend off the vaunted Gildon and ride him wide. .


In photo 3 (and then 4 & 5, below), with no defender within 10 feet, McMahon (blue arrow) clumsily stumbles and falls face first into the Heinz Field turf. Big Jason -- never one to pass up such a cake sack as this one -- then came over and skidded onto the QB for the easy Dong Sack.


In regard to this pathetically cheezy sack, The Paper Tiger said after the game, ""You don't give those back. You look at the books, it doesn't say, 'He got one with the guy falling down.' Take them any way you can." And, as we all know, that�s where Jason, as usual, is wrong. The books do account for Dong Sacks, and rest assured, when everyone reviews the end-of-season GilDong Report that will have a table listing all facts around each of Gildon�s sacks, it will say, "the clumsy QB stumbled and tripped over his own two feet, and GilDong -- who was bullied about by only a FB -- scooched in and got the sack of the prone QB."

 What a series, eh? On first down, Gildon was easily ridden wife by a solo-blocking TE. On 2nd down, Gildon came in untouched and got a cake assist. On 3rd down, Gildon was easily ridden wide by a solo-blocking FB, and then got credit for a sack when the untouched QB tripped over his own feet, while Jason was at least 7 feet away.

- Late in the game, in garbage time of a 33-point blowout and less than a minute remaining in the game, Jason padded his stats with 2 more solos. On 3rd & 7 at 0:54 of the 4Q, McMahon faded back to pass. Jason (gold arrow) did a stunt with Aaron Smith, and looped to the inside. In photos 2 & 3, Jason is meekly titty-fighting with guard Brendan PigStai, who is generally considered one of the worst, if not the worst, starting guard in pro football.


In photo 3, Smith�s brute power and tenacity forces McMahon to pull the ball down, and at that point, Jason disengages from his mindless tittyfighting with PigStai, and scoots over to McMahon. As can be seen in photo 4, the young rookie QB should have unleashed a pass long before Jason got his mitts on him, but instead McMahon -- who was well outside the plane of his tackle/tight-end -- ate a ball that could have easily been tossed anywhere toward the LOS to stop the clock and avoid the sack.


Obviously, the committee ruled this a Dong Sack. Jason thrives on the garbage-time Dong Sacks, having already collected one with 34 seconds remaining in the whipping of Jacksonville in game #9. Hey -- when you�re a Paper Tiger, you�ve got to compile those paper stats any which way you can, no matter how meaningless or insignificant they may be.

Speaking of meaningless & insignificant, Jason�s 4th -- not 6th -- solo came on the very next play. On a 4th & 16 at 0:40 of the 4th quarter, in unquestionably the most meaningless play of the season to date, the Lions ran a gutless line plunge with Warren toting the ball. Jason -- free to slant inside with the DB assigned to blitz from Jason�s left -- slid off a real sloppy block by backup RT Cockar McDougle and made the easy solo.


In summary, here�s a capsule of Jason�s "big game" against the 1-13 Detroit Lions:

1st solo- came into the backfield untouched and unblocked and stopped the backup RB on a simple dive play

2nd solo - The untouched QB stumbled and tripped, and Gildon, who was nowhere near the QB, came over and touched him for the solo & the Dong Sack

3rd solo - With Smith flushing the QB from the pocket, Gildon came over and got a Dong Sack with less than a minute remaining in a 33-point blowout

4th solo - On the next play, Gildon stopped a line plunge on 4th & 16 with 40 seconds left in a 33-point blowout.

1st assist - Warded off solo-block by 260-pound TE and chipped in on stop of backup RB

2nd assist - Came into the backfield untouched and unblocked and made an assist on the backup RB

- Jason also returned a fumble for a TD, on a play in which he was getting manhandled

- Jason�s piss-poor contain allowed the QB to scramble 22 yards, but of course, there�s no stat to track "blown containment".

- Jason�s meek pussyfooting on a 3rd & 1 play allowed the QB to easily roll to his right and complete an unfettered pass for an easy TD. But of course, there�s no stat to track "blown containment".

Yes, this was the game of the season for The Paper Tiger, Jason GilDong. Facing the hapless 1-12 Lions -- the worst team in the NFL -- amidst a severe blowout, The Paper Tiger managed to pad his paper stats with several plays that even Justin Kurpeikis could have made. But don�t forget, even if you never see it with your own eyes, Jason really is a studly, brawling pro bowl linebacker on the gridiron.

Season to date totals for Jason, in 14 games:

Earned Sacks: 3
Dong Sacks™: 7
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 2

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