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The WoodenDong Report (Game #7, vs. Wash.)

October 31, 2012 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #7, vs. Wash.)

In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.

In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 3 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 

As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  

Here in 2012, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 

Big LaMarr missed the 5th game of the season at Tenn, due to a balky hamstring.   That often happens with over-bulked, stiff-as-a-board players.   In the 7th game of the season, Big LaMarr played nearly every snap.   He did next to nothing, recording 2 solo tackles, 0 assists, and zero impact at all.   His OLB mate, James Harrison, played nearly every snap versus Wash and commanded plenty of attention.   LaMarr had plenty of chances against SOLO blocking to do something -- anything -- but instead did nothing.   A review --

- at 14:26 3Q, Big LaMarr was left unblocked on a designed Griffin run to the right.  LaMarr  took a foolish inside jab-step, and then was beaten to the corner by RG3, which gained 7 yards.  Of course, Big LaMarr got a tiny pinkie-shove love tap on RG3 as the QB turned the corner and stumbled OOB, earning The Big He-Man a “solo tackle”. 

- Early in the 4Q, Big LaMarr was totally untouched and unblocked, and made a solo stop on a line plunge for -1.   Quick -- someone extend this man for at least $7M per season !! 

- at 8:51 4Q, totally unblocked, Big LaMarr whiffed on an easy sack. 

Late in the game, The Big He-Man strained his right hamstring (again!), which often happens to a player that is overly stiff and overly bulked.   

That was it.   This was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   2 routine slop stops.  Big hits?  NONE.   Heavy QB pressure?   None.   Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   NONE.    Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   

Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 

Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 7 games:

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks™: 1

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0 

Flailing Whiffs: 1

First downs allowed:  3

TDs allowed:  1


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

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