The GilDong Report (Dec. 19th, '00)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong�s 11 sacks in �98 --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I devoted considerable time last season to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '00, I'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he is.
Gildon, as you probably already know, hoodwinked enough voters to be voted in to a reserve spot for the Pro Bowl. Armed with his dubious Pro Bowl reserve spot, Gildon responded in the must-win Skins game with an lackluster, underwhelming effort that was as inspirational and awe-inspiring as watching the mating habits of the yellow-bellied sapsucker. (come to think of it, Gildon is yellow in terms of courage, and he is a sap and a sucker�.)
On the very first series, the RedFaces faced a 3rd & 1 at their 49. They sent Davis up RT on a plunge, and Gildon was literally BURIED on the play. The LG, Andy Heck, pulled and just buried Gildon like an 9th grade bully shoving around a 3rd grader for lunch money. Luckily, Holmes and Kirk combined to stuff Davis on this play -- no thanks to GilDong.
On a 1st & 10 at 9:04 of the 1st qtr, Davis ran a lil' wide of RT. A scrum of bodies ensued before Davis could get to the hole. Gildon -- never one to enjoy contact -- looped waaay around this scrum, and as Davis was hitting the scrum and looking for room, Gildon was able to dive and grab at his feet from the back & side. Holmes did a superb job of shutting down any daylight on this play, and chipped in on the stop. But then you can hear the PA announcer in the background, saying "Brought down by Gildon�.", which indicates that Gildon may very well have been credited for a solo, when it should have been an assist for each man.
On a 3d & 13 at 0:49 of the first qtr, the Skins ran a screen pass to their left. Gildon actually dashed over --- hell afire --- and made the tackle from behind, short of the marker. This play actually showed a rare fit of speed, hustle, and gumption by Big Jason.
On a 3rd & 8 from their own 6 at 4:31 2Q, Wash. ran Centers on a draw play up RG/RT. Holmes made the stick & stop of a 3-yard gain, and Gildon, as is his wont as a stack-jumper, dove in after the stop. This should have been a solo for Holmes, but may have been 'ruled' an assist for each, which would be a travesty.
At 11:01 of the 3rd quarter, on a 1st and 10 from their 5, Davis ran up RT on a running play. During the cadence, FB Larry Centers moseyed to his right in-motion, and then stopped and faced Gildon well before the ball was snaped. At the snap, Centers -- hardly known as a ferocious blocker in NFL circles -- moved slightly forward and prepared to solo-block The Dong. Meanwhile, Gildon -- the firebreathing "Pro Bowler" -- cowered & lowered his left shoulder, and rather than TAKING ON the fullback, dipped waaay down, so that his back was literally facing Centers. In a play remarkably similar to the goal-line play in the Giants game last week, Gildon was literally buried by Centers, a man who gives up THIRTY (30) pounds to Big Jason. Luckily enough, Davis ended up stumbling over a piece of Centers, and Kirk swooped in for the stop. Nevertheless, considering who Gildon was facing and the front-on-front angle that Gildon HAD before he dipped way down, this was among the most pansy-assed plays I have ever seen in all my years of watching the National Football League. I could accept this kind of play from a Deion Sanders when being blocked by a lumbering lineman, but for Gildon to puss out & cowardly turn his back to a smaller man (whom he outsizes by 30 pounds and 3 inches) for the second week in a row is utterly sickening. But, hey, he's a pro bowler.
At 9:03 of the 3rd, on a 1st & 10 at the 50, Jeff George faked a plunge to Davis up LG, and then reverse bootlegged to the right. Gildon, as his norm despite being the superstar pro bowler that he is, was totally bamboozled on the play, and bought the play-fake more eagerly than a lottery-winning heroin addict spotting a friendly drug salesman. With Gildon easily fooled out of position, George had an acre of room and time to make a pass play or even keep the ball and run around end. But George slipped on the wet turf, and fell dead on his ass. With George just lying on his back like a cheap whore, Alexander and the sack-monging, havoc-wreaking Gildon sauntered over and dove onto George to procure the half-sack for each man. In fact, Gildon was blocked only by backup TE James Jenkins, and was only influence-blocked for a second, before Jenkins peeled off. Obviously, this was a Dong Sack. Just look at the opening paragraph of this article, which is the same every week -- " Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks�."
On a 2nd & 11 at the Skins' 19, at 2:10 of the 3rd, George dropped straight back for a pass. Ever-fearful of what a terror Jason is, the Skins assigned RB S. Davis, and only Davis, to block Big Jason. Remember, Davis gives up THIRTY pounds and 3 inches to Big Bad Jason. Davis stepped up from his RB spot to meet Jason, and Jason responded with a meek love-tap that wouldn't have busted open an egg. Davis jacked up Gildon like a flat tire, and Gildon didn't get within 10 feet of George. Unfettered and un-harassed, George calmly completed a 20-yard pass to S. Alexander. There's no stat for this kind of play, but when an offense can use its TE to run a deepish pattern, and use a tackle to gang-up on your DE or your inside blitzers, and you cannot create ANY pressure or harassment with your "pro bowl" LB being SOLO-BLOCKED by a RB, then as a defense you most assuredly have LOST the battle on this play.
On the very next play, Wash. ran a screen to the right. Gildon, who was back in short-zone coverage, had good position to make the stop. But he timidly stood around instead of coming UP, and then was lightly blocked by THIRD-STRING guard Derrick Fletcher. Gildon then squatted down and did his trademark 1-arm flail, which Stephen Davis easily busted through like a rhino stomping an ant. Kirk came over to make the stop.
On a 3rd & 14 at 14:55, on their own 40, the Skins ran a totally discombobulated play. RB Adrian Murrell went in motion to the right. At the snap, the WR split to the right barely moved a half-step, and then walked, acting as though he thought the play would be blown dead. The slot WR to the left NEVER moved at the snap of the ball. Murrell himself was flagged for illegal motion. The RT, Jon Jansen, never moved at the snap of the ball, either. Gildon looped around the stopped-over, not-moving Jansen, and got an easy sack of George. Obviously, this was yet another Dong Sack. When 4 players do not move, or are illegally in motion, then either the ball was snapped on the wrong count, &/or the cadence/snap-count got screwed up in the huddle or at the LOS. Jansen had bullied and abused Gildon all afternoon, but on this play in which Jansen never moved a finger when the ball was initially snapped, Big Jason was the lucky recipient of yet another Dong Sack.
There you have it, folks. That was IT from Big Jason, the Big Bad pro bowl reservist. Not once did Jason, when blocked, EVER create harassment, pressure, or disruption on the Washington QBs. To sum this game up:
1. Holmes contributed an assist, but PA announcer said "Brought down by Gildon" on a cowardly play in which Gildon avoided contact; looped around a scrum; and made an assist from behind.
2. Nice chasedown on a screen to OTHER side, on a play in which he was essentially unblocked.
3. Dong Sack, in which the RT never moved when the ball was snapped.
1. Holmes stuffs Centers on draw play, but the stack-jumping Gildon dives in "just to be sure", and gets credit for the cheapie assist.
2. QB slips onto his ass, and Jason -- after being totally sucked in on the play-fake -- ambles over for the touch half-sack of the prone QB.
In fact, the Stiller PR Machine -- the same slick connivers who took a forced fumble from Lee Flowers in the Jets game and gave it to Gildon (this report has refused to recognize it in the stats, below) -- continually took AWAY solo stops from Holmes, and gave them away as assists for others, most notably Big Jason. Holmes had at least 6 clear, obvious solos, but was given credit for only 3 (along with 10 assists).
The Pro Bowl voting is a formula comprised of 1/3 players, 1/3 coaches, and 1/3 fans. Since we play the other 5 teams within our division, we face only 11 different teams all year, but since the voting takes place before the 15th game, in reality we've faced only 9 of 31 NFL teams. So, less than 30% of the players in the NFL have either opposed Gildon on the gridiron or studied him on film, and less than 30% of the coaches have seen him "live" or studied him on film. As for the fans, probably 2% of all who voted, have ever seen more than two Steeler games all season. The easiest way to vote, regardless of whether the voter is a player, coach, or fan, is to simply peruse the "league leaders" in the USA Today or the local hick paper, and vote accordingly. Obviously, with Big Jason's raw sack total standing out in a year where the AFC league leaders have smallish sack numbers, the voters, although totally ignorant of who Jason is and what he's done this season, had an easy time chalking a vote for him.
The ignorant -- which obviously includes most of those who vote for the Pro Bowl -- will look in the boxscore of this Skins game, and mistakenly conclude that 1-1/2 sack Gildon was a terrorizing monster who spent most of the day menacingly marauding around the Redskin backfield. The reality, of course, is that Gildon was once again as feeble and limp as gerbil trying to hump a gorilla, and only through the miracle of the Dong Sack did Big Jason look competent on paper. I issued this challenge last week, and nobody responded. I'll issue it again -- if Gildon had a quality game versus Washington, then please email me and identify exactly which playS Big Jason made (other than the ONE screen pass, which I've noted.)
Pro Bowl? Ha! Puh-leeze. The only bowl Gildon belongs in is the toilet bowl. Jack Lambert must have been quite pleased with the effort and reckless abandon of ILB Early Holmes on Sunday, but it must have made Lambert physically sick to watch the pansy-assed play of Jason GilDong. My biggest concern right now, is not if we can make the playoffs, but rather, if I have to do the GilDong Report if we make the playoffs. I don't think my stomach can handle having to prepare a GilDong Report against a solid playoff foe.
As an extra bonus this week, a faithful reader (Mad Mike) submitted this superb re-make of "The Thong Song" by Sisqo:
The Dong Song (sung to the tune of The Thong Song)
This song right here,
Is lettin' all you Stillers fans know,
What Still Mill's been talkin' about,
You know, that overrated linebacker,
Ha, Ha, check it out
Oooh that sack so Dongdalous,
Thatchu know another Stiller wouldn'ta gotten it,
So he's dancin' around like a little bitch,
Cause that Dong sack will pad his statistics,
Uh, he can beat those running backs,
But a fatass lineman'll stop him in his tracks,
On occasion he'll get a Dong Sack,
And it'll send him to the Pro Bowl
He does the wide loop rush, rush, rush,
That makes 'em fawn and gush, gush, gush,
Baby, he just sucks, sucks, sucks,
I think I'll sing it again,
He does the wide loop rush, rush, rush,
That makes 'em fawn and gush, gush, gush,
All game long,
Let me see that Dong
Love it when the crowd goes,
He's goin' to the Pro Bowl,
To the fans, he wanna show
That Dong, D-Dong, Dong, Dong
Season to date totals for Jason, in 15 games:
Earned Sacks: 5
Dong Sacks™: 6.5
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 3
The Still Mill