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The Gildong Report - Dec. 30

December 30, 1999 by Still Mill


The Gildong Report

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildongļæ½s 11 sacks last season --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I'm devoting some time this season to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL has designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.)

As I alluded to several weeks ago, the Gildong Report is getting easier and easier to write. It's gotten to the point, that if I really wanted to skimp on my labor, I could pull up last week's report --- change a couple small items --- and voila, it's done. This is because Gildon's play has never varied any more from lousy to shabby to sub par to putrid.

The Carolina game was more of the same. In a game in which the Panthers ran 56 plays, Gildon -- "A QBs worst nightmare" according to then TR poster in that day's paper -- recorded 1 meager tackle, 0 assists, 0 sacks, and 0 QB pressures.

Some of the nauseous stench emanating from Gildong's wretched play included the following:

- On a 2d & 1 at 9:35 of the 1st Q, Walls went in motion right, then attacked Gildon and literally buried him. I mean, he shoved Gildon face-first into the turf like an 8th grade bully picking on the meek 4th grader. Lane ran up right tackle and easily got 2 yards.

- on the Lane goal-line fumble play, Walls faked like he was going to block Gildong, who was in a 3-point stance. However, Walls then slipped by Gildon and went over and blocked Flowers. While this occurred, Gildon -- faked BADLY out of his jock -- was literally down on all 4's (having braced for the faking Walls) on the turf like a hapless puppy. NO ONE was assigned by Carolina to block Gildon on this play (Walls never made any contact with him). It's pretty sad when an offense, on a play designed to go up their right guard, chooses to NOT block the "fearsome" OLB who is lined up tightly in a 3-point stance, and instead chooses to block a SS 3 yards off the ball. Then, on Davis' fumble return, Gildon was helping to lead the convoy, but then clumsily barley got a love tap on a Panther who was stumbling way behind the play.

- on a 1st & 10 at 3:20 of the 1st Q, Walls pushed Gildon 3 yards off the ball and waaaay outside. Lane easily cruised thru this canyon-sized hole. Gildon then had a good chance to stop Lane for a 6-yard gain, but flailed haplessly at Lane's feet and whiffed, allowing Lane a nice 11-yard gain.

- 2 plays later, Lane ran a sweep right. Floyd EASILY chopped down the oafish Gildon, who did an utterly piss-poor job of ever trying to seal the outside on this play. While Gildong lay face-down on the turf, Lane rambled untouched around end for a 43-yard TD.

- At 0:53 2d Q, on 3d & 2, Carolina ran a little counter right, with the left guard pulling. The LG blasted the limp-wristed Gildon and the RB easily jogged by for a 6-yard gainer.

- at 0:19 of the 2d Q, Gildon rushed the passer, but was literally flattened and shoved to the turf by the RT, ROOKIE Chirs Terry.

- at 11:47 3d Q, the QB dumped off to Lane in the right flat. Gildon was juked and barely held on to Lane's shoestrings, and Lane continued to lunge and twist. Either thru a slip, or from seeing Kirkland bearing in on him, Lane finally fell forward to the ground. This was Gildon'g first and ONLY tackle of the day. Some web sites had stats that credited Gildon with 2 solos; others had only 1 solo for him.

I scoured every play on tape, and I can assure you that there were no other plays anywhere close for Gildon to even merit an assist. The team would have gotten just as good of production from the LOLB spot if it had employed a surfboard in place of Gildon. Pass pressure? Nada. Gildon never got within the same zip code at Beurlein. Gildon didn't get close enough to Beurlein to hit him with a 30-foot section of PVC pipe. Gildon's play versus Carolina was as stenchy of a stinkathon as I have EVER witnessed in pro football. Imagine a hot vat full of boiling urine, donkey dung, rotten onions, and tequila-induced vomit. Imagine the stench emanating from that vat. Now, multiply it by a factor of 17, and that pretty much sums up the outright stink Jason Gildon spread in the winter air of 3 Rivers Stadium last Sunday.

Not to be outdone in spreading gassy malodorous stink-clouds, was the other Pitter Pat Brother, Carla Emmons.

It's become somewhat trendy to claim that "Emmons has shown some flashes and maybe he's now turned the corner."

If the Carolina game -- and at least 13 other games this season -- is any indication, Carla Emmons has shown flashes, alright. Flashes of soft, inept linebacking that would be deemed unacceptable at the middle school level. Sure, he's turned the corner --- from a mediocre who maybe had potential, to a subpar player who has proven he has NO potential. Some examples:

- on a 1st & 10 at 13:05 4th Q, The Enema was pushed waaay outside on a run up left tackle, allowing the runner a massive hole for an easy 7-yard pickup.

- at 11:35 of the 4th Q, on a 2d and 2, Lane was quickly harassed by a blitzing Holmes, who forced him wide to his left. Kirkland then shot in and forced Lane even wider. By now, Lane was more strung out than Keith Richards at a party held in Columbia. Carla Emmons then approached Lane, who was about 5 inches from the sideline, and Carla shoved him outa bounds. This sterling play by The Enema constitutes his ONE and ONLY tackle of the entire game. Emmons did NOTHING the rest of the game. Like Gildon, he could have been replaced by a brass tuba and it would have made no difference whatsoever.

Oh, I almost forgot -- Gildon will be credited for 1 pass defensed. Beurlein threw a terrible throw behind Walls on a seam route. Gildon was clearly beaten on the play, but the errant pass hit him in the back of the helmet. Gildon had absolutely NO idea where the ball was and was simply flailing and flopping trying to cover Walls, but a poor throw bought him a pass defensed.

All in all, just another day at the office from the Pitter Pat Brothers, Jason Gildong & Carla Enema.

Season to date totals for Jason, in 13 games:

Earned Sacks: 3
Dong Sacks™: 5.5
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1

The Still Mill 

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