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The GilDong Report (AFC Title Game, vs. Pats.)

January 30, 2002 by Still Mill

                 

The GilDong Report (AFC Championship, vs. New England)

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's 11 sacks in '98 --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I've devoted considerable time the past 2 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Gildon, as you may recall, hoodwinked enough voters in '00 to be voted in to a reserve spot in the Pro Bowl, and repeated that feat in �01. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason GilDong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '01, I'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he truly is.

On paper, Gildon, the vaunted "Pro Bowl LB", had a "monster game", as some have claimed.   To be sure, Jason had a few solid plays.  However, as we will see, The Paper Tiger also had numerous plays in which he was soft, clumsy, lethargic, or a combination thereof.   And, as we shall see, Jason's gaudy numbers (for him, at least) of 5 solos and 3 assists, were once again inflated by home-town scoring that generously lavished Jason with  some padded stats, plus plenty of cheesiness on plays where Jason did very little.   In fact, if you review the play-by-play from NFL.com, you see that Jason actually had 3 solos and 5 assists, not the 5 solos and 3 assists that the summary stats credit him with.  

- Jason did nothing of worth or interest in the first quarter.  

- On 2d & 7 at 12:49 of the 2Q, Antwain Smith ran a toss sweep to the Pats' left.   Jason was barely glanced by a roll block, and then ambled over and got a cheesy assist.  

- 2 plays later, on a 1st & 10 on the NE 47, Jason did the WLR (Wide Loop Rush) against FB Marc Edwards.   Edwards doesn't have much problem with Big Jason.   Upon going around the horm of Africa, Jason was able to peel around Edwards, as you can see in photo 2, below.

      

In photo 3, Brady has long released the pass, yet The Flopper is flopping at Brady's knees and ankles with no purpose.  In photo 4, Jason rolls up on Brady's ankle in a malicious cheap shot, which is where Brady initially injured his ankle. 

   

I have no problem with players knocking the tar out of a QB who is in bounds and holding a football.  I also don't mind it when defenders are vaulting mid-air at the QBs mid-section, and at the last second the QB releases the pass before getting the brunt of the hit.   But what The Flopper did on this play makes me sick.   GilDong isn't even trying to tackle Brady; instead, he's doing this silly-assed flop at Brady's legs.   The proof in the pudding is Jason's hands, which are clearly not anywhere close to wrapping or grabbing at Brady.  

- 2 plays later, on a 3rd & 15 from the NE 42, Brady threw the pass to Troy Brown, with Big Jason in coverage.    This was not terrible coverage, per se, but�.

    

�as you can see in photo 3, the pass is behind Brown, who literally has to come to a complete stop and wait for the ball to arrive.    (This was the play that was challenged by the Stillers, and upheld.)

   

I wanted to show this play, just in case there were any dongers from the GilDong Fan Club that would try to claim what "great coverage" Jason had on this play.   Jason comes close to breaking the play up, but only because Brady failed to lead his receiver with any amount of adequacy.   The back view of this play, below, clearly shows Troy Brown coming to a screeching halt (see gold arrows) and waiting on the ball, which then gives the appearance that Jason had "tight coverage". 

   

- On a 2nd & 10 on the NE 22, at 8:45 of the 2Q, Brady hit Brown with a short curl.  In photo 1, below, Brown has eluded Lee Flowers, while Big Jason (gold arrow) pursues from the side.  

      

In photo 3, Jason had Brown dead to rights, but does his patented flop-and-flail, flopping to the ground and flailing like a windmill.   In photo 4, while Jason lies on the ground with his dick in the dirt, Brown continues to gain yardage�

   

In photo 5, Jason assumes his favorite position -- squatted down on all fours -- before finally getting up and watching his teammates make the tackle.  Jason's "pro bowl" technique allows Brown to gain an extra 6 yards.   

   

Because Jason is such a terrific tackler -- after all, he's going to the Pro Bowl, you know -- it's worthwhile to review this play from the ground angle.   As you can see in the first photo, below, Jason has a very easy angle & play in which to tackle Brown, who is slowing up and veering right due to the presence of #27 Brent Alex.   In the 2nd photo, Jason is millimeters from Brown and is all ready to wrap up the diminutive 193-pound receiver.  

   

But sure as shit, The Flopper, Jason GilDong, flops to the ground, grasping at nothing but air.  In the 4th photo, Jason takes an all-too-familiar position -- feebly flopping onto the ground, empty-handed and flailing like a toddler awaiting a badly needed diaper change.     Yes, this really is what I would call "pro bowl linebacking".    

   

- 2 plays later, on a 2nd & 3 on the NE 49, Smith ran the ball toward the right.   Big Jason is meekly engaged by FB Marc Edwards�.

   

�and in photo 3 and Jason is able to slip aside from Eddie.   In photo 4, The Dong -- supposedly an all-pro LB -- has Smith (blue arrow) easily corralled for no gain.

   

But sure enough, Jason flops and flails (see gold arrow, below), and Smith (Blue arrow) easily saunters by for a critical 4-yard gain. 

Because this is such sterling linebacking from the big-time pro bowler, it's worthwhile to review the back-view of this play.  In photo 1, Jason is untouched and unblocked at the snap of the ball.   Edwards comes over in photo 2�..

   

�and in photo 3, Jason sidesteps Eddie.   At this point of the instant replay, Phil Simms could be heard saying, "And just look at Jason Gildon.  He takes on Edwards with his outside shoulder�.."

   

�..(stammering and stuttering from Simms)�."and then Smith breaks the tackle and runs ahead for a gain of 4."   Yes, yer damn right Smith broke the tackle!!   Just look at The Gilded Dong in photos 5 and 6�.flopping and flailing !!   

   

As Smith lumbers ahead for a first down, Jason is left with his dick in the dirt, doing the "groundhog hole-hump"

Rather than forcing a 3rd & 3, Jason gives up an easy first down to the Pats, all because of pussy football at the point of attack and tackling technique that is worse than Josh Miller's.   

- On the next play, on a 1st & 10 on the Pit 47, Brady hit Edwards with a short dump-put in the right flat, near the sideline.   Jason was back in short coverage, and had a cake-easy assist, with lots of help from Fiala & Flowers.   

- 3 plays later, on a 1st & 10 from the Pit 36, the Pats ran a play-action and then fake-reverse that took about 6 seconds to develop.  Jason was left alone against backup TE Rod Rutledge, and was doing his customary WLR. 

   

Jason got around Rutledge, and came in to swoop on Brady, who is only slightly less clumsy and slow as Elvis Grbac.   As you can see in photo 4 below, Jason has Brady dead to rights�

   

�but once again Jason uses no technique and no footwork, and the result is the stone-footed Brady eluding Big Jason.

   

Big Jason dove, and got his customary shoe-string sack, just as Joey Porter was coming in for the kill.   

   

This was an adequate play by Big Jason, but don't make it out for more than what it was.  Jason was left alone with a backup TE on a poorly devised trick play that took eons to develop, and with a perfect chance to level the QB, Jason flops and flails, and luckily got a shoestring Dong sack.  

- 2 plays later, on a 3rd & 14, the Pats tried a WR screen to their right.    Jason, as always, was doing his WLR��

   

� and was able to keep afoot against a cut-block that had no chance against the Wide Loop Rush, because the WLR is too wide for an OT to get over and cut.    Jason then jumped up, and the pass hit him in the chest and fell harmlessly to the ground.    

   

Jason did nothing wrong on the play; rather, I show this play, just for the Dongers from the GilDong Fan Club, who may point to this play as some sort of heroic, all-star play, which it clearly was not.   Aside from the reverse that moved with sun-dial speed, this was the shoddiest playcall of an otherwise shrewd day by the Pats' staff, because the path from the QB to the WR (#86, Patten) is directly in line where Jason always does the WLR.  

- On a 2nd & 8 at the NE 32, at 2:04 of the 2Q, Brady threw a slant pass to his WR.   Jason (gold arrow, below) had dropped back in zone coverage, and managed to stick a paw out and deflect the pass.   I show this play, to again quell any poppycock that this was some kind of "great coverage" or "great play" by The Paper Tiger.   Jason was dropped into a simply zone, and the Pats threw a slant right behind him.  On top of that, as you can see in the blue circle below, it's not like Jason stopped a 56-yard gainer.   The coverage is picture-perfect, and it's highly unlikely that the Pats receiver (Wiggins) would have made the catch anyway.     

   

- 2 plays later, on Bledsoe's first play at QB, Jason stunts to the inside�.  

   

�.he is easily picked up, and then mauled and manhandled (gold arrow, below), while Bledsoe is easily completing a 15-yard pass.  

   

- On the very next play, Bledsoe faded back to pass.   Jason does the WLR waaaay around the horn of Africa�.

   

�leaving Bledsoe with an opening roughly the size of Rhode Island.    Bledsoe, who is slow afoot, easily stumbles away for a 4-yard gain, while Jason helplessly looks on. 

   

- 2 plays later, on a 1st & 10 from the Pit. 11, the Stillers decide to put their athletic golden-boy pro bowl LB on WR David Patten.    Jason (gold arrow) goes with Patten�.

   

� but with nary a move inside, Patten breaks to the outside, while the duck-footed GilDong awkwardly stumbles after him.    In photo 4, Jason still isn't in terrible position -- he has gotten in-step and is looking back at the ball.  

   

But like the sorry, gutless quitter that he is, Jason simply gives up in photo 5, below.   Jason puts his head down and stops looking for the ball�..

   

�and makes no attempt whatsoever to break up the catch by Patten.   

Here's the back-angle view of this play.   Patten is attempting to make a catch not dissimilar from the one made by Hines Ward, which was challenged by replay and ultimately ruled incomplete because the ball jostled around his chest as he was bringing it in and landing on his tailbone.  

   

And all the while, exactly what is The Paper Tiger doing�..?   Absolutely nothing.   It's bad enough Jason got toasted on this play.   But it fully appears that Jason is actually trying to signal "incomplete" by horizontally crossing his arms and hands.    Jason was more than close enough to dive at the pass -- if for nothing more than to disrupt Patten's vision -- or Jason could have dove into Patten once the ball arrived, in hope of jarring the ball lose.  Sickeningly enough, Jason did neither.   He stood there, with one hand up his anus and the other with a vice-like grip on his pecker.   IN fact, the ref with the best view of the play (red arrow, below) has yet to signal a TD.  

   

And as we see below, Patten -- just like Ward -- had trouble fully grasping the football on this catch.    This replay wasn't shown to this extent until the CBS halftime show, and as you can see below, the ball slithers out in photo 6 and rolls to the ground, but Patten adroitly grasped back onto the ball as he rolled over it.   

   

One last angle (below) shows Jason giving up on this play, even though he was close enough to at least do something.    

   

   

There's an old adage:  "When in doubt, do something."   In this case, Jason did nothing, as you can see in the photo below.    At 6-3", Jason is tall and athletic (supposedly) enough to be diving at Patten in the picture below, but instead Jason stands there with thumb up anal crevice.  

This play made me absolutely sick every time I reviewed it on tape, and it should make every true Stiller fan sick, too. 

- On 2d & 10 on the Pit 35, at 13:55 of the 3Q, Bledsoe faded back to pass.  (See photo 1, below)   Jason has coverage on Patten.  In photo 2, Patten hauls in the pass, while the nearby Jason comes over to make the cake-easy stop.  

   

in photo 3, Jason is floundering out of control, leading to a flop�.

   

�and then flail in photo 5.    While the rest of the defense has to corral Patten in photo 6, Jason is once again -- for the fifth time in the ballgame -- lying with his dick in the dirt, doing his imitation of the humping caterpillar.   

   

- The next play, the Pats went to pass the ball.    Note below that, despite lining up a RB near Jason's side, the back did not touch or chip-block on Jason -- a trend that occurred the entire game, as the Pats never once put two men on The Gilded Dong.    Jason does his WLR�.

   

� while Bledsoe sits and waits and sits and waits�..

   

Jason finally comes around the horn of Africa, and hits the QBs arm has he releases the pass.   

   

This was a solid play, but keep it in perspective.   To a fault, Bledsoe has long been known as a QB who holds onto the ball too long, in conjunction with no "feel" of pressure.   In fact, no less than Mike Vrabel made a similar strip of Bledsoe the past time these foes met in the playoffs, in Jan. 1998.    And RT Greg Robinson-Randall, just as I noted in my pregame analysis, is a weak, pitiful offensive tackle who has no business starting in the NFL.  

- On a 1st & 10 at the NE 34, at 5:11 of the 3Q, the Pats plunged the ball up the gut.   Big Jason (gold arrow, below) was, as usual, untouched and unblocked on the play.  In fact, note that every member of the Stiller front 7 is engaged by a blocker, except "the only pro bowl player on our defense".   

   

Jason tip-toed over to the stack, and leaned in (below), and this earned Jason one of his 5 assists.  

- 2 plays later, on a 3d & 12, Jason (gold arrow) stunted to the inside on a pass play.  

    

In photo 3, Jason gets around LG Mike Compton, who failed to get more than a fingertip on Jason.    In photo 4, Jason and Rodney Bailey (blue arrow) converge on Bledsoe for the sack, yet Jason gets credit for the sack and Bailey gets nothing.  

   

From the on-field angle below , you can see Jason stunting to the inside�.

    \

In photo 3, Jason goes right past Compton (pink arrow), who does a total "olay" and whiffs miserably, a la Piss Conrad.   

   

As can be plainly seen, in the last photo Rod Bailey (blue arrows) clearly has Bledsoe wrapped up along with GilDong, yet The Paper Tiger got credit for the entire sack.   

   

Obviously, both men should have shared a half a Dong Sack (Bailey also came in untouched.)   Sure, GilDong got there a split second earlier, but as we have already seen numerous in this report, Jason's butterfingered, flop-and-flail tackling is about as sure-handed as that of the 1-armed paraplegic.  

- On the last play of the 3Q, Bledsoe fades back to pass.   The RT blocks down on Aaron Smith, which requires RG Joe Andruzzi to have to come over to pick up the all-pro OLB, something unheard of when real pro bowl LBs like Greg Lloyd and Kevin Green roamed the gridiron.   

   

Andruzzi rides Jason (gold arrow) so wide, that Jason has to stop by the Post Office to put in a new change of zip code form.    The result is Bledsoe (blue arrow) having an acre of unfettered vision, and Bledsoe easily completes a 13-yard pass to Troy Brown, whom you can see near the lower right-hand side of photo 4.  

   

- On the first play of the 4Q, Smith takes a handoff and runs toward right guard.  Meanwhile, Jason (gold arrow) is getting mauled and sealed to the inside by the TE, Wiggins�. 

   

�Smith sees the daylight in photo 3 and heads to the outside, while Jason continues to get bullied and bludgeoned.   

   

In photos 5 and 6, Jason (gold arrow) has his head in a familiar place -- between a man's legs.  Wiggins is clearly trying to disengage, but Jason won't let him.

   

Jason finally relents and removes his head from between Wiggins' legs, but the damage has been done.  While Joey Porter flies across from the other side of the field to make the solo stop of a 3-yard gain, Jason GilDong -- the big time, vaunted pro bowl LB -- is once again kneeling on the turf and playing the role of innocent bystander.     

- On the very next play, the Pats figured they'd go to the well again.   They ran Smith on a wide sweep, while�.

   

�Jason GilDong gets bullied wide by backup TE Rutledge in photo 3 and 4.  

   

Jason (gold arrow, below) nearly ends up on the Patriots bench, while Smith has an easy time and plenty of room to saunter ahead for a 6-yard gain.  

   

- On the next play, Jason (below) slanted inside Wiggins, and chipped in on an assist with Hampton.  Not hardly a great play, but at least it was the one respectable assist of the 5 that Jason was credited for.  

   

- On the next play, on an immensely critical 3rd & 3, GilDong (gold arrow, below) is left totally untouched and unblocked coming off the LOS.   In fact, the Pats actually double-team Aaron Smith. 

   

Jason and Lee Flowers come into the backfield, and Little Kevin Faulk has to make a decision -- take on the "all pro" LB, or the strong safety who hits like freight train.    The back makes the easy choice, and chop blocks the pussyfooting GilDong, who, in photo 4, topples over like dead timber.   Bledsoe throws the pass directly where Jason had been before he was easily chopped down, and the result was a killer fist down that enabled the Pats to kick a FG four plays later.  

    

Once again, Jason assumes his favorite position, kneeling on all fours like a downtrodden pumperboy.

- On the next play, the Pats gave the ball to Smith on a run to the right.   GilDong (gold arrow) is bypassed by a blocker in photo 2, and then is engaged by a different Pat blocker.   

   

In photos 3 and 4, as plain as day, there's the "all pro" linebacker turning his back to the line.   

   

Jason actually gets credit for an assist on this cowardly play; a play in which Jason turned his back to the blocker -- a clever ploy that we've all seen Gildong do several times before.   This gives new meaning to the word "linebacker", for in Jason's mind "linebacker" apparently means "to turn one's back to the line of scrimmage".  

- On a 2nd & 10 on the NE 9,  Bledsoe hit Edwards with another dump-out near the sideline.  Jason was back in zone coverage, and came up and made the cake-walk stop of the FB.  

- On a critical 3rd & 11 at 5:58 of the 4Q, Jason rushed while Bledsoe faded back to pass.    The Stillers, of course, desperately needed to stop the Pats here and get the ball back.

    

One, and only one, man, RT Robinson-Randall, blocks the vaunted pro bowler.   In photo 3, Jason is rushing upfield so fast, you'd think there were a fire burning in the Patriot end zone.   In photo 4, Jason has literally disappeared from the picture, as though some sinister bandits abducted him.  In the meantime, an unfettered, unpressured Bledsoe completes a huge pass to Brown for 18 yards.   Where did Jason go�.?  What happened to him�??       

   

Fresh from the Mystery Machine, here's the answer to the Mystery of the Missing Dong.    No, this isn't the case of  "If it wasn't for those meddling kids, we'd have gotten away with it." Rather, as you can see in the 2nd photo, below, Jason is looping waaaaay behind Drew Bledsoe�..

   

�.and in photo 3, you can clearly see Jason GilDong, the he-man, all-pro LB, doing a dick-dance a full EIGHT yards (24 feet) behind the QB.   

   

Here the Stillers are, behind by 7 points with less than 6 minutes left in the game, on a huge 3rd & 11, and their "only pro bowler" is mindlessly wandering 24 feet behind the QB.    I have yet to ever, in my entire football-watching life, see a defender do anything to stop a pass play while aimlessly and lazily lollygagging 24 feet behind a QB.    But hey, really, Big Jason had a "monster game".  

- Two plays later, Jason began his WLR against backup TE Rutledge.   Once again, as can plainly be seen, Jason is driven waaay upfield�..

   

�and ends up a full four yards behind the QB.   Luckily, Bledsoe's pass to Edwards was incomplete.   

- Finally, emerging from the 2-minute warning on a do-or-die 2 & 11 at the NE 49, the Pats gave the ball to Smith to their right.   Big surprise -- the Pats wanting to run to the right in crunch time at the Steelers only "pro bowl" defender.  Jason is lightly engaged off the snap of the ball�.

   

�.. and in photo 4, is in perfect position to make the stop of Smith, which would have forced a 3rd & 12 after a Stiller timeout at about 1:52.   

   

But instead, The Flopper, Jason GilDong (gold arrow, below), meekly waves at Smith and does nothing -- absolutely, jack-shit nothing -- to stop the balcarrier.   As you can see in photo 6, Smith has ambled by Jason in a crease about as wide as a Kleenex box, yet Jason does absolutely nothing to try impeding Smith's progress.  No diving, no grabbing, no nothing.    Smith rumbles for 19 yards, and the game was OVER.  Point, set, match.    Whatever chance the Stillers had of getting the ball one last time, was flushed down the shitter on a shit play by the only & only, Jason GilDong. 

   

And for those about to caterwaul with cries of "GilDong had to worry about outside contain", get your skull examined as soon as possible.  The last thing a veteran RB like Smith wants to do in that situation is to be forced out of bounds and thus stop the clock.  This was pussy football at its worst, and the culprit was none other than Jason GilDong, aka The Paper Tiger, aka The Flopper.    

So there you have it, folks.    On paper, The Paper Tiger looked to have a "strong game", with 5 solos and 3 assists.  In actuality, Jason had the inverse of that, recording just 3 solos and 5 assists, almost all of which were cheesy stack-jumps or cakey group tackles.   Of the 3 solos Jason had, 1 was on a dumpoff to the FB, and one was a Dong Sack that clearly should have been ruled a half sack to Jason and a half sack to Bailey.   The other solo came against a backup TE on a ill-conceived, whaleshit trick play, in which the best Jason could do was a shoestring stop.   Jason had a pass defended while in downfield zone coverage, on a slant pattern right behind him, and another when his Wide Loop Rush led him directly into the path of a WR screen pass, a pass that could have easily been INT'd but was not.   Jason had a decent play to bang the QB's arm while he was throwing, albeit against a weak 2nd-year right tackle that started all of 4 games as a rookie.    Amidst all of this, Jason not only got torched on the Pats' lone offensive TD, but he literally gave up on the play and moped and watched in a sickening manner while the WR made a tough catch in which he appeared to juggle the ball despite no harassment from GilDong whatsoever.     On top of that, Jason turned his back to a blocker; fell over like dead timber; got bullied, blasted, and sealed on running plays; and on at least 5 occasions, flopped, flailed, and missed miserably on what should have been easy, do-able tackles.    In crunch time in the fourth quarter, when the defense had to make a critical stop to get the ball back, Jason GilDong, the vaunted pro bowler, was nowhere to be found -- except 4, 6, even 8 yards behind the QB.    There's been a lot of poppycock spread around, claiming that Jason was "the only player who showed up on Sunday."    Aside from a very few decent plays, Jason flopped, fizzled, and quit, while his teammates scratched and clawed till the bitter end.   Monster game?   Ha!   Hardly.  Just another day at the office for the Gilded Dong�..all fluff and precious little substance. 

From the latest PG report on Gildon's impending free agency�.

"That's a question I have -- would I still be allowed to do the things I do?" Gildon said.  Because of space limitations, the PG left out the remainder of the interview, which, thanks to a helpful source, went as follows:   "Would I be able to get steamrolled on plays the way I do in Pittsburgh?  Would I still be allowed to stack-jump?  Would I be able to get blasted eight yards downfield?  Would I still get credited with phantom tackles and sacks that I didn't truly get?  These are all items my agent needs to find out before I even consider signing with another team.  After all, I've managed to milk my stats, and connive most everyone in this town that I'm a lot more than just a mediocre pansy.  It would be difficult to not be able to do that in another city, especially in a 4-3 defense, where I would actually have to provide run support.  I'm not sure at this stage of my career I really want to do that."

 

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