The GilDong Report (Dec. 12th, '00)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong�s 11 sacks in �98 --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I devoted considerable time last season to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '00, I'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he is.
Despite last week's no-show against the Raiders, Gildon went into this game with plenty of media hype & hoopla. This was his chance to shine against one of the NFC's better team, and show the NFC folk what a ferocious stud he is. And, of course, this was his chance to lead the defense to a good effort against the Giants.
Instead of a big showing, Gildon was a big zero the entire day. I typically write the weekly Gildong Report on Tuesday nights, but after my tape scrub caused me to re-watch an utterly nauseating effort by Gildong, I felt it best that I flush this game from my system and not allow the stench of this game to fester for even one more day. I know there's more than a few folk out there who think that I'm being "too hard" and "too critical" of The Dong. Even if you didn't have the luxury of re-watching this stink-bomb on tape, CBS adroitly provided vivid instant replays of several of Gildon's bumbling boners.
For a good bit of the 1st qtr, Gildon stood around like a cashier at the checkout counter at your local grocery store. Then, on a key 3rd & 1 at the Stiller 35, at 5:15 of the 1st qtr, the Giants gave the ball to Barber, heading to his left. Barber then handed to Toomer on a reverse, and Toomer ran through a hole around his right end large enough to fit a moderately sized jumbo jet, for a 28-yard gain. As the entire TV world saw on the replay, Gildon aimlessly tiptoed in, and then to his right, with his head down. Just where Gildong was going, and what he planned to do with this useless angle, is beyond anyone who has followed football for at least 3 weeks. Then, he was so badly fooled on the reverse, that he was still ambling to his right AFTER the ball had been handed off to Toomer. A team with this kind of reliable ground game doesn't run a trick play on 3rd and 1 this early in a tie game, unless they'd spotted an obvious, sure-fire tendency by a defender -- in this case, Jason Gildong. This was as pitiful, shameless, and brainless a play as a 6-year veteran can make in the NFL. Had Gildon not been so badly bamboozled, the play may very well have been stopped short of the sticks, or worst case, it might have gain a few yards. Yes, I always see "pro bowl" players get totally duped -- for the 12th time -- each season.
A few plays later on the same drive, NY ran Dayne up RG/RT on a 4th down plunge from the 3/4 yard line. Gildon, untouched at the snap, met up with lead blocker, FB Greg Comella. Despite having 2 inches and 8 pounds on Comella, Gildon meekly --- like a pansie-assed coward -- laid down in front of Comella, the way little DBs do when facing bigger blockers. Comella buried Gildon onto his back, and Gildon lay on the ground with his feet kicking and flailing at Dayne, like a helpless lobster tossed onto his back. Fortunately, Kirk, Holmes, and Flowers stepped up and made the stuff on Dayne short of the GL. But unbelievably, after the commercial break, the camera is aimed right at Gildon while he's walking the sidelines, and then they show the re-play, with Phil Simms gushing over "what a play by Gildon to stuff this play." Stuff ?? Gildon didn't stuff anything. If he would have stuffed the play, he would have met the smaller Comella HEAD ON -- like a MAN -- and blasted him with full force. If the FB were a Fridge-type FB, I could accept this ploy by Gildong, but facing a smaller man in Comella, who hardly makes anyone forget about Mike Alstott, this was grossly unacceptable. Cowher blathers about how he's wanted the team to return to "Steeler football" -- is this pussycat kind of play what Cowher thinks is "Steeler football" ??
At 0:30 of the 1st, Barber caught a screen on the right. RG Parker had an easy time cutting down Gildon, who fell like a tree that had just been blasted with dynamite. Fortunately, Holmes was there to make the stop and prevent a big play.
On Barber's 3-yard TD run in the 3rd quarter, NY lined up with a power formation, with a TE and WB on the right. Barber ran the ball up LG for the TD. Unbelievably (or maybe not), the Giants -- knowing what a fearsome force they were facing in Jason Gildon -- had neither the TE nor the WB even lay a finger on Gildong. Nobody touched Gildon. Imagine a team facing the Stillers of yesteryear, trying that kind of ploy with Greg Lloyd or Chad Brown. Even if they didn't make the tackle, Lloyd or Brown would have made someone pay by knocking his head off.
On a 3rd & 3 at 3:45 of the 2nd qtr, Gildon was untouched and came rushing to the QB. Lil' Tiki Barber easily cut-blocked Gildon, who toppled head-first into the turf like a clumsy oaf.
The Giants blew the game open in the 3rd quarter, and it was no coincidence that in this quarter, Gildon played as feeble and soft as a ballerina.
At 9:18, Dayne ran toward RT, and TE Howard Cross literally buried Gildon, by shoving him to the turf, and then jumping on top of The Dong and simply laying on him. Holmes saved Gildon's bacon again by making the stuff for a 1-yard loss.
On the very next play, Gildon pass-rushed, and was solo blocked by Cross. Gildon tried the WLR (wide loop rush), and Cross simply shove the stumbling, bumbling Gildong face-first into the grass. Collins easily drifted from this little scrum, and then hit Toomer for a big gainer.
Two plays later, on 2nd & 17, Collins dumped a short pass to Barber between the right hash and the middle of the field. Barber headed up the hashes, and faced 3 Stillers. Gildon was the outer-most Stiller, meaning he had 2 mates inside of him for help. Gildon was the first to take a stab at Barber, but Barber spun right out of this weak attempt, leaving Gildon grasping for air and flopping onto the ground like a wounded tuna. Scott forced Barber wide and OOB to prevent any further yardage, but this was a gradeschool, off-balance tackling attempt by a guy supposedly on the brink of a pro bowl selection.
But wait, there's more. On the next play, a 3rd & 9, Collins hit Barber on a shovel pass up RT. On this play, which was re-played by CBS, Gildon was totally UNTOUCHED, yet was seen meekly and aimlessly squatting down on all fours like a female dog squatting to take a crap. Barber should have been drilled & stopped for a 1-yard gain, but instead he runs right by the bumbling GilDong and gains 23 yards. Yeah, some pro bowler.
And there's more. On the very next play, Dayne ran wide right, and then cut it up. Gildon was solo blocked by the THIRD tight end, Dan Campbell, who bullied him wide. Gildon managed to finally step aside, and had a shot at popping Dayne, but instead once again flopped into a squat down on all fours, put his head down, and did dick. Dayne ran right by Gildon, but Holmes and Kirk made the stuff.
Late in the 3rd quarter, Big Jason finally made his first tackle of the day. Barber ran a bit wide of RT. Gildon managed to elude the blocker, and flopped down to all fours (what a surprise, eh?). On a stop in which Gildon never saw Barber or got his hands on him, Barber fell over Gildon and was down.
On the first play of the 4th quarter, on a 1st & goal from the 7, Dayne ran wide of RT. Gildon, although not even blocked or touched on the play, once again flopped down onto all fours and flailed & missed. Little Chad Scott, who weighs 50 pounds less than Big Jason, made the tackle of Big Dayne for no gain.
At 5:10 of the 4th, Barber ran a toss sweep to his right. Gildon, out in pass coverage, made a seat-of-the-pants grab of Barber for the solo stop on an 8-yard gain.
On a 2nd and goal run from the 5 late in the game, Barber ran wide of RT. Campbell initially popped Gildon at the snap, and then moved on. Then WR Ike Hilliard, who was hobbled coming into the game, knocked Gildon down to -- you guessed it -- all fours with a block.
For the record, GilDong finished with a whopping 2 solos, no assists, no sacks, and other than 2 plays in which he came in totally untouched, no hurries. Gildon didn't make even one single, solid play the entire game. Had Tim Lewis rolled out a 55-gallon drum, and filled it with Styrofoam, he could have gotten the same production. If anyone disputes any of this -- please, send me an email (email@example.com) and tell me the exact play (time, down, yard-marker, and what happened).
I think it's rather ironic the man known as The Dong spent the entire day on all fours, allowing others to abuse him. This apparently is the position Jason likes to be in during his free time, and it carried over into this game in which he resembled a downtrodden pumperboy begging for more from his boyfriend.
Pro Bowl? Ha! Puh-leeze. The only bowl Gildon belongs in is the toilet bowl, with yet another gack-laden effort. Jacke Lambert retired because he felt too embarrassed to collect a paycheck while playing injured. If Lambert could see the pansie-assed play of Jason GilDong -- and he might be in attendance next Saturday -- he'd literally vomit at the sight of such disgraceful linebacking. Thanks God there's only 2 more games left, because I myself don't think my stomach can handle having to prepare too many more of these GilDong Reports.
Season to date totals for Jason, in 14 games:
Earned Sacks: 5
Dong Sacks™: 5
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 3
The Still Mill