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The WoodenDong Report (Game #8, @ NYG)

November 08, 2012 by Still Mill




The WoodenDong Report  (Game #8, @ NYG)

In the spirit of the famous GilDong Report, we now bring you the WoodenDong Report.

In light of many a fan (and GM Kevin Colbert as well) being bamboozled and ga-ga over LaMarr Woodley’s paper statistics the past 3 seasons, I've devoted considerable time to monitor the work of the exceptionally average LaMarr Woodley. 

As longtime readers may recall, Big Jason had been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues have incorporated this into their point systems for well over a decade.)  

Here in 2012, we'll again take time to expose The Dogger, LaMarr Woodley, for the fraud that he truly is. 

As is often usual with Big LaMarr, he had a nice -- although hardly spectacular-- game on paper.   He had 2 solos, including a sack, and no assists.   He had a couple of “pressures”.   His OLB mate, James Harrison, played nearly every snap versus NY and commanded plenty of attention.   LaMarr had plenty of chances against SOLO blocking to do something -- anything -- but instead mostly did nothing.   A review --

- at 3:58 1Q, Big LaMarr was assigned to JAM the slot WR and then provide the simple, piss-ant short-zone coverage that LaMarr is marginally capable of, as easy as it is.   LaMarr is lined up directly in front of Crux, but then pulls an Ole’ !!   Cruz dashes by while LaMarr jams air, and then ass-awkwardly spins and flops to the turf like a complete ass-pump.   He looked like a drunken stooge on this play.   Meanwhile, Cruz was WIDE open on the crosser for a 26-yard gain (the Giants’ longest gain of the day, by the way), no thanks to The Big He-Man for his piss-drinking jam attempt. 

- late in the 1H, Big LaMarr and Foote both lined up at LOLB, and both rushed the passer.   LaMarr looped wide while Foote blitzed toward the inside.  While RT Diehl let LaMarr go, the RB, Bradshaw, had no chance to pick up both rushers, so he only picked up Foote.  After the let-go, LaMarr was totally untouched and forced a hurried INC late in the 1st half.  Quick -- extend this man with at least $32M more !!

- on NY’s 1st play of the 3Q, Big LaMarr was easily walled off and shoved aside, allowing a gaping hole up RT for a 9-yard run.  This is shit football, but due to the nature of the sport, it does not show up in the stats and is quickly dismissed.   It shouldn’t be.  It’s a shit play by a shit LB who still has no clue on setting the edge as an NFL OLB. 

- at 3:09 3Q, NY ran a routine plunge up RT on 1 & G at the PIT 4.    LaMarr didn’t do much on the play, but he managed to team with Will Allen on the stop for an ASSIST (as can be seen in the NFL dot play by play), which ended up being recorded as a solo.

- Late in the 4Q, in an obvious passing situation, Big LaMarr was SOLO blocked (not blocked by the 3 or 4 blockers that the mythical legend claims) and beat Diehl on a WLR (wide loop rush), and nipped Manning’s arm to force a fumble that NY recovered. 

That was it.   This was it from The Titan of Tittyfight.   2 routine slop stops.  Big hits?  NONE.   Heavy QB pressure?   Very little, and mostly when he was UNBLOCKED.  Blown up plays?   NONE.   A paw in the face of the QB to disrupt the QB?   Only once.   Meaningful impact?   None.  The $61M Man spent the entire day titty-jousting and pad-groping and playing pussy paw-paw with opposing blockers.  He loafed and lollygagged the entire game.   

Sure enough, there were songs of praise and glory for Bit LaMarr, as though he wreaked havoc with an effort that dwarfed the greatest games of Lloyd, Ham, and Harrison....combined.    This one took the cake --

“The best pass rusher on the field was outside linebacker Lamarr Woodley, who had his way with Giants right tackle David Diehl. Woodley did his best work in the fourth quarter as he beat Diehl off the edge for two hurries before making one of the biggest plays of the game with 3:45 to go. With the Giants down four, and a national TV audience all but expecting more magic from Eli Manning, Woodley beat Diehl off the edge once again, this time knocking the ball from Manning’s hands to force a fumble. Though the Giants fell on the loose ball, it turned out to be their last offensive play of the day as Woodley put a damper on any late-game heroics.”

What a farce.   What complete hogwash.   LaMarr finally got an earned sack after having not done jack dick in WEEKS, and he’s praised as the 2nd coming of Lawrence Taylor.  

We here  at know better.  We’ve actually spent time watching and re-watching the game.    Apparently, this is all ya get for $61M.   Lesson learned -- ya can’t polish a turd, no matter how much money you might lavish him with.  Just ask Jason GilDong, the original Donger himself. 

Season to date totals for Big LaMarr, in 8 games:

Earned Sacks: 2

Dong Sacks™: 1

Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1

Flailing Whiffs: 2

First downs allowed:  4

TDs allowed:  1


(Still Mill and -- when it comes to the analysis of the Pittsburgh Stillers, no one else comes close….)

Follow Mill on Twitter, at StillMill1


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