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The WoodenDong Report (Game #3, @ OAK)

October 01, 2012 by Still Mill

The WoodenDong Report  (Game #3, @ OAK)

In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.

In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 3 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 

As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  

Here in 2012, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 

In the 3rd game of the season, a loss to lowly OAK, Big LaMarr had a another fairly pedestrian game, doing little all game long.  
Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 4 solos and 0 assists. 

Here were Big LaMarr’s few plays that he was involved in:

- Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger, got a Dong Sack late in the 1Q after the bootfooted Palmer was pressured and froze in the pocket.  

- in the 2Q, QB Carson LipBalmer scrambled to his right, and as he was stepping to the sideline chalk, Big LaMarr got a solo when he shoved Carson LipBalmer OOB.   Quick, another annual $8M extension !  

- in the 3Q, Big LaMarr had an incredibly rare fight-off of block by TE Brandon Myers, on a toss sweep that lost a yard or two.  

- In the 4Q, Big LaMarr actually fought off a block on a power pitch, -1

That was it.   The Big He-Man never once sniffed, harassed, or pressured LipBalmer during the carefree pick-apart in the 2nd half.   

This was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   1 weak-assed Dong Sack, and some routine plays against TEs whom Big LaMarr dwarfs.   Big hits?  NONE.   Heavy QB pressure?   None.   Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   NONE.    Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   

Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 

Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 3 games:

Earned Sacks: 1

Dong Sacks™: 1

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0 

Flailing Whiffs: 0

First downs allowed:  2

TDs allowed:  0


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

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