Loose Slag from The Still Mill (Aug. 8th, 2004)

- The biggest story to date from training camp?�� Why, of course, it's ScooterGate.�� Head Coach Billy Cowher decreed scooters as "too dangerous", as though smashing skulls and twisting one's body during pileups and scrums is a safe activity.� Joey Porter, however, cleverly outfoxed Cowher, bringing a 4-wheeled golf cart to camp.� Gee, there's a surprise, almost too difficult to fathom -- Billy Cowher was (once again) outfoxed.� Cowher then tried to cover his embarrassment by decreeing that Porter could ride in the cart, but not drive it.� Instead, a 16-year old ballboy will drive the cart, which, as we all know, is far safer than a 27-year old adult.� Whether it is politics, business, or sports, it's always humorous to watch a dullard try to cover one gaffe with an equally foolish gaffe.�

- The Stillers signed Bungal OLB Adrian Ross to a 1-year deal.� "Yo, Adrian!"�� Ross should be relegated waaaay behind Haggans, Jackson, and Adibi, but the veteran-loving Billy Cowher -- always paranoid and fearful of using youngsters and untested/unproven vets -- may very well shoot Ross up the depth chart.� At any rate, Ross is, at the very least, an improvement over the LB who'd tied up the LOLB spot the past 8 seasons.�

- Kendick Clancy messed up a calf muscle and is out 4 weeks.� Frankly, it was an outrageous move to even bring Clancy back for another season of ineptitude, but this injury should seal his fate.� If rookie NT Eric Taylor, who is slightly hobbled by a hamstring, shows even the slightest glimmer of promise, Clancy should be shown the door�.forever.� Teams aspiring to rebound from a 6-win season don't need bumbling, totally inept oxygen thieves like Clancy on the roster.�

- This bit of humor from the Trib Review a couple days ago: "Coaches were reluctant to replace (Burnt) Alexander last season, largely because he knew where to line up and other players looked to him for guidance."  Yes, indeed�.Burnt Alexander knew� "where to line up".� He didn't have the slightest clue as to what to do once the ball was snapped, but, what the hell, he knew where to line up.  He didn't make a play on a passed ball, nor lay a vicious hit, since the 1900's, but alas, HE KNEW WHERE TO LINE UP.� And, let's not forget the importance of, "Other plays looked to him for guidance."� It's terrific that the Stillers were so cleverly able to employ a guidance counselor as their starting free safety the past 4 seasons.� With hundreds upon hundreds of very capable middle school and high school guidance counselors right here in Western Pennsylvania, it makes one wonder why the team would even waste a draft choice on a safety when they have such a burgeoning population of guidance counselors right in the backyard of Heinz Field.�

- Kudos to the astute readership of Stillers.com.�� While polls at various other lame web site showed a majority of fans favoring the Billy Cowher contract extension, Stillers.com fans replied to our front-page poll with kind of football savvy and knowledge that differentiates them as the best and brightest.� In our poll question that asks, "Thoughts on the Cowher extension?", with choices of, "A great move, because Billy Cowher is so great" and "Absolutely ludicrous", you, the faithful readers of Stillers.com, voted for "absolutely ludicrous" at the rate of 90% on a poll that (as of this writing) has over 1800 votes.� Very well done, Stillers.com readership.�

- As I'd long stated, Kendall Simmons was unfairly thrown to the wolves last summer, coming off shoulder surgery and being diagnosed with diabetes just days before camp.� If ever there was a perfect candidate for PUP, it was Simmons, but a myopic, stone-stubborn coaching staff insisted on throwing Simmons to the wolves.� From all reports thus far, Simmons has regained his strength and blocking ability and has acquitted himself well so far at camp.�

- I can only imagine what the conversation consisted of when Billy Cowhard and his staff discussed Simmons' situation just a couple days before camp opened last summer�

����������� Asst. Coach:� "Bill, you know, Kendall had that shoulder surgery just a month ago, and that alone saps a player's strength & flexibility.� Now, he has diabetes�he's lost 30-some pounds and a helluva lot of strength."�

����������� Coach Bilbo:�� "Uhhhh, so�.?�� So what do ya want me to do about it�.?"��

����������� Asst. Coach:� "Well, maybe we should place him on PUP�.?"

����������� Coach Bilbo:�� "Duh-uhhh�..PUP�..?� What's that?"��

����������� Asst. Coach:� "Physically Unable to Perform list.� If we put him on now, we can still activate him in 6 weeks, after he's had a chance to get this blood sugar thing down and regain some strength and add some weight back."��

����������� "Coach Bilbo:� "Uhhh�..naw, I don't think so.�� I don't know if the NFL will approve of it and besides, I'm too afraid to go with anyone who is young or unproven, and besides, Kendall should be just fine.� Get him out there and throw him into the thick of things.� This diabetes stuff is overrated, anyway�"�

- Aside from RT, the rest of the O-line seems to be fitting together rather nicely.� RT will be the pesky bugaboo that simply will not go away.� This much we know:� Todd Fordham has no business starting as a RT in the NFL.� Fat Oliver Ross is a smidgen better, but is still a dubious starter. �This leaves the big oafish lunger, rookie Max Starks.� On a team that has a cohesive, progressive pedagogical approach, Starks might actually have a chance to acquit himself with minimal embarrassment.� Problem is, he's on a team with no pedagogy whatsoever, leaving the big lunger to fend for himself.� Not good.� Remember, under Bilbo Cowher's supreme tutelage, this is a team that has never, in 12 years, developed a capable, effective, long-term starting offensive lineman whose pedigree was less than a 2nd round draftee.� The short-term fix could be rookie RT Bo Lacy, a tough, scrappy brawler who can at least get his paws on oncoming rushers without whiffing.� Problem with Lacy is that, in all likelihood, he'll never get the chance to show his stuff.�

- This bit of genius reporting from today's Post Gazette:� "And he (Maddox) appear (sic) to be more confident than ever, even showing a deft ability to move in the pocket."� Maddox showing a "deft ability to move in the pocket" is as farcical as Shaq O'Neal showing humility.� It's rather easy to look "deft" in the pocket during training camp drills when the QB is wearing a red jersey and defensive teammates are under ultra-strict orders to not even breathe on the QB, much less tap the QB with so much as a pinkie.� This much is fact about Mommy Maddox: there is no slower starting QB in the NFL, not even Vinny Testicle out in Dallas.�

- Speaking of Vinny Testicle, remember this: if you're one of those Garbage-Stat mongers and lovers who love to point out meaningless stats as the worth and greatness of a player, then you must laud Vinny Testicle as one of the greatest QBs in NFL history.� Last season, Vinny became only the 9th QB in NFL history to pass for more than 40,000 yards in a career.� Given a couple more seasons -- even if he plays only half the time -- Vinny could easily end up as the 6th or 7th highest passing yardage QB in NFL history.�� So, the next time you hear someone praise Jason GilDong as "the all-time Steeler sack leader" and "he has 77 career sacks", remember Vinny Testicle's garbage stats.� If you're going to crow about Jason's garbage stats, then you absolutely must vote Vinny into the NFL Hall of Fame, regardless of how outrageously pitiful Vinny was as a leader and an accomplisher of victories in clutch situations.���

- Speaking of Big Jason GilDong, Ted Bouchette of the PG wrote this in their "Insider" section last week: "If, on the other hand, the Steelers have to start Alonzo Jackson at left outside linebacker, they're in bigger trouble on defense than they thought they might be. Jackson could be used as a situational pass rusher, but he's no every-down linebacker."� Funny thing about that comment: the team employed a starter -- a guy who NEVER had competition in 8 years of starting at LOLB -- who wasn't remotely close to being an "every down linebacker".� After the past 8 years, why worry about that now�.??�

- More silly gibberish from Ted Bouchette: "There's no guarantee when Haggans returns that he will play better than Jason Gildon did last year. But there is a guarantee - at least from right here - that whoever fills in until Haggans returns won't make anyone forget the team's all-time sack leader."� Sorry, Ted, we've already forgotten who that clumsy buffoon was.� We've got no idea who you're talking about.� At any rate, even if Dedrick Roper starts at LOLB, there is a guarantee -- at least from right here -- that we'll see more toughness, more desire, more savvy, and more hitting from the LOLB that we did from the fraud who tied up this spot the past 8 years.� I encourage Stillers.com readership to remind Ted Bouchette of his "guarantee" at every opportunity.� Teddy can be reached at: ebouchette@post-gazette.com

(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)