2001 Mock(ery) Draft
- Vlade "Saberhands" Crusade DE, 6�-6" 315# . University of the Apocalypse. Runs a 4.65 40. Born in Kiev, Ukraine. Has overcome an inexplicable birth trauma which left him with archaic martial cutlery in place of hands. Otherwise, reminds scouts of a young Reggie White. Stout at the point of attack and can shred double teams. Believes in Jesus and that opposing QB are the Spawn of Satan. Will attack on every down with neither remorse nor compunction.
- Brule "Stealth" Jacks OLB, 6�-4", 260#. Lakota State. Runs a 4.45 40. Full-blooded Native American, direct descendant of the Paiute holy man Wovoka whose vision of a wasichus-free prairie inspired the Sioux Ghost Dancers. Has the ability to make himself invisible to opposing OL; can effectively eliminate any opponent�s passing game. Will play standing up or with his hand on the ground. Was considered a high first round pick; stock fell when his coaches alleged that Jacks misused his power to skip practice.
- The Steelers have no 3rd round pick this year. With 11 in the past five years, they have selected three starters (Witman, Ward and Porter) and such giants of the gridiron as Conley, Wiggins, Conrad and Farris.
- Daimler Mack OG, 6�-4" 335#. Thresher A&M. Sudden rather than fast, runs a 5.45 40. Devastating drive blocker; last season, his pancake totals exceeded his hot cakes consumption. Impressive strength, has done bench reps from dawn through lunch. Fears the color purple but Steelers believe that, with color-skewing contact lenses, this man will be a fixture at ROG for years to come.
- McKinley Pike NT, 6�-2", 365#. Narcoleptic State. Cannot run 40 yards. As immovable as he is immobile; occupies up to a half dozen OL. A sleeper who could pay big dividends in the right system . Has difficulty getting off the field in passing situations.
- Delton Lockett DB/WR, 6�3", 217#. Janus Polytechnical. Exciting size/speed prospect who runs a legitimate 3.85 40. Can leap tall buildings in a single bound but rarely shows this on the field. Has great hands and anticipation but is easily confused. Played both sides of the ball at the college level but his future is at FS as he is as likely to bat down balls on offense as defense.
- Eldrick "Tiger" Woods QB, 6�-1" 175#. Stanford University. Slight of frame by NFL standards but is a proven winner who competed for a school which has sent many fine QB to the NFL. Can air it out; commonly delivers the ball over 300 yards. Has to show he can play football at this, or any, level.