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The GilDong Report (Game #11, vs. Minn.)

December 04, 2001 by Still Mill


The GilDong Report (Game #11, vs. Minn.)

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's 11 sacks in '98 --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I've devoted considerable time the past 2 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Gildon, as you may recall, hoodwinked enough voters in '00 to be voted in to a reserve spot in the Pro Bowl. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '01, I'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he truly is.

Jason Gildon picked up where he left off last week in Tennessee, with yet another yawner of a game in he did nothing, hit nothing, and contributed nothing.

Jason's first of two solos came at 5:15 of the 1Q. On a 2nd and 6, Bennett ran the ball up the gut, and plowed through a scrum. Jason peeled off his block, and moseyed over, and made the solo stop from the side of the stumbling Bennett.

Jason's 2nd and final solo of the day came at 0:22 of the 2Q. On a 2d & 12 on their own 28, Culpepper completed a short valve dump to backup RB Harrold Morrow. As Morrow was trying to elude an oncoming Holmes, Gildon came over and got Morrow from behind for the cake-easy solo.

Jason also had an assist. On the first play from scrimmage in the 3Q, Bennett eluded a penetrating Aaron Smith, and stuttered toward RT. Holmes came up and made the initial hit and grab, and Gildon chimed in to help as Benny was falling to the ground.

That's it, folks. Jason Gildon was on the field for every single one of the Vikings' 49 plays, and the aforementioned plays -- as insignificant as they were -- were all he did.

Of course, Jason had numerous chances to make more plays than that. As we will see below, The Dong flubbed and floundered throughout the day.

- On Minn's 2nd play from scrimmage, Bennett ran the ball up the gut. Jason slanted in on the play, and had Bennet right in his grasp, in the backfield, for a loss. But as is his nature, Gildon feebly allowed Bennett to bust right through the grab, leaving Jason lying on the ground like a dufus. Instead of a 1-yard loss, Benny gains 3. But remember, Jason really is a credible pro bowler.

- Four plays later, on a 3rd & 5 from their own 32, Culpepper completed a short valve dump to Bennett in the right flat. Jason peeled off his pash rush in solid fashion, and headed over to make the cake-easy stop of Little Bennett. But the simple things are never easy for those who use poor technique and detest hitting. Jason easily has Bennett dead to rights, but instead starts this typical, weak-assed flop-and-flail that he loves doing.


Jason had two hands on Benny, but in photo 4, Benny easily busts right through the weak arm-tackle, and continues on, leaving Jason in the dust in photo 5, humping the ground like a hungry crocodile during mating season.


Here's the back view of this gawd-awful play. Note the blue arrows in photos 1 and 2, which clearly show Jason's penchant for flopping down to a knee, instead of driving through the ballcarrier with a vengeance, which is exactly how I expect a starting LB to maul a much smaller man from the side on such a simple play like this.


Jason does this bullshit every week, and the results are almost always the same as photo 4, below. And note how Lil' DeShea Townsend -- a man who is 6 inches shorter and 75 pounds lighter than Big Jason Gildon -- has to corral a back that Jason was entirely incapable of doing.


- On a 2d & 10 from the Minn. 42, at 8:03 of the 2Q, the Vikes completed a short curl to Walsh for 5 yards. On this play, Big Jason was left totally untouched at the LOS, and had only Lil' Michael Bennett between himself and the QB. Bennett, mind you, is 5-9", 211; Big Jason is 6-3", 255. As you can see in photo 2, Culpepper -- just as McNair was doing last week -- is staring at the primary receiver located just behind Gildong. (See blue line.) So what does Gildon do in response? Instead of taking the most direct route available -- on the path of that blue line in photo 2 -- Jason deliberately tries to wide loop rush Lil' Benny.


The result, as shown in pics 3 & 4, is Jason getting cut down by Lil' Benny and then sent spinning like a pinwheel, while gimpy QB D. Culpepper is totally unfettered and unhindered. Look familiar ? Just look at last week's GilDong Report, in which the same thing happened against the Titans.


It's amazing how Jason is supposedly this fear-inducing, terrorizing sackmonger, yet each and every week we see teams perfectly content to allow skinny scatbacks to solo-block Gildong, and never once do those teams pay for this tactic. Not once. It's ironic, because later in this game, Myron Bell made an outstanding play to not only sniff the throwback screen to Bennett, but also snuff it for a 4-yard loss. After the game, Myron said "When he chipped blocked me, I knew something was wrong," Bell said. "I've never seen that play before, but after eight years in the league you come up with a sense of something different happening." The point here is that a benchwarmer and career journeyman like Bell has enough football instincts to smell a play and react accordingly, but Jason Gildong -- a starter in every game since the '96 season began -- has yet to ever show enough football sense to crash into the QB on these kind of plays, instead settling for getting meekly chopped down by a tailback. But hey, remember -- Jason GilDong is a credible pro bowler.

 - Then there's Bennett's long TD catch-and-run. Jason was actually in hot pursuit of Benny as Benny approached Myron Bell. But as you can clearly see from the photos below, once Jason sees Bennett eluding Bell, he eases off and loafs in a despicable manner.


By photo 3, below, Jason is nearly at the point of jogging, while Chad Scott is at least playing the role of a true professional by coming out of nowhere and sprinting like Jim Ryun in an attempt to catch Benny.


By photo 5, Jason is nowhere to be found, but Chad Scott continues to gallantly pursue like a true professional.

This is indicative of the gutless lack of heart and hustle that Jason plays with week in and week out. Jason always has more than enough energy to prance and dance like a damned jackass when a teammate makes a big hit, or when Jason flops onto a falling QB, but energy to chase down a man running for a TD ? Fuhgetaboutit. But hey, Jason GilDong is a credible pro bowler.

- Lastly, there was the Bouman TD pass to Carter late in the game, which was called back because the QB was well over the LOS. On this play, Jason did his Wide Loop Rush against tackle Chris Liwienski.  Jason starts to peel under the all-star Viking tackle in pic 2 ....


...but as you can see in pic 3, Jason ends up, as usual, on the ground. So he starts crawling like a clumsy toddler, doing absolutely nothing in the process.


In pic 5, Bouman has long departed the pocket, while Jason is left kneeling and playing punch-the-clown all by himself. This is what you get from a supposed "pro bowler" -- a clumsy simpleton crawling on the ground like a toddler while a QB is easily scooting away and is throwing to the end zone for an attempted game-winning score. But remember -- Jason GilDong is a credible pro bowler.

In summary, this was yet another softee, weak-assed effort from the vaunted Gildon. Big Jason, the supposed sackmonging behemoth, stood around most of the game and did nothing -- and I do mean nothing -- to help his team with this ballgame. Jason's weekly version of the flop-and-flail shows that he has mastered this imbecility to such a degree that it may be time for Jason to trademark "flop-and-flail" for some sort of marketing gimmick. Not only that, but Jason continues to play with such a gutless lack of heart and desire. And the total give-up on the long Bennett TD was absolutely shameful, and was an embarrassment to every player and fan of the Pittsburgh Stillers.

Season to date totals for Jason, in 11 games:

Earned Sacks: 2
Dong Sacks™: 5
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 2

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