The home of die hard Pittsburgh Steelers fans. It's not just a team, it's a way of life!

The WoodenDong Report (Game #1, vs. Tenn)

September 12, 2013 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #1, vs. Tenn)  


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 4 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  


Here in 2014, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 


In the season opener against the Bitans, Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with a listless, feeble, half-hearted performance.   He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing. 


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with (hold your laughter, please) 2 solo and 2 assists. 


Here were Big LaMarr’s plays:


1.   Big LaMarr got a weak earned sack on the final play of the 1Q.  The OT, David Stewart, seemed to set up for a 5-step, but the QB did a 7-step drop.  Using basic geometry, you can see where LaMarr had an easy path fairly straight at the QB.  


2.  Got a slop stop of Johnson on a 3d & 18 draw play, 1st play of 2Q.  


3.  Got walled off by TE Craig Stevens on a 1st  & 10 run in the 2Q, which Johnson easily cruised around the corner for an easy 7 yard gain. 


4.  Easily blocked by a RB, Mooney, at 2:00 2Q, which allowed Johnson easy access to the corner for a 6-yard gain.  In fact, during that long, laborious 12-play drive that featured 11 running plays, 7 of those ground

runs were run at The Big He-man, Woodley, which just goes to show the complete lack of respect the Titans had when they could have easily picked on Worilds or a rookie on the other side.  


5.  Whiffed on Johnson in backfield, 2nd play of 3Q.  Somehow, gave Big LaMarr a phantom solo stop for this whiff of an effort. 


6.  Easily SEALED IN on a wide Johnson run at 10:00 4Q, good for 11 yards and a 1st down.  


That was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   2 weak-assed solos, including a WHIFF, and 2 slop assists.   Despite rushing the passer on the majority of pass plays, he applied only the rarest of pressure.  Big hits?  NONE.    Heavy QB pressure?    NONE.     Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   NONE.    Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   He seemed to go out of his way to titty-joust and play pussy paw-paw, just to look busy.  


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 1 game:

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks™: 0

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0 

Flailing Whiffs: 1

First downs allowed:  1

TDs allowed:  0


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1


Like this? Share it with friends: Follow me on Twitter:
Your opinion counts so voice it!! There are no comments on this article in the fan forums. Be the first to comment.
Don't have an account? Sign up now (it's free)

Other Related Articles
09/10/2013 Dick the Dullard Again Shows Grande Ignorance by by Still Mill
09/09/2013 Stillers-Titans Postgame Analysis and Grades by by Still Mill
09/07/2013 Are the Stillers Destined for Mediocrity this Season? by by Palmer Sucks