The Folly Continues - Stillers Looking to Extend Cowher (Jul. 26th, 2004)

 

Editor's note:� I'd finished 80% of an article entitled, "Hartley, Solich, Brenly -- When's Cowher's Turn?".� I'd been working piecemeal on this gem for a couple weeks, and was pleased with the prospect of publishing the article this weekend, when, as if Rooney himself used spyware to scan my computer, out of nowhere the senile coot resumes heavy negotiations with Cowherd as if to personally spite me.�

 

I read the grisly news Saturday morning: "New Extension in Works for Cowher".� After spewing up my breakfast of eggs & toast, I set to work on revising the article.� Disgusted and morose, I hit the writer's wall and instead set out to do something equally fun: prune the series of tall bushes in my backyard.�

 

Back at the keyboard, I figured I'd take a break from whacking at bushes and take a whack at this article and then be done with it.

 

The very idea of extending a sad sack, bumbling coach like Bilbo Cowher goes well beyond the borders of sanity, common sense, and the willingness to win a championship.� The fact is, Cowher's act has gotten as stale as week-old bread, and, because he's not a tactical or strategic genius whatsoever, he's left with trying to play his little juvenilish motivational games with spittle and tirades that have shown very, very little effect the past few seasons.�

 

 

Let's review Billy Cowher's rich, glorious successes since calendar year 1998:�

 

-� In January '98, he nearly pulled off one of the greatest choke jobs in NFL history, eeking out a weak, totally uninspiring 7-6 win at home over a weak New England team that, mediocre talent aside, was so injury-riddled that the city of Pittsburgh had 4 ambulances, a medevac chopper, and 5 doctors on the Pats' sideline during the contest.� A week later, again at home, Cowher had his ass handed to him by Mike Shanahan and the Doncos, a scant 5 weeks after having beaten these same Doncos.�

 

-� You'd think the embarrassment of another playoff stench-o-roo would have caused Bilbo Cowher to go into hiding.� For most coaches, it would have, but not for an egotistical, megalomaniac like Bilbo Cowher.� Within 6 weeks of the Denver debacle, while still under contract, Cowher demanded that the Stillers re-do his contract, lest he was jumping ship to Cleveland, a city that did not even have an active NFL franchise.� Unbelievably, rather than calling Cowher's bluff, Rooney caved in and lavished Bilbo Cowher with a mega-million dollar contract, the highest at the time in the NFL for a non-Super Bowl winning coach.�

 

-� Armed with a mega-million dollar contract, all Billy Cowher did was go out and have a splendid 7-9 season.

 

-� Not content with how well he did in 1998, Billy Cowher went out in '99 and did himself one better, finishing at 6-10.�

 

-� Bilbo finished a slightly-improved 9-7 in 2000, but obviously not good enough for the playoffs. He was then awarded for this splendid bit of coaching with a -3year extension.�

 

-� In 2001, facing the weakest slate of QBs since the advent of the 16-game schedule, Bilbo coasted to a 13-3 season.� He then had his ass handed to him by Belichick and the Pats in yet another embarrassing home playoff loss.�

 

-� In 2002, Bilbo cobbled together a rather mediocre 10-6 season, in which his vaunted defense, right from the season opener, was carved up as easy as a Thanksgiving turkey.� In the playoffs, facing an injury riddled Titans team, Bilbo had his ass handed to him once again, this time by Jeff Fisher.�

 

-� In 2003, Bilbo's team stunk and sputtered from beginning to end, en route to a disgraceful 6-10 season.� This pathetic season made it 4 of the past 6 seasons that Bilbo Cowher -- he of the $3M per year salary -- missed the playoffs.��

 

And the Stillers want to EXTEND this sack o' dung�?!�� Absolutely preposterous.�

 

And to add salt to the wound, Bilbo had the chance to get some youngsters -- notably Zo Jackson and Chris Hope -- some quality playing time during the otherwise meaningless games at the tail end of 2003, but instead stubbornly insisted on playing the likes of Jason GilDong and Burnt Alexander.� Today, Alex and GilDong are both gone -- Cowher himself cut each of them -- and Bilbo now is faced with the prospect of Zo Jackson and Chris Hope stepping in as starters.� Sure is nice to have a coach as myopic, stubborn, and stupid as Billy Cowher, eh?�

 

Steeler fans are continually barraged with the babble of, "But Billy made the playoffs his first 6 season in the NFL" and other assorted bromide.� That's old news, and it's wholly irrelevant.� It's more important to deem what Billy has done lately than what he did 10 or 12 years ago.� And the Cowher lovers are always quick to claim how great Billy Cowher is and how Billy Cowher has Papal infallibility, and as such, he simply cannot ever be fired.�

 

Fact is, many coaches with FAR greater success -- including a championship that Billy has never accomplished -- have been fired.��

 

It wasn't all that long ago that Colorado Avs coach Bob Hartley was fired.� All Hartley had done was become the first NHL coach in 35 years to take a team to the conference finals in his first 4 seasons, a feat far more impressive than Billy Cowher merely making the playoffs his first 6 seasons.� And Hartley, totally unlike Cowher, actually won a championship, winning the Stanley Cup in 2001.� Yet, despite all of this glorious accomplishments -- which were far more than Billy Cowher could have every dreamed of -- Hartley was axed.�

 

Then there's Nebraska football coach Frank Solich, a man who, in 6 seasons, compiled a 58-19 record (more than 75%!) before being fired.�

�

And just a few scant weeks ago, AZ D-backs manager Bob Brenly was canned.� All Brenly did in his 3 seasons as manager was compile a 303-262 record, and a WORLD SERIES championship in 2001.��

 

All the aforementioned coaches were coaches with far better success than Billy Cowher could ever dream of, but in the case of these 3 coaches, they worked for someone who didn't live in the past and didn't foolishly wax nostalgic about old news.�

 

That's where Bilbo Cowher has it so easy.� He works for a stooge named Rooney who perennially gives Cowherd a free pass, all because Rooney himself is literally terrified of change.� What makes Bilbo's job even easier is the spineless media in the city of Pittsburgh, which trembles and whimpers in the face of Billy Cowher the way people once did in front of Benito Mussolini.� This is why the local Pittsburgh media makes up the endless stream of grande excuses for Bill Cowher.� Last year, it was, "It rained a lot during training camp, which really hampered the team."� Remember, it never rained anywhere else in the northeast last summer; just Latrobe, PA.� And, "there were injuries on the offensive line."� Remember, no other NFL sustained any injuries, not even the world champion Patriots.� With such blind sheep serving as local media, Lord Bilbo Cowher has it far better than even Sadddam Hussein had it in his heyday.� Not unlike Hussein, Bilbo Cowher sits smugly atop his throne and does nothing of positive value, but is nonetheless lavished with excessive amounts of money, praise, exultation, excuse-making, and bullshit rationalization.�

 

Truth is, Cowher is exactly like his father, Marty Shittenheimer.� Both are perfectly capable of getting 8 or 9 or 10 wins out of a team, but neither is even remotely capable of winning a championship.� Last time I checked, winning the championship was supposed to be the primary goal of every team, but apparently not so for the Stillers, so long as they employ a dullard like Bilbo Cowher to serve as head coach.�

 

The ignoramus will point to Bilbo's attendance at Super Bowl 30 as some sort of justification for Billy's coaching prowess, but when the onion is peeled back, nothing could be further from the truth.� For starters, Bilbo lucked into SB 30, barely beating a weak, horribly under-talented Indy team that was decimated by injury.� Many a Steeler fan proudly points to this game as a benchmark of greatness; the reality is that this game was a benchmark of the hapless futility of Bilbo's playoff coaching ability.�

 

Then there's SB 30 itself. �While most morons give Cowherd a free pass because of Neil O'Dummel's INTs, the stark reality is that the Stillers wouldn't have had to rely so much on O'Donnell's hasty throws if they'd used the right running back in the first place. �Yes indeed, Bilbo Cowher arrived at Sun Devil Stadium that day to a field as wet and soggy as swampland, yet insisted on not only starting SCATBACK running back Erric Pegram, but also sticking with him well into the 2nd quarter.� To anyone with an IQ over 10, it would have made perfectly good sense to use a big, bullish back like Bam Morris on a field like that, rather than a stuttering scatback like Pegram.� Moreover, the Stillers had already visited this exact dilemma 2 months prior, when they played in a muddy bog in Cleveland.�� Pegram had been entirely ineffective in that Clev game, but when Morris finally got the ball in the 2nd half, the Stillers broke open a close game and whipped the Browns.� That's a primary problem with a simpleton like Bilbo Cowher: he's too stubborn and stupid to learn the simple lesson -- played out right in front of his very eyes at Cleveland Municipal Stadium in Nov. 1995 -- that a big bruising back is far more effective on a muddy, soggy grass field than a stuttering scatback.�

 

Let's review coaching attributes as they apply to Bilbo Cowher:

 

• Gameplan formulation:� below average
• In-game adjustments: below average
• Tactical exploitation:� below average
• Strategic planning: non-existent
• Motivational skills:� mediocre
• Player evaluation:� poor
• General, overall intelligence:� poor

 

Billy will probably increase his ineffective tirades as a stunt to improve his shameful win-loss record the past 6 seasons.� Aside from the act getting old and stale, the reason the tirades have no effect is the proven fact that, once Billy becomes enamored with a veteran, the veteran can do no wrong and is thus mollycoddled and pampered by Billy himself. �This is why veterans like Jason GilDong were permitted to loaf and lollygag game in and game out for the past 3-plus seasons�.and why vets like DeWayne Washington and Burnt Alex were permitted to display overt incompetence game in and game out.� This is why vets like Fat Levon Kirkland, Fat Joel Steed, and Fat Jerome Bettis have ballooned on the scales.� Once you're a Cowher favorite, you no longer have an obligation to hustle, play with competence, or keep yourself fit and trim.� Some veteran players do, of course, hustle, play competently, and maintain fitness�but they do so only out of personal conviction, not from any influence by Bilbo Cowher.�

 

Lest I forget to mention, there's the example of Bobby Knight, who, after a 16-11 season in 2003, told the TX Tech administration to keep his entire $250K salary because he didn't feel he'd earned it.� Imagine a smug, underachieving, pompous ass like Bilbo Cowher having the gumption and courage to do something like Knight.� Wouldn't ever happen unless someone held a gun to Bilbo's thick head.�

 

So apparently Billy will soon be lavished with an extension he does not deserve, thereby buying Billy a few more mediocre seasons until it comes time to discuss another extension.� What should have been done, quite obviously, was to turn up the pressure on Bilbo Cowher and demand results.� Cowher, signed thru 2005, could have easily been given an extension next spring, if, and only if, the team had success in 2004 (ie, made the playoffs and played with the intensity of a rabid tiger).� You use the carrot to entice and motivate; you don't simply GIVE AWAY the carrot and remove all motivation.�

 

Sure enough, we'll hear from the CAA (Cowher Apologists Association), whose battle cry is, "Bilbo is not only infallible but also irreplaceable".� Yupp, there's no one on the entire planet who could possibly replace Billy Cowher.� Funny how, when you examine Billy's history, you see that, prior to being hired by the Stillers, Bilbo had exactly ZERO wins as a head coach, ever.� That includes the NFL, the NCAA, high school, junior varsity, middle school, and even Pop Warner football.� Yet somehow the ignorant are led to believe that replacing Bilbo Cowher would be more difficult to replace than the lead engineer for the space shuttle program or the head scientist for the US Nuclear Regulatory Commission.� Somehow the ignorant are led to believe that replacing Bilbo Cowher -- a man who has never won a championship in his entire life -- would be far more difficult than replacing a Dean Smith, a Phil Jackson, or a Scotty Bowman.�

 

I'm reminded of the summer of 1992, when I was observing a football camp and chatted at length with NFL coach Vince Tobin.� Vinnie and I discussed a myriad of football stuff as we watched the players practice.� I then got around to discussing Chas Noll, and commented, "It was time for Noll to move on�the game had passed him by."� Typical of the tightly knit NFL coaching fraternity, Tobin immediately jumped to Noll's defense, claiming the game hadn't passed Noll by, and then spinning the old saw of, "better players make a coach successful".� Bilbo Cowher, as we know, took the same players Noll had struggled with, and Billy had immediate success.� Cowher deserves credit for invigorating what had been a stale, flaccid team in 1992.� But that's old history, and, ironically enough, Bilbo Cowher now presides over a stale, flaccid team, with he himself serving as a main roadblock to any chance of resurrecting this team.�

 

Clearly, the extension is a horrible idea, fraught with a total lack of wisdom, logic, and forethought.� As I have written on many occasions here: winning an NFL title is difficult.� Winning an NFL title when your head coach is a choker and a complete buffoon is virtually impossible.� The road to perdition starts, and ends, with Billy Cowher.�

 

(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)