�A little more soap� a little to the left. Ah that�s the way!�
Random Rants by PalmerSucks
September 16, 2009
�By the way, he's also known for his blocking skills. (Goodbye Mr. Davis, we hope!) There's more to protecting the QB than just guards and tackles. Tank also explains a little more why the team said goodbye to Gary Russell.�
--PalmerSucks on Frank Summers, April 28 2009
Those of you who bothered to read my (spot on) Super Bowl calls will recall that there was one fly in the black-and-gold ointment afterwards � a certain message-board wet blanket who insisted on pointing out � like a schoolgirl tattling on the bad boy -- that commentator Greg Easterbrook had made a similar observation about the matchup a few days before my own article appeared.
To quote our tattletale: �Easterbrook and several others reached this conclusion as well...before �we go off ball-washing writers on this site.�
�Ball-washing�? You stay classy,
sweetie. And it isn�t me so much he�s ripping, it�s YOU dear reader, you who
had the guts to show�
me some love. Oh the nerve of you! How DARE you credit some
writer for a job well done!
Now then � if you�re gonna be big and bad enough to rip, then have the seeds to give props too, instead of staying silent as a Bengals fan after watching the other guy run those last 87 painful yards.
�Question for ya smart guy: did Easterbrook also call Summers (a fifth rounder hardly guaranteed to make the squad) correctly?� And not only that, but predict he�d make it with his blocking skills, at FULLBACK? A position he didn�t even play in college? Oh and just for the cherry on top, even tell you which player was going to get the axe in his place?
Another ballwasher on this site called me the best writer around � I�d humbly add to that, best analyst too. Look, any chump can tell you what happened after the fact � the gods are the ones who can tell you before it happens.
So this week we�ll dedicate this column to� me. Because faced with such dickery, it�s only fair I speak up for myself. And pardon me while I crow about these calls too:
--A lot of you are going bat-shit over this piece that appeared last week on Yahoo, and deservedly so
Clutch moments becoming old hat for Big Ben
A brutally physical NFL season opener between the defending Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers and Tennessee Titans was deadlocked and headed for overtime late Thursday night, and the quarterback�s statement carried an unspoken but obvious tagline: Get me my hat, because I�m about to take us down the field for the winning points, and I want to cover up my sweaty hair when I do that postgame interview with Andrea Kremer.
And what did the ballboy do?
�He got me my hat,� Roethlisberger said about half an hour later as he undressed at his locker, grinning like a schoolboy who�d just drained a game-winning jumper at the recess bell
Hmmm � QB so poised under pressure he�s thinking about headgear, not the other guys� blitz. Where have we heard this angle before?
--Calmly Reach for Helmet� In case you�re wondering about the �Calmly Reach for Helmet� title, grab a cold one and cue up your trusty game tape.� Go to the part right after Fitzgerald scores his last TD, where they cut to Ben Roeth on the sideline grabbing his helmet. Notice the look on his face � or actually, the lack of expression altogether. It�s as if he�s getting ready to come out for the opening drive of a pre-season game. If there�s one moment that most captures Super Bowl XLIII, this is it.
Note that date: Feb 09, 2009. Hmm. Maybe that writer was busy reading this site that day?
And while we�re on the Nostradamus subject, who else dared to:
--Tell you that Tony �Media Darling� Choke-o would gag it up for the Stiller game, while every clown on TV and the �net was bragging him up? �Tony Choke-o, the New Carson Palmer�
Pick of all players, Santonio Holmes, the MVP who was anything but at the time: �My candidate to step things up: Santonio Holmes, who�s been a bust considering the high expectations for his third year. Playoff games often are won by unlikely heroes, and right now Holmes seems as unlikely as it gets. It�s a new season � a chance to start over, and redeem yourself for the Giants� debacle you created.�
Predict correctly that
Joe Flacco, slobbered over by the media, would crash and burn when he met the
Stillers one more time: �That�s why I scratch
my head at all the
Of course there�s the �Roman
Empire/New England won�t win the Bowl even though everyone�s picking them to�
call� and the �I formation will spring Fast Willie against the Chargers� call�
And last but not least � who told you FIRST that Carson Palmer was an overrated
ball of spin, to the point of actually creating a freakin�
HANDLE to emphasize it? You know, back in the days when Madden was calling for
the Chokester to get fitted for his
Why, who even told you the deal about Bill Cowher, Pittsburgh Poser, YEARS before the Carolina Hurricanes hockey debacle crowed about on the very front page of this site? (�Bullshittin� Billy��)
I could go on but you get the picture. Now then, if you�re going to have the balls to accuse someone of lifting, you BETTER get back and give credit where it�s due. Because that doesn�t make you some expert � that just makes you a dick.
Show me one analyst, on any Stillers site � no make that ANY football site � no make that ANY sports site � no make that ANY medium, print or TV�whose track record has come close to this level of success. And remember, you get this all for FREE � and yet some of you have the nerve to come over here and rip? That�s just not couth.
No, maybe the problem isn�t that you all scrub my sack � maybe it�s that I don�t get it done enough.
OK, woodshed time over. Time for some real fun.
--What hurt about Troy Pola going out wasn�t so much his absence � but the atrocious REACTION the coaching staff had to it. By moving Ike Taylor to safety, the coaches showed essentially that they panicked. Any� manager knows you have contingency plans for worst-case scenarios. Except apparently the Stillers. No wonder the anemic Titans pass game moved at will to a late first-half TD. Notice that when Carter moved over to Pola�s slot, the flood stopped.
--I�m placing a bet with a Raiders fan I know: little third-round choice Mike Wallace outdoes big bad number-one Darrius Heyward-Bey. It�s a bet I wonder if Limas Sweed would take. As much as I�m rooting for Sweed, the fact is Wallace has done more in one game than Sweed has in his entire regular-season career. Is that bad? Depends on your viewpoint � I like to think of it as healthy competition that will light the fire under Sweed�s benchwarmers.
--For the record, those who know me will tell you I was talking up Stefan Logan last spring. Again, did Big E. call that one too?
--Bad news: how we had to sweat it out last Thursday. Good news: the Stillers may have played their toughest opponent on a schedule that makes last year�s a walk in the park.
A little point here: September isn�t for looking pretty, it�s for banking enough wins to not eliminate yourself by Halloween. Anything less than two wins for the Stillers this month is a disaster. A win on the road with a struggling Cutler (overrated in my book to begin with) and you�re set up nicely for September.
--Call me crazy, but I doubt the Bengals have that same blackout problem in a couple weeks.
--Speaking of stadium takeovers, what�s your over/under for the Bears� game? That would be in Stiller fans attending of course.
-- I couldn�t have been
happier than to see
--Contrary to popular belief, you can win a championship without a run game. Let�s recap a certain playoff series a few years ago:
Quarterback: Roethlisberger (2385 passing yards, 17 TD, 9 INT) had an outstanding regular season, posting a 98.6 passer rating and generally displaying the presence that led him to be named 2004 NFL Rookie of the Year, but reserved his best play for the postseason. "Big Ben" is 49-of-72 passing (68.1 percent) for 680 yards with seven touchdowns and just one interception through three 2005 playoff games, for a lusty passer rating of 124.8. Running Backs: The Steelers running game has struggled somewhat during the playoffs, with both Willie Parker (1202 rushing yards, 18 receptions, 5 TD), and Jerome Bettis (368 rushing yards, 9 TD) averaging well under four yards per carry. Parker has just 132 yards on 47 carries (2.8 avg.) on the ground...
You can, of course, provided you have the franchise QB and defense to carry you. The modern game�s rules have all but made the run game obsolete � at least in the playoffs. Sure you want balance, and yes your chances of winning increase greatly, but if you have to� have to� you�d rather have the pass game first.
--Jeopardy Time �Stillers for $500� Answer: �Two teams in search of a
run game, one already has found their franchise QB.�� Question: �Why are the Stillers favored on
the road against a tough
Another reason to like the Stillers: they�ll be laying fresh new turf at Soldier Field just days before the game. Sorry Bears fans, with that kind of slop you�ll be enjoying no home field advantage.
I�ll stop here, although the self-love fest goes on. Besides, we all know what happened to the guy who coined this phrase, so� until next time, this is PalmerSucks. And this is what I say.
Pass the Axe, please.
(The views of Stillers.com are not necessarily those of PalmerSucks � but should be.)