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The WoodenDong Report (Game #8, @ N.E.)

November 08, 2013 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #8, @ N.E.) 


In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.


In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 4 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 


As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong.  (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  


Here in 2013, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 


In the 8th game of the season against Pats, Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with yet another a listless, feeble, half-hearted performance.   He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing. 


Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with a measly 2 solos and 6 assists, in a ho-hum, bland effort.   


Here were Big LaMarr’s plays:

1.  On a 1st & G in the 1Q, The $61M He-Man literally JOG-LOAFED on the play, in which the RB skirted The Dogger and appeared to score.   It was ruled no TD, but still -- what a lazy pile ‘o shit.    

2.  On 1 & 10 at 12:36 2Q, Ridley ran a routine dive play up RG for a 4 yard gain.   Big LaMarr got a slop assist.   When ya give up 4 yards on the ground on 1st down, it’s called LOSING football.  

3.  On the very next play, Big LaMarr -- all 280 pounds -- got trucked by the much smaller Ridley near the end of a 13-yard gain.   This was a SLOP SOLO, which is what LaMarr specializes in.  

4.  On a 2d & 7 at 7:23 2Q, Ridley ran a dive up RG and was stopped by Big LaMarr and Timmons for a 1-yard gain.

5.  On a 3d & 17 at 4:37 2Q, the Pats ran a draw play up a gaping hole.  LaMarr ambled over and was in perfect position to deliver a blindsided BLAST to the RB -- perhaps actually doing something by forcing a fumble -- but instead meekly pawed at the runner as though the RB was coated with barbed wire and touch-sensitive explosives.   The RB gained 14 yards on the play, with Clark and Heyward making the stop.  What a complete fuking pussy.   

6.  At 1:50 2Q, Ridley ran up LT for 8 yards.   Big LaMarr moseyed over and got a slop assist, along with C. Allen.  

7.  On the next play, Ridley ran up the gut for 2 yards.  Timmons had the primary stop, but Big LaMarr hopped on for a slop assist.   

8.  At 0:29 2Q, Bolden ran up the gut for 11 yards.   Bit LaMarr was once again “there” for the slop assist. 

9.  Pola stripped the ball from Ridley in the 3Q, and Big LaMarr played “look what I found” with a rare recovery.   Of course, instead of actually doing something productive with the football, LaMarr looked all befuddled and was literally looking for a whistle instead of running until he heard a whistle.  

10.  Totally unblocked, Big LaMarr got a slop solo on a plunge at 10:55 3Q.  Watch the play on your DVR.   Totally untouched and unblocked.   That’s pretty much how The Dogger gets his solos...when he’s completely ignored and unblocked. 

11.  At 3:43 3Q, Ridley took a SG handoff up the gut for 4 yards.   LaMarr got a slop assist with Timmons. 

This was it.   You’ll note The Dogger did jack dick in the 4Q, when the Pats were lighting up the scoreboard to the tune of 28 points. 


Casper Woodley finished with 2 weak-assed solo and 6 slop assists, rarely ever harassing the QB or doing anything to provide IMPACT.     His whopping 2 solos were:   a.) at the end of a 13-yard run in which he got trucked, and b.) a 4-yard plunge in which The Big He-Man  was entirely unblocked on the play.  

That was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   2 weak-assed solos, 6 slop assists, zero passes defended, and zero anything.   Despite rushing the passer on the majority of pass plays, he applied only the rarest of pressure.  Big hits?   NONE.   Heavy QB pressure?    NONE.     Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   NONE.    Meaningful impact?   Absolutely NONE.  The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   He seemed to go out of his way to titty-joust and play pussy paw-paw, just to look busy.  


To add salt to the wound, let’s examine who The Dogger faced most of the time.  It was a BACKUP tackle, Matt Cannon, forced into the starting job when starting RT Sebastian Vollmer was injured on Oct 27th versus the Dolphins and was shelved for the season.  So here’s the $61M He-Man, facing a weak-assed BACKUP tackle, and he does just about nothing all game long.  Par for the course, of course.

But sure enough, because he has 4 Dong Sacks to bring his cheesy sack total up to 5 for the season, the blind Pittsburgh media will continue to fawn all over The Dogger.   “Oh, Big LaMarr is back; he now has 5 sacks”.   

Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   What a fraud.   What a disgrace.  What an embarrassment.  What a farce.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 


Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 8 games:

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks™: 4

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0 

Flailing Whiffs: 11

First downs allowed:  13

TDs allowed:  4

Dumbassed penalties:  2



(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1



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