STADIUM OR TV:  THE GAME EXPERIENCE…and other Rants

 

 

Cacoethes Scribendi-Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

If all the trees in the woods were men;

And every blade of grass a pen;

If every leaf on every shrub and tree;

Turned to a sheet of foolscap; every sea

Were changed to ink, and all earth’s living tribes

Had nothing else to do but act as scribes,

And for ten thousand ages day and night,

The human race should write and write and write,

Till all the pens and paper were used up,

And the huge inkstand was an empty cup,

Still would the scribblers around its brink

Call for more pens, more paper, and more ink.

 

In addition, my friends, to suffering from PEIS (Post-Euphoric Immersion Syndrome), I also find myself afflicted with Cacoethes Scribendi, the irresistible urge to write.

 

My writings, as described by my dear friend, Iron City Psycho, are often “fictional blatherings.”  Psycho impressed me with that term, demonstrates that he really has gone to school.   My writings are often self-described as “bullshit” articles and threads.

 

Yesterday, I wrote a grant proposal….needed a new boiler for the Children’s Home.  How exciting is that.  “Relationship to Agency Mission.”  Hmmm…..let’s see….Well, it’s important Mr. Foundation Man, that the children not freeze….would be difficult to pursue our century-long mission while battling 50 cases of frostbite.

 

The following is football-based.  But be forewarned, dear reader, be patient, as I shall digress.

 

Recently, the message board, and the chat room (…now in the great abyss), has wrestled with the topic of whether Steeler football is best enjoyed in person, or on the tube.  Some of my most respected football savants, Fukcowher, and my brother, Tonyv15220, swear by their respective living rooms (… in Tony’s case, his bedroom, the better from which to evade his wife on gamedays). 

 

By the way…(first digression)I’m sure most of you think that Fuk’s screename has its origin in his disdain for our esteemed Steeler coach.  Not true….Fuk actually likes Cowher.  See, at the very moment Fuk was born, seeing his first daylight in Braddock Hospital, his parents looked at each other…aghast….and simultaneously cried out, “Oh……FUK!!!”  And a lifetime handle had its genesis.  Fuk, and think Baby Huey when you imagine baby pictures….was the 1973 winner of Ugliest Baby of Allegheny County.

 

Nicknames…..and keep in mind that most of my tales of my own family stories are true, not “fictitious blatherings.”  My loving parents regularly referred to me as Plate-Face.  My brother Tony was Buster….in fact he was lost once, at Kennywood I believe, appropriately sought out authorities, who paged the park for the parents of “Buster Anthony,”….true story.  My brother Ronnie was “Pippy” ??? or Mr. Pip…no idea why.  My brother Ralph was Angel….truth is he was a fuckin’ devil as a kid.  We always thought he was sired by a dalliance that my mother might have had with some Poncho during a trip to Mexico as well.  Dates didn’t support this though…funny how brothers can look so different.

 

Were some great nicknames growing up in Swissvale…..one kid was Yapis, another was Schmoe….one friend went through his entire childhood, adolescence and early adulthood known simply as Jackass.  My dad grew up with a big-eared kid in Rankin, nicknamed Sailboat.

 

Okay…..back to the topic.  Personally, I LOVE going to Stiller games, an experience perhaps unrivaled by no other…right, possibly not even that.  I embrace all of the logistical challenges, the early morning flights, the sleeping on the floor at Logan Airport.  I embrace the weather…the more you have to prepare for weather, the more you feel like you’re actually playing.  I embrace the crowds.  I embrace the associations…cigar smoke…reminds me of Heinz Field.  And…contrary to some fellow posters, I embrace the opportunity to sit with “my people.”  To be jammed in a house with 65,000 other Pittsburghers, either by birth or desire….can’t beat it!!

 

Downsides to the Stadium experience??  Number one downside is if the Steelers lose.  In that case, I instantly want to be back home in New Hampshire.  And it’ll be some time before I can get my ass even out of the Stadium.  Have to fight back through the airport, the flight, the indignity of landing in New England.  For this reason particularly, I’m not particularly enamored with road games.  First…even a home game is a road game for me, needing to fly down from New England…so I have the traveling experience, and still can sit with my people. 

 

For all of the games I’ve seen live, I’ve only been to 3 road games.  The first one was at Cleveland in 1976, big-ass Municipal Stadium.  Get this, I’m a recent college graduate, 21 years old, Tony and his 3 buddies, all recently 30 have an extra ticket.  It’s mine if I’ll drive…in my car….a beat up old lime-green clunker that regularly lost its transmission fluid, most notably on Forbes Ave. in Oakland on the day of the Pitt-WVU game…..Tony Dorsett era.  Anyway, the trip up to Cleveland’s not bad.  One Turkey Jones spike of Terry Bradshaw’s head to the turf later, we’re heading back to the Burgh after an 18-16 loss, a 1-4 start to the season.  Me and three drunken-ass 30-year olds, sleeping and snoring away.   Second away game was the infamous Fog Bowl in Foxboro in the ’96 playoffs.  Never have I had such a miserable time at a sporting event.  Never have I wanted so badly to be back in my living room.  Never have I developed so deep-seated a hatred for an ornery mother-fuckin’ fan base as I did that day…for the New England Patriot fan.  My lone positive was a year later, walking out of Foxboro, laughing my ass off at the 60,000 zombies filing out after Kevin Henry’s Immaculate Interception.

 

The only other stadium downside I can think of is needing to piss/grab a beer at halftime and 13 minutes not being enough time in which to do this.  For this purpose, God invented sinks.

 

Couple stadium musts…..pair of binoculars, though I’m always trying to decide whether to go with binocs (…tough for pass plays), or the naked eye, and make sure you tape, so that you can really see the game later.

 

I love the tailgating, even though I don’t tailgate as much as simply drink as much as I can while walking the lots checking out other peoples’  tailgates, love the atmosphere…..65,000 Terrible Towels waving…..Here  We Go Steelers, Here We Go, the electricity, the total focus on the game….the fact that no one…no one….can get me there…can interrupt my joy!!  Wife hates hearing me say this….but….closest I’ve ever come to a religious experience…..Steelers-Browns..’94 Divisional Playoffs.

 

The downsides to the TV experience are almost too numerous to mention.  Let’s start with the broadcast itself.  The announcers drive me crazy….would much rather have just the crowd noise and the referee’s mike.  With the advent of the down/distance/score/time in the corner, and the yellow first down stripe……I don’t need anybody else to tell my anything.  Way more irritating though, are the incessant graphics and promos….what the fuck!!  Get them the fuck out of there!!  I’m big on watching pre-snap movement.  The graphics prevent you from doing so!!  Hate that shit. 

 

There’s always the risk of interruption at home, too!!  The phone rings (….i don’t answer, but it still rings), the wife talks, the kids fight.  I’ve said it before; I most often watch alone. My goal is to get my family out of the house.  Baltimore game in November….thought I was all set. Wife was gone, son was gone, dropping daughter off at a friend’s house.  I drop her at 12:30, tell her I’ll pick her up around 5.  Friend’s mother comes out….”Oh…..we have to be somewhere at 3:45….please pick Idie up at 3:30.”  What the fuck!!  I was enraged…..practically put my fist through my windshield right there.  Turned red…fumed…..drove home in a rage.  Actually prayed for the wife to come home!!  There is a God…she showed up….did the pickup!!

 

If there’s a choice, take the stadium….safer bet!!