This Just In�
(The ramblings of a Stiller-Crazy mind)
Well Stiller faithful, it seems that this "reporter" stumbled onto the "Scoop of the Century," Stiller-wise, yesterday afternoon. Having just watched Tommy Maddox get knocked into an unconscious lump on the turf in Tennessee, I began to fall into a deep depression. I watched, apprehensive, while the medical professionals strapped Tommy Gun onto the spinal board and then loaded him into the ambulance for the ride to the hospital. As the game resumed, I quickly chugged down a couple of Rolling Rocks and found my own consciousness fading away. I spiraled down into nothingness for what seemed like days, but must have only been a couple of minutes. When the inky black nothingness finally receded, I found myself on the field in Tennessee, standing on the sidelines. Except, it wasn�t me that was there. After a few frantic moments, I realized that I now inhabited the body of another human being. I had no control over the movements of this person. I could only watch and listen as this person patrolled the Stillers� sidelines, barking orders at various players and assistant coaches. It didn�t take long for me to realize that I inhabited the mind of none other than Coach Bill Cowher.
As you can imagine, such a realization came as quite a shock to me. The nature of that shock was twofold. The first being, of course, that I was having an out-of-body experience. Or, more precisely, an out-of-my-own-body-and-into-someone-else�s-body experience. The second part of the shock was the tremendous intelligence of the mind that I was now a prisoner within. Given my oft professed lack of faith and respect with regard to Coach Cowher�s ability as a teacher and a strategist, I fully expected, upon realizing where I was, to see that Cowher�s mind was as chaotic and dimly lit as a drug-crazed rave in a warehouse basement in Baltimore. And yet, nothing could have been further from the truth. I found his mind to be both serene and well ordered. I noted with the utmost surprise how well he understood not only the game of football, but life in general. I was amazed at his ability to merely glance at the field and know exactly where each player on both teams was and what he was doing. I was astonished at the speed and accuracy with which he could process information, such as when I watched his razor sharp mind calculate down and distance probabilities for several dozen plays in milliseconds, before finally deciding on the play to give Kordell. I came to understand that Bill Cowher is NOT a bumbling buffoon with barely enough sense to tie his own shoes, but rather, he is a master strategist with a plan for the Stillers so great, so bold, so innovative that it took all of my intellectual ability to even begin to comprehend it.
And now, lucky readers, I have the privilege of sharing this MASTER PLAN for winning the Super Bowl that was conceived by William Laird Cowher, who shall henceforth be known as Coach Genius. But first, before I do that, I must fill you all in on some important, and heretofore unknown, background information. You see, during those few short minutes that I had the great honor of experiencing the genius that is Coach Genius�s mind at work, I was also privy to his memories. And among these there stood out a profound moment of revelation that occurred to him this off-season. It seems that in a funk of depression following the loss to the Patriots in the AFC Championship game (not unlike the depression that I felt upon seeing Maddox go down) Cowher sought out the help of the wisest of all coaches to have ever walked the earth. Bill undertook a great pilgrimage to the highest mountains in Nepal, where he met with a Buddhist monk called Maharishi Rockne. Together they fasted and prayed for 40 hours and 40 minutes, until they finally succeeded in summoning the spirit of the great one himself, the Dalai Lombardi. The Dalai looked upon Bill and found him to be so profoundly humbled and penitent for his past deeds, his repeated exercises in both futility and stupidity, that he took pity on the poor man and bestowed upon him the twin gifts of football wisdom and strategy. And then he was gone. And in Cowher�s mind gone was the fuzzy thinking and poor logic that had plagued him (and us, the fans) o these many years. Gone were the arrogance, the insolence and the ignorance. And in the place of these, there was insight, wisdom and the beginnings of a great plan.
As the great plan became known to me, I found my consciousness again begin to fade into nothingness. But just before the last tenuous link between my mind and his dissolved, I saw/heard/felt/understood the Coach Genius had known of my presence all along. And he said/thought to me these words, which I will never forget: "Because of your great and undying love for this team, and your profound loss of faith in both me and them, I have allowed you this glimpse of my plan, that you may look into the void of the playoffs and not despair. You may share what I have shown you with the Stiller faithful, so that they too may have hope. But," and at this point his mind winked at me (don�t ask me how, I can�t explain it, I just know that he winked) as he continued, "Tell them to keep it a secret, Ok?"
And with that, I was again aware of nothing and no one. Some time that seemed like days but was probably only minutes later, I was back in my own body and my wife was telling me to "Snap out of it already! Game�s over, let�s go home." And so we did. And now it is my great privilege and honor of revealing to you all The Great Plan:
-Coach Genius realized in that cave high in the mountains of Nepal that one of the primary reasons for the great success that the Stillers enjoyed last season was that they snuck up on most teams. Few of our opponents in that campaign were even remotely prepared for the onslaught of Kendrell Bell�s wrecking crew linebacking, for the blossoming of Plaxico Burress� receiving talent, for the reckless, balls-to-wall playing of Hines Ward or the total dominance of our running game. It had to be experienced first hand to be understood.
-Later, CG (Coach Genius) saw how well the team was improving itself in the off-season. The additions of Randle El and Terrence Mathis to the receiving corps, the signings of backup QBs Tommy Maddox (yes, even then CG KNEW what he would be capable of) and Charlie Batch, the retaining of the services of defensive captain Jason Gildon (yes, it turns out that Phantom was right after all � see http://www.stillers.com/article_show.asp?ID=771 for details), and the jettisoning of selfish inconsistent players like Kris Brown, Troy Edwards and Earl Holmes, all these things were going to put CG over the top and into NFL history once and for all. And CG knew it.
-But, there was a problem. Everyone else in the NFL could also see how much improved the Stillers, just a few months removed from a 13-3 season, were. There would be no sneaking up on anyone this season. Every team on our schedule, and even those who thought they might have a chance to face us in the playoffs, would be preparing that much harder, would be overhauling their entire rosters with the sole intention of beating the Stillers. And while CG knew he had the talent to defeat them all, he also knew, with the wisdom gained that fateful day in the mountains, that in the NFL, nothing is guaranteed. And so, as he went about preparing a team that had the potential to become the first ever team to go undefeated in a 16 game schedule, en route to a 19-0 record and a place in the Hallowed Halls of Canton, he could be heard mumbling to himself "On any given Sunday�"
Something had to be done. The expectations of everyone were way too high. The fans, the media, the players and coaches, they all expected the Stillers to steamroll through the regular season and annihilate the competition in the playoffs. There was just too much confidence. It was bordering on arrogance. And he had learned that his own arrogance was greatly to blame for his previous failings. And so he decided to do something about it. He decided to lower everyone�s expectations. He would forego his place in history as the coach of possibly the greatest team ever, the first 19-0 team in NFL history, for the good of the team. He would humble himself before the football gods and they would reward him with a championship.
His plan is simplicity itself. He would allow the team to lose some games, maybe even take a tie or two. They would seem scattershot and distracted for long periods of time. They would allow beaten teams back into games. The #1 defense in the league would look like a badly coached high school team much of the time, particularly on third and long. He would instruct his kicker to miss easy field goals, making everyone think he had Kris Brown Jr. on the field. He would instruct his champion, Jason (as in Jason and the Argonauts � the name is no coincidence) Gildon to play like a stoned clubfoot. He would even bench his Pro-Bowl quarterback (ostensibly for throwing too many interceptions, which of course he ordered him to throw) for a "never-has-been retread" from the XFL. The team would appear to limp into the playoffs by barely scratching out a division title in the weakest division in the league.
By this time, no one will fear the Stillers.
And that will be their undoing.
All hail the Great Plan, by the Master Strategist, Bill "Coach Genius" Cowher!
Ssshhhh!