Dose of reality needed as Stillers head toward playoffs

The Stillers beat the Tampa Bay Bucs, 17-7, on Monday evening, and since then, the team is being heralded as the 2nd coming of the '72 Dolphins.� From the outrageous gushing and fawning over this team by nearly every member of the local Pittsburgh media, it seems that the local media's next step is to collectively sign a petition demanding Commissioner Paul Tagliabue cancel the AFC Playoffs and issue a free pass to the Stillers for the Super Bowl in San Diego.� After all, according to these fawning experts, the Stillers had their "signature game", and any team left in its path will be steamrolled easier than the Poles were in 1939 by Hitler's blitzkrieg.�

According to these experts, no team in the AFC comes close to the Stillers, because, after whipping up on the Bengals, Jags, Panthers and Bucs, the Stillers are the AFC team to be reckoned with.� As a matter of fact, based on their ramblings, it would be prudent for both the media and the team to start booking their travel arrangements to San Diego right now.� After all, why put off tomorrow what you can do today, and why put off a chore later when it can be done now?� Plus, if they book their arrangements now, there's a huge savings to be had, rather than getting gouged 6 days prior to the Super Bowl by the airline and hotel industry.� (And, let's not forget -- nobody loves to save a buck more than Dan Rooney.)� �

Christmas is over, folks.� Let us therefore push aside the heavy doses of candy, cookies, eggnog, and wine, and bring a healthy dose of reality to the prospect of this team waltzing footloose and fancy free through the AFC playoffs and on to the Super Bowl.�

Aided by gross incompetence from opposing QBs and a laughably easy schedule, the Stillers are now supposedly the top dawg of the conference. �Despite the tripe that we'll apparently read for the next couple weeks, nothing could be further from the truth.

Let's face it: QB is the single most important position in all of the 4 major sports, ahead of even goalie and ace reliever.� And in the playoffs, quarterbacking is paramount above all else.� In the supposedly "big win" over Tampa, the Stillers "shut down" backup QB Shaun King.� Prior to this game, King had thrown exactly 1 pass in 2002; the same number as Tampa punter Tom Tupa.� Last season, King threw all of 31 passes.� Yet members of the Pittsburgh media were gushing after the game, "Not that it would have mattered if starter Brad Johnson had played instead of King."� Oh, sure.� King, as rusty as a tin can left in the gutter from The Great Depression, was scattershotting passes so errantly that, had he been throwing hand grenades instead of footballs to his receivers, he'd have inflicted very few casualties.� No QB in the entire NFL had thrown as many TD passes since November than Tampa starter Brad Johnson, and few have had a season as good as the one Johnson has had (22 TDs, 6 INTs).� Yet, according to the majority of the local media, "it wouldn't have made any difference" if Johnson had played instead of a bush-league backup who'd thrown exactly ONE pass the entire season.� Yeah, sure.� And it wouldn't make any difference if the Raiders lost Rich Gannon and had to go with backup Marques Tuiasosopo.� Nor, using the same imbecility, would it make any difference if Brett Favre got hurt and the Pack had to go with Doug Pederson or Craig Nall.� Because, hey�we all know -- it's just as easy to stop Brett Favre as it is Doug Pederson.� And stopping Rick Mirer or Tuiasosopo is every bit as difficult as stopping Rich Gannon.� After all, those backup QBs are "professionals", so we're told, and by all means, they have every bit of the ability, talent, and wherewithal to get the job done as a Gannon or a Favre.� In the past 3 wins, the Stillers defense has "risen to the occasion" by "shutting down" the 32nd ranked offense "led" by rookie QB David Carr; the 31st ranked offense "led" by decrepit graybeard Rodney Peete, and the 22nd ranked defense "led" by a guy who hasn't played in two years named Shaun King.� I'm sure this will surprise most of the local media, but the Stillers will not have the luxury of facing such incompetent boobs in the playoffs as Carr, Peete, or King.�

The division and the 2nd half of the schedule have both been a cakewalk.� Little needs to be said about the cakeyness of the AFC North.� When your closest competitor is the Cleve Clowns, you know you've got a joyride.� Add the cap-riddled Ravens and the perennial laughingstock Bungals, and you've got more cake than a Hostess factory.� The 2nd half of the slate was also cake:� Home against Atlanta, Cinci, Houston (an expansion club), Carolina, and Balt.� Of that, only Atlanta will play in the postseason.� Road games were at Tenn, Jax, and Tampa.� Tenn whipped ass on Cowher, and Tampa, as noted above, was severely handicapped at the most important position on the gridiron.

Cowher apologists will instantly claim that Cowher can do nothing about the schedule and the opponents.� Quite true, but he can do something about development, progress, preparation, and execution.� Furthermore, a dimbulb myopic like Cowher needs frequent stern tests in order to shake himself out of his stubborn doldrums.� Without stern tests to snap him back into reality, Cowher is content to smugly wallow in his fantasy world full of vanilla and opposing predictability.� Sure enough, when Cowshit hits the playoffs, he stands ossified on the sidelines, totally stunned and bewildered that an opponent would stoop so low as to eschew vanilla and predictability.�

And, as I'd noted in my postgame report from the Tampa game, this wasn't the outrageous asswhipping that it was made out to be.� The Stillers scored a TD on their opening drive, and got an easy INT returned for a TD on the ensuing Tampa drive.� After that, all the Stillers were able to muster for the next 41 minutes was a measly FG.� Yep, that's it -- 3 points.� 5 & punt; 3 & punt; 7 & fumble; 5 & punt; 6 & punt; 6 & punt; and 10 & loss of downs.� Given the dearth of forced turnovers and especially INTs by this Stiller defense, scoring 10 points in 60 minutes of football is hardly something to gush about in this day of pro football.�

The Stillers offense is anchored behind the hopes that a one-dimensional, 285-pound, injury-prone RB -- who spends more time at the food table than the treadmill -- can carry the load for this offense.� Fatboy Bettis is famous for gaining the easy yards against the likes of the Browns and Bengals, but it will be interesting to see what the Fat Back does against a defense a bit more stingier than that of, say, Cinci.� The defense has feasted against lowly incompetents as well, as noted above.� This season, the Stiller defense has faced 5, and only 5, versatile, dangerous offenses -- NE, Oak, NO, Atlanta, and Tenn.� Of those 5 offenses, they got thrashed by all 5, losing 4 of those games and choking away a 17-point lead for a pitiful tie versus Atlanta.� Claims that the defense "is back in form" and "is at the top of the NFL" are absolutely ludicrous, because the recent defensive success has been built by holding �back the supreme firepower of such offensive weaklings as Cinci, Houston, Carolina, and Tampa.

Let's also not forget that no coach can screw up in the playoffs as well as Marty Shottenheimer and his son, Billy Cowher.� Both are career playoff flops, and for good reason: both are gutless cowards whose preparation and in-game adjustments are horribly inadequate.� In the playoffs, no coach in modern history has done less with more than Billy Cowher.� Remember, Cowher is the supposed genius who saw fit throughout most of this '02 season to sit superstar, hitter-extraordinaire Kendrell Bell for 20 & 30 snaps a game, all because Bell didn't fit into Cowher's cookie-cutter dime defense.� Cowher is the same genius that had the Stillers employ a DIME defense with the ball on their 4-yard line against the Titans, and Eddie George carried the ball virtually untouched into the EZ on a basic line plunge.� Cowher is the genius that, after getting sliced up by NE's passing game, was "surprised" when Gannon and the Raiders did the exact same thing 6 days later.� These, and numerous other gaffes and boners -- both this season and the past 7 forays into the playoffs -- should tell you that coaching isn't something that can be simply "turned on" when it is needed.� When it comes to the playoffs, Cowher is an imbecile, and he has a proven track record of this imbecility that dates all the way back to January 1993.� The road to perdition for this team's playoff hopes starts -- and ends -- with one man, Billy Cowher.�

When you're dealing with a career playoff sapsucker like Billy Cowher, you have got to separate reality from fantasy.� It's nice to think that, with the win over Tampa and its rusty backup QB, the Stillers are set to easily dominate the AFC and casually march to the Super Bowl.� Unfortunately, Shaun King won't be the opposing QB in the playoffs.� And instead of Michael Pittman or Dee Brown, the Stillers may face Charlie Garner or Ricky Williams.� Go ahead, if you prefer, and book your arrangements for San Diego.� Just remember -- last year, Billy Cowher prematurely had his team book arrangements for New Orleans, and a few days later, fell flat on their ass.� If you call this week to make arrangements for San Diego, just be sure to ask for refundable plane tickets and hotel reservations.� �