The WoodenDong Report� (Game #1, @ Ravens)
In
the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring
you the WoodenDong Report.
In
light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2
seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the
exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.�
As longtime Stillers.com readers may recall,
Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have
incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)� �
Here
in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the
fraud that he truly is.�
�
In
the season opener against the team�s most bitter rival, Big LaMarr lived up to
his reputation as The Dogger with a listless, feeble, half-hearted
performance.�� He dogged it the entire
game, impacting nothing and doing nothing.�
Big
LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 3 solos, to include
a sack.� Sure enough, by virtue of
recording a sack, there are media members and fans that will blindly nod and
say, �Yup, Woodley had a solid game.���
In reality, he had anything but a solid game; in fact, he had a shit
game.�� We�ll see what a cheesy day at
the office The Big He-Man truly had.�
Here
were Big LaMarr�s 3 tackles:
1.� On a 2d & 10 in the 2Q, Flacco hit Dennis
Pitta, a backup TE, on a short crosser.� Big LaMarr had dropped into a short coverage,
and as Pitta moved into his zone and caught the
4-yard pass, The $61M Man moved like Doug Legursky as he waddled his fat ass after Pitta, who easily dashed right by and gained 16 yards and
the 1st down.�� At the end of his hefty
gainer, Big Lamarr got a little baby-shove of Pitta as Pitta was scooting OOB,
and for that, The $61 Man was awarded a solo stop, also known as a slop
stop.�� Pitta,
a 2nd year man, had 1 NFL catch coming into this game....for ONE yard.��
2.� On the 1st play of the 4Q, Big LaMarr was
SOLO chip-blocked by a TE, Ed Dickson.��
Dickson then scooted aside and LaMarr barged by a RB,
and after a good 4 seconds, Flacco took a coverage sack.��� For $61M, that kind of money can get you a
coverage sack while being blocked by a TE.���
3.� On a 3rd & 17 late in the blowout (2:26
4Q), Dickie Williams carried the ball up LG.� Big LaMarr was left totally unblocked on the
play, and he jogged over and made a slop stop after a 5-yard gain.��� (Quick....sign this guy for another $20M on
top of the $61M.....and fast...!!)�
That
was it from Big LaMarr.... 2 slop stops and a Dong Sack.� Big hits?� NONE.��� Heavy QB pressure?��� NONE.���� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� None.� The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing
blockers.� He loafed and lollygagged the entire game, none more than on the Rice
cutback run at 7:04 2Q, where he just gave up on the play and allowed Rice a
hefty 9-yard gain.�
Apparently,
this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson
learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish
him with.� Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger
himself.�
Season to date totals
for Big LaMarr, in 1 game:
Earned
Sacks: 0
Dong
Sacks�: 1
Strips,
Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing
Whiffs: 0
First
downs allowed:� 2
TDs
allowed:� 0