The WoodenDong Report� (Game #4, @ Hou)
In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you The WoodenDong Report.
In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley�s paper statistics the past 2 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley.�
As longtime Stillers.com readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)��
Here in 2011, we'll take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the outrageous fraud that he truly is.�
In the game against the Texans, Big LaMarr had yet another weak-assed game.� Indeed, this game was the weakest he�s had in ages, and given the piles of shit that he has comipiled the past 2+ seasons, that�s saying something.� Big LaMarr lived up to his reputation as The Dogger with a listless, feeble, limp-dick performance.�� He dogged it the entire game, impacting nothing and doing nothing.�
Big LaMarr, The Paper Tiger himself, was credited with 4 solos and 1 assist.��� In reality, the stats were slop stops, and his impact was abysmal.��
The game started off abysmally for the Big $61M He-Man.� He played like a complete dildo-inhaling asshump on this drive, getting mauled and humiliated time and time again --
�- He took a totally shit angle, and then got mauled, on a 2d & 10 run up RT by Tate that went for 20 yards.� �Total pile of shit on this play.�
�- He played a screen pass weakly and meekly, again taking a shit angle and failing to shed the block.�� He ended up getting a finger-nip on the RBs ankle for a cheesy assist.��
�- On the next play, on a run up RG, Big LaMarr was totally UNBLOCKED.�� He got a cake-easy slop stop, albeit after a FIVE yard gain.�
�- On the next play, Big LaMarr was easily sealed off on a wide run, which gained 6 yards.� This play was brought back when HOU was flagged for holding Pola.�
�- On a reverse boot, Big LaMarr was totally fooled and bamboozled, making it an easy pitch n� catch from Shaub to Andre Johnson.�� This play gained a nice 13 yards, and would have gained more had Johnson� not injured a hamstring after a harmless cut and then simply fell to the ground in agony.��
�- at 4:43 2Q, Foster took a routine HO up RT.�� On this play, the Big $61M He-man was SOLO blocked by the TE, Casey.� SOLO blocked.�� This is a play, similar to Harrison savagely ripping Dallas Clark apart last week, where Big LaMarr should take Casey, chew him up and spit him out.�� Not The Dogger.��� LaMarr gets into a jousting match, and then feebly flails at Foster as Foster cruises by for a hefty 8-yard run.�� This is LOSING football, plain and simple.��
Things didn�t improve in the 2H.��
�- early in the 3Q, Foster grabbed a flare with Woodley nearby.�� The Big He-Man should have nailed Foster for a 1-yard loss, but instead whiffed miserably, and Gay had to apply the stop for a 1-yard loss.��� Very, very poor.��
�- in the 4Q, on the Foster TD run, Big LaMarr was totally UNBLOCKED and untouched on this stretch play to the LEFT.�� When Foster cut it back, LaMarr should have been there to blast the RB for a 2-yard gain.�� SHOULD.� Instead, The Dogger lived up to his moniker, by LOAFING after the ball was snapped and barely walking toward Foster.�� When Foster cut back, Big LaMarr -- the clumsy, hulking stiff that he is -- feebly flailed and whiffed at Foster.� Worse, WoodenDick�s ass-clumsy flailed took out Troy Pola from making the tackle, and Foster was off to the races.� A complete shit-eating play by a shit-eating LB.�
�- later in the 4Q, LaMarr was lightly backside cut by a SOLO TE.�� The RB stuttered as he went up LG, and then finally nosed ahead.�� Big LaMarr came over for an overly cheesy slop stop.��
�- Later, Foster ran up RT.�� Although far from great, LaMarr actually played this play acceptably.�� There was no cut-back room, and LaMarr got an assist.��
That was it from Big LaMarr.�
Big hits?� NONE.�� �Heavy QB pressure?��� NONE.���� Harassment ?�� NONE.�� Blown up plays?�� NONE.�� Meaningful impact?�� None.� The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.�
The Trib Review did a nice analysis on this dogging jouster 1 day ago.�� (Unlike the Jason GilDong era, it�s nice to see the local media actually take the time to see what a fraud this stiff is.)��� According to their film study, here�s the breakdown of what Woodley did:
25 times blocked by a tight end.
12 times by an offensive lineman.
8 times he dropped into coverage.
8 times he went unblocked.
1 time he was double-teamed.
In other words, opponents are gambling that they can economize by using a TE -- or NOBODY at all -- and they are getting away with it and laughing their assess off in the process.�
Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.�� Lesson learned -- ya can�t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.� Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself.�
Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 3 games:
Earned Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�: 1.5�
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing Whiffs: 3
First downs allowed:� 6
TDs allowed:� 1