The GilDong Report (Game #14, @ NY Jets)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason
Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable
time the past 4 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason
Gildon.� (Click here to read the 2002 season-in-review
GilDong Report)� Big Jason
has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are
incorporating this into their point systems.)�
Again in '03, we'll take time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for
the fraud that he truly is.
In a season
in which he has done almost nothing, Jason GilDong, known
around the league as The Dogger �for his penchant of dogging it, had yet another weakassed game in
which he hit nobody, did nothing, and stole oxygen from players who could have
used it.� Jason The Gimcrack was
credited with 2 solos and 2 assists, but as we shall see, Jason only had 3
feeble assists and 1 solo.� And, as we
shall see, Jason spent the entire afternoon playing patty cakes and getting
bamboozled by every fake the Jets ran.�
{Speaking of stats, last year we
expanded our "Dong stats" and will do so for the 2003 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of the Flop
& Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness that this
stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop & Flail, in which
Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well as the numerous
varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against ballcarriers that are
otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually knows something
about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.� 1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at
a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the
ball into scoring range.� Personally
allowing a first down is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to
remain on the field and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line in football is
the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are
required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a recap of
Big Jason's game versus the Jets:
1. 1-10 PIT 44 11:33 1Q. RB Curtis
Martin takes the handoff up RT, while Jason is barely nudge-blocked by the
center. �
���� 
�as Martin hits a scrum of
players, what does the big, he-man, brawling "pro bowl" linebacker
do"� He flops to his knees like a
homo in heat.� He's not wrapping, or
applying a hit, or delivering a blow.� He's
simply kneeling on all fours like a rump grinding flamer.�
��� 
But sure enough, you'll read
quotes from Jason about "We haven't given up".� Sure, his teammates may not have given up,
but Jason gave up so long ago that he's fully eligible for French
citizenship.�
2.� On the very
next play, Martin ran for 5 yards up RG/RT. Jason was SOLO blocked
by the TE, and got blasted off the LOS quite easily.�� Jason softly helped Farrior with the stop for a softee assist.�
3.� On the very
next play, 3rd & 3, QB Chad Penn faked the handoff.� As has happened hundreds of times in his
career, Big Jason GilDong (red circle, below) bites on the fake, hook,
line, and sinker�.
��� 
�as you can clearly see,
Pennington has already begun his "bootleg", yet Jason Gildong (red
line, red circle below) is still frantically running after the play-fake like a
dog in heat�.
��� 
..while Jason is STILL running in
the WRONG direction, Pennington has all the time, space, and vision he needs to
make the easy toss�
���
The result?�� 20 yards and a key first down on 3rd &
3.� There was one player who COULD have,
and SHOULD have, stopped this play, and that's the left OLB, named Jason
GilDong.� Unfortunately, because his
"NFL reading skills" are on par with a 3rd grader, he was bamboozled
so badly that he was still running the WRONG way well after the QB was
bootlegging in the other direction.
4. On the very next play, Moss caught a 0-step
hitch.� Townsend came up to make the
corral of Moss, and Jason came over and got a love-tap assist as Moss was
pushed out of bounds.�
5.� 2-10 NY 34� 2:11 1Q.� As Martin dashed around right end for an
easy 7 yards, Big Jason was buried to the inside.� So much for The GilDongites' rallying cry of, "He had
outside contain."�
6.� On the very next play, 3-3 NY 41 1:34 1Q. At the snap, Jason was
barely nudged by the RT, who was heading to peel out to block for a screen
pass...
��� 
�Jason has the PERFECT opportunity
to harass, as well as smack, the QB.�
Instead, the big he-man falls flat on his face like a complete
jackass.� ChadPenn easily completed the screen
pass for an easy 4 yards and a key first down, while Jason
GilDong squatted on all fours on the New York turf.�
��� 
Sure enough, there will be cries
of, "But it was wet and slippery."�
Well, boo hoo.� When a so-called
"great linebacker" is a duckfooted, clumsy-assed simpleton, he slips,
period.� Wetness and snow had nothing to
do with Jason's ass-ugly display of overt oafishness and clumsiness.� Note that there are 12 (TWLEVE) other
players in each photo, above, and NONE of them have slipped like a complete
puss in boots the way Jason has.�
7. 1-10 NY 10 8:26 2Q. Martin
took the handoff and ran up RT, while Jason was SOLO blocked by the TE�.�
��� 
..after his long bout of
titty-jousting with the TE, Jason finally disengaged, but instead of laying the
wood into Martin, Jason simply knelt down and then pawed at Martin like a
puss.�
��� 
For this bone-jarring,
Lambertesque effort, Jason was awarded his 3rd assist of the game.
8. 3-2 NY 29 5:56 2Q. On this critical 3rd
& short play, Pennington run up gut.�
Meanwhile, Jason was being SOLO blocked by the TE, Becht�.
��� 
�all Becht did was proceed to
drive Jason�and then PANCAKE the big he-man "pro bowler" at the end
of this ruthless mauling.�
��� 
But, really�Jason GilDong is truly
such a great "team leader" and "team captain".� He plays with such gusto�such brutality�such
incredible ferocity.�
9.� 2-9 NY
30 1:19 2Q. As Martin ran up RT, Big Jason was grossly manhandled
to the inside.� Then, to add manure to
the top of this cake of crap, Fat Casey Hampton literally ran past The
Dogger, Big Jason GilDong�..
��� 
��� 
Re-watch this play at home if you
have it on tape, and you'll see The Dogger once again DOGGING IT
while a pudgy, fat nose-tackle hustles past him in hot pursuit of the
ballcarrier.
10. On the very next play, on a critical 3rd & 1,
ChadPenn again faked the handoff and then bootlegged to his right.�� And once again, Big Jason, the
"veteran team leader" was fooled and bamboozled like a tourist in the
Bronx.� Becht was wide open and caught
the easy pass for a 9 yard gain.�� Big
Jason pushed Becht OOB for his one and ONLY solo of the game.�
11. 3-10 PIT 24 0:27 2Q.
As Martin took the handoff and headed wide right, Jason was engaged with the
RG�
��� 
�all the RG did was proceed to
maul, and then BURY, the big brawling "pro bowler" like a dead
corpse.��
��� 
The GAA (GilDong Apologist Assocation) will once again
claim, "The snow made it slippery and Jason just slipped".� No, he did not.� He got his ass kicked, plain and simple.� Notice in the photos above that there are 5
(FIVE) other defenders engaged with blockers, and not a single one is lying on
his ass like Jason "The Dogger" GilDong.�
12. 1-10 NY 41 10:50 3Q. Chad Penn
once again ran the play-fake and then bootlegged to his right.� Meanwhile, the veteran "team
captain", Jason GilDong, once again gets duped like a 6-year old at a
Vegas casino�
��� 
�Jason gets bamboozled, and then
takes a dumbassed INSIDE route to a QB that is obviously running to the
OUTSIDE.
��� 
Moss caught the pass for an easy 18-yards.� These bootlegs are DESIGNED to take
advantage of ONE man, and that man is the OLB, Jason GilDong.� This was the THIRD bootleg that the Jets
unmercifully ran right at GilDong, and the Gilded Dong was bamboozled on each
and every one of them.�
But remember, Alonzo Jackson cannot even dress for games because
"he doesn't know the whole defense", but Big Jason GilDong -- the man
who gets fooled more often than Gomer Pyle -- is the grand guru of defensive
football.�
13. 1-10 NY 46 8:07 3Q. As Martin
ran 'round right end for an easy 8 yards, Big Jason GilDong was getting SEALED
IN as airtight as a Tupperware container�.�
��� 
��� 
The GAA constantly trumpets, "Jason has outside
contain", yet whenever a RB does run outside, Jason acts like Saddam
Hussein and goes into HIDING.�
14. 1-10 PIT 45 1:52 4Q. As Martin took
the handoff and head toward the RT, Big Jason was being SOLO blocked by the
TE.� Jason is in a PERFECT position to
scrape off the block and make the stop on Martin, a RB who weighs 50 (FIFTY)
pounds less than The Dogger�
��� 
�.instead, Jason simply cannot
bear the thought of stopping his titty-fighting with the TE, Becht.� So, Jason mindlessly continues to grope, paw,
and fondle the blocker's breasts, while Martin cruises by within inches of the
brawling "pro bowl" LB.
��� 
Martin gained 12 yards and iced the game�yet ANOTHER
1st-down-allowed by� the "team
captain", Jason GilDong.�
To summarize:� Jason had 3 assists and one solo the entire
game.� A quick recap of how these
"stats" were garnered:
��
a.�� Jason flopped down on all
fours as the RB was hitting a scrum, and was awarded an assist.
��
b.�� On a 0-step hitch to the WR,
Jason love-tapped Moss as Townsend was riding Moss OOB, resulting in an assist.
��
c.�� Jason once again flopped
down on all fours as the RB was hitting a scrum, and then pawed at the RB for a
softee assist.
��
d.� After getting badly duped on
the bootleg, Jason pushed the TE OOB for a solo�.after a 9 yard gainer on 3rd
& 1.��
�
The Flopper flopped to
his knees more often than a hungry crackwhore, and allowed 5 (five) 1st-downs
during the game.� Hurries created when
he beat a blocker?� None.� Hits on the QB after beating a blocker?� None.�
Forced turnovers?� None.� Hard hits?�
None.� Meaningful impact on the
game?� Absolutely none.���
Sure enough, we'll hear more
babble from Ron Cook, Dale Lolleygag, Jim Waxall, and The GilDongites
("In Dong We Trust"), "�but�but Jason was back in
coverage practically the whole game."�
No, he was not. Counting plays with flags and plays in which the QB ran,
Jason dropped in coverage only 11 times, while rushing the QB 12 times.���
"But Jason is being ganged
upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� But sure
enough, we'll hear experts like Ron Cook, who will tell you how badly Jason is
being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every
play.� It's balderdash.� As shown repeatedly above, the Jets ignored
Jason on most plays and treated him with as much fear as if they were facing
Justin Kurpeikis.� Time and time again,
Big Jason was MAULED by a TIGHT END that was blocking all by himself.�
Of course, simpletons like Ron
Cook and Dale Lolleygag, the executive vice presidents of the GilDong
Apologists Association, will continue to fawn and gush all over Jason
GilDong.� Jason may be in the Steeler
record book for sacks, but he's also in the same book for being the biggest
puss in boots to ever wear a Stiller uniform.�
He babbles ad nauseum about quitting�.the ONE defender who has QUIT this
entire season is #92, Jason GilDong.� We
know exactly whom KenBell was referring to when he said this defense is
LAZY.�
It's high time the Pittsburgh media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The Gimcrack for what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little energy, does nothing, and is actually inferior to 4th-year LB Clark Haggans.�
It's partially absurd that this much
analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still scores
of fans out there who think this phony is actually worth a rat's ass.� He's not, and we'll continue to expose him,
week in and week out, this season.�
If anyone doubts the validity of
The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and compare
what you observe to what the report covers.�
Don't have the game on tape?�
Then make it a point to isolate on Big Jason, and only Big Jason, on
perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.�
Soon enough, you'll join the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter
truly is.�
Season to date totals for Jason, in 14 games:
Earned
Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�:� 5�
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1/2
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 11 (plus SL, Sea, and Oak. game, TBD)�
First downs allowed: 25 (plus SL, Sea, and Oak. game, TBD)���
TDs allowed:� 5 (plus Sea and Oak. game,
TBD)�
(Click
here to read the 2002 season-in-review GilDong Report�)
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only
nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately
predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)