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The WoodenDong Report (AFC Wild Card, @ Denver)

January 15, 2012 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (AFC Wild Card, @ Denver)


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you The WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  


Here in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the outrageous fraud that he truly is. 


Having sat out some of the 49er game and the final 2 regular season games, The $61M He-Man finally got up the gumption and courage to play.  He played intermittently on a platoon with Worilds, with Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, credited with 2 solos and 0 assist. 


 Here�s what Big LaMarr did:


     - on the first Donco play from scrimmage, Tebow ran a keeper to his right, and Big LaMarr, with plenty of help from the DE and Gay, bottled the play.  Big LaMarr got a solo stop.  


    - early in the 2Q, Ball ran the ball to the right, and had nowhere to run.   He ran into a scrum of bodies, and Big LaMarr was credited with a solo stop.  


That was IT from Big LaMarr. 


     - A short while later in the 2Q, Big LaMarr did a huge Wide Loop Rush on 2d & 6 on the 8-yard line, and the resulting ALLEY was wide enough to fit a �72 Oldsmobile, and Tebow ran in nearly untouched for an easy TD.


    - Being the complete puss that he is, LaMarr sat out a good bit of the 2H.   He did return late in the 3Q.   The Big He-Man whiffed on Tebow on an option keeper late in the 3Q (3:42 3Q), with a weak-assed 1-armed flail.  


     - On a 2d & 7 at 8:33 4Q, Big LaMarr beat the right guard (a considerable feat, as he hadn�t beaten a blocker all day long with his big bullrush) on an inside slant rush, but then whiffed on a fairly easy sack.   Very, very weak.    


    - For once, Big LaMarr�s standing around, doing nothing, paid some dividends, as he was standing around when McGahee coughed up the ball, and LaMarr managed to recover it. 


    - On a 2d & 8 at 2:00 4Q, Big LaMarr got at least within an arm�s reach of the QB, which in and of itself was a major surprise.   Like a complete jackass, LaMarr reaches out and grab�s Timmy Tebow�s facemask, which should have drawn a 15-yard flag.  Instead, the dim-bulbed ref crew -- which was horrendous all game long -- simply missed the penalty.  



Big hits?  NONE.    Heavy QB pressure?    None.    Harassment ?    None.   Blown up plays?   NONE.   Meaningful impact?   None. 


Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 9+ played games:


Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks�: 8.0  

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0 

Flailing Whiffs: 4

First downs allowed:  11

TDs allowed:  2



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