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The GilDong Report (Game #13, @ Balt.)

December 19, 2001 by Still Mill

The GilDong Report (Game #13, @ Ravens)

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's 11 sacks in '98 --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I've devoted considerable time the past 2 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Gildon, as you may recall, hoodwinked enough voters in '00 to be voted in to a reserve spot in the Pro Bowl. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '01, I'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he truly is.

Jason Gildon had a tremendous game on Sunday nite� least for the first series. After that, as we will see in vivid, full color photos, Gildon shirked right back into the feeble, half-hearted play that has been the trademark of his soft, overrated career. In fact, there�s one play in particular that will soon become the flagship photo for the GilDong Report, so you don�t want to miss reading the entire version of this week�s edition.

Jason finished the game with the gaudy totals of one solo and one assist.

The Paper Tiger�s first solo came during the 1st series of the game. On 2d & 8 at the Pit 32, Grbac went back to pass. As you can plainly see in the photos, below, the feared, vaunted Gildon comes off the snap and is blocked by no one. Only RB Moe Williams is assigned to block Big Jason. In a rare fit of tenacity by The Gilded Dong, Jason actually blasts into Little Moe -- rather than the pussyfooting & looping we�ve seen from Jason on these exact same plays -- and then cuts inside of the off-balance Moe to get to Grbac and get the sack.



The committee gave Jason an earned sack on this play�but for the small contingent of GilDong fans out there, don�t thump chest too proudly. Let�s not forget that this sack came while Jason was blocked solely by a RB, not a real lineman. Let�s also not forget who this RB is. Moe Williams, were it not for the rash of injuries that the Ravens have had at RB, would be sitting in a small cubicle next to that of Kevin Gilbride, selling insurance and peddling encyclopedias. Prior to this game, Williams -- who gives up 45 pounds to Big Jason -- made a total of 2 starts in 5-plus NFL seasons.

Jason�s assist came at 8:23 of the 4Q, on a 2nd & 5 play. Terry Allen ran up RG. Jason was backed away from the line of scrimmage prior to the snap, and was untouched and unblocked. Jason moseyed over a step, and as Allen fought through the scrum and began to emerge, Jason meekly dove at his feet. Here�s little Terry Allen, and Jason has the perfect chance to blast him backwards and perhaps even strip the football�but instead Jason plays this like you see 190-pound DBs, diving at a RB�s feet. This is precisely the kind of pussy football that is the epitome of Jason GilDong.

- Jason did have some pressure on Grbac on the first series, on the play right after the sack. On a 3rd & 13 from the Pit 47, Grbac faded back to pass. And he faded, and faded. As you can see in photo 2, Grbac -- never one to be accused of having brains, competence, or ability -- takes a drop so deep that he may as well continued to the end zone to limber up his legs a bit. The blue line in photo 2 is actually not the actually line of scrimmage (LOS) -- the LOS was the 47. This means that Grbac, the idiot, took a 9-step drop that took him 11 yards behind the LOS. This is unheard of at any level of football, based purely on the geometry of protecting the pocket. Just as there�s a reason the place kicker kicks from 7 yards back, and the punter lines up 15 yards back, so, too, is there a rational reason why NOBODY takes a 9-step drop that puts him this far behind the LOS. Gildong doesn�t beat Vickers. Rather, Vickers rides him wide -- as he did all day -- and the bonehead at QB was so deep that he�s standing right in Gildon�s way. Where Grbac should have been, at deepest, was the 45 or 44. At any rate, the pass was disrupted when Jason hit Grbac, and the ball fell harmlessly incomplete. The "credit" for this play goes to Grbac -- not Gildon -- for it was the asininely deep drop that caused this disruption. No wonder Baltimore was the only team that wanted Elvis Grcock this past offseason.


And then, here�s what really gets my goat. After this play, GilDong has to dance and prance around like a complete jackass. Sure, a lot of players do this. Few look as stupid as The Gilded Dong. What�s he dancing to -- The Dong Song ?? And no one in the NFL dances more, after doing LESS, than Jason GilDong.


- Jason managed to cut inside Vickers on a 3d & 4 at 2:41 of the 2Q, on the Ravens� 2nd drive. But the unfettered Grbac easily got the pass off, good for 9 yards to Ismail for the first down.

- Later that drive, on a key 3d & 12, the Ravens ran a draw play to Ayanbadejo. Jason initially stunted to his right on this play, and got nowhere. Jason then saw the draw play (photo 2).


In photo 3, Jason has his first encounter of the game with All-World tackle Jonathan Ogden. Ogden, and Ogden only, gives The Paper Tiger a simple straight-arm at the 40-yard line, and starting in photo 4, you can see Big Jason start to catapult backwards as though he�d been hit with a shotgun blast.


By photo 5, Jason is falling backwards from the blast, while Ayanbadejo (blue arrow in photo 6) is running with the ball.


In photo 7, Jason continues his backwards stumble caused by the Ogden blast, and in photo 8 Jason has haplessly tumbled onto the ground.


After rolling backwards a couple times, Roadkill Gildon finally (see photo 9) comes to rest at the 32-yard line --- a full 8 (EIGHT) yards back from where Ogden initially blasted him.

Yes, that�s some pro bowl effort, folks. Jason gets the chance to feast on the likes of Moe Williams and Kipp Vickers all day, and the one time he meets a world-class blocker, Roadkill Gildon gets his ass tossed back 8 yards. I haven�t seen anything this ridiculous -- or this funny -- since the night I watched dwarf-tossing in Las Vegas a few years back.

- On the 2nd play of the 2Q, the Ravens faced a 1st & goal from the Steeler 2. Big Jason was lined up over the TE and the WB. In photo 2, Jason engages the WB, Todd Heap, who is the Ravens� third-string TE. Meanwhile. on the other side of the formation, Joey Porter (red arrow) faces two blockers -- Shannon Sharpe and LG Ed Mulitalo.


In photo 3 and then in 4, you can see that Jason (gold arrow) is already toast, getting shoved aside by Heap -- who is running a pattern while Jason is way off-balance and already well-behind.


In photo 5, as Grbac runs casually for an easy TD, we see a startling revelation -- TWO Stiller defenders, Flowers (blue arrow) and Gildon (gold arrow), are covering the ever-so-dangerous Todd Heap in the back of the EZ.


In photo 7, you can see that Chad Scott (blue arrow) is dutifully covering the only WR on the field, Travis Taylor.

Here�s the back-angle view of this play:


In photo 3, you see Jason getting whipped, and in photo 4, you see Jason stumbling off-balance. For the uninitiated, this is, when facing a 3rd string TE, what is known as piss poor technique.


In photo 6, you can see Gildon alongside Flowers, covering one man, Todd Heap.


We�ll never hear from Cowher on the real truth of this play, but here�s what makes the most sense -- Jason GilDong donged his dong, and screwed up royally. No way should Gildon have pursued Heap when Flowers was already in a perfect position to cover him, and Flowers had absolutely no one else to cover. The Ravens kept their future Hall of Fame TE in to help block Joey Porter and even if Sharpe had slipped out, DeWayne was over there with nobody else to cover. You never double-cover a backup TE like that on a play from the 2-yard line. Had GilDong not had his head up his ass, he could have come in totally unblocked and pressured Grbac into a throw-away, or an INT, or a sack. Instead, the sack o� shit GilDong blows his assignment and literally gives away a freebie TD. But hey, they don�t track "given-away TDs" in the NFL, but they do track sacks, so as long as Jason gets that one sack, it means he had a great game and is a great pro bowl player. And if you have Billy Beer cans from the 70�s, they�re worth 250 bucks apiece. I know so, because I saw a classified ad selling them at that price in the newspaper.

- At 1:30 of the 2Q, Grbac�s hand was nipped as he released a pass, causing the announcer to say, "Grbac�his hand may have been hit". I want to show a few pics of this play, just to alleviate anyone from erroneously thinking that Big Jason was the rusher who nipped the QB�s hand. As you can see in photo 1, Jason -- who is once again being SOLO blocked, not double teamed as some claim he was all game -- does his patented Wide Loop Rush (WLR) and is easily ridden wide by the totally unheralded Vickers. In fact, in photo 2, as Grbac cocks his arm to pass, Jason is a good 2 yards behind Grbac in an area generally knows as "no man�s land", because no player with any brains, and who is a man, has any business way back there in that area of futility and uselessness.


In photo 3, a lineman -- either Bailey or Hampton (see blue arrow)-- bulls his way to the QB, and clearly smacks Grbac�s passing hand as he tries to throw.

- Late in the 2Q, on a 3d & 10 from their own 42, Grbac faded back to pass. Jason was, as usual, solo-blocked.


As you can see, Vickers, despite the fact that he�s a shitbag, is doing an acceptable job. In photo 4, Grbac is unfettered, unpressured, and has loads of room to scootch to his left or make a throw to any part of the field.


But as we all know, Grbac sucks. In a "confrontation" of the Happy Footed Wonder against the Duck Footed Wonder, Grbac gets happy feet, and then runs away from what was a decently-protected pocket. To his credit, the stone-footed Grbac does, of course, easily break outside of the duckfooted GilDong�s containment, and in photo 6, is once again in a position of unfettered vision. But Grcock is a fool, and he forces a pass across the grain that is picked by Chad Scott.


I take the time to show this above-mentioned play, just to clarify in anyone�s mind that Grbac himself, not Gildon, forced this dumbassed INT. The mentally challenged fan might think that GilDong "forced the INT". That�s pure balderdash. Grbac should have never so hastily left the pocket in such a manner, as Gildon was no closer to sacking him than was the man on the moon. And once Grbac easily broke outside of The Dong�s containment, the ex-Pissagain Wolverine should have either kept the ball & run, or thrown the ball away, or thrown it to a man along sideline. Throwing it back against the grain was just a rottenly poor decision, and not something that Jason "forced". Grbac is moronic enough that he doesn�t need any help or "forcing" to commit these kind of hideous errors in mental judgment.

- On a 2nd & 10 from their own  22, at 3:38 of the 3Q, the Ravens ran a toss sweep to Moe Williams to their right. This is the PLAY of the YEAR thus far for the GilDong Report. Shannon Sharpe comes in motion and, at the snap, shoots out and starts his mauling of The Paper Tiger. (see photo 2.)


The mauling continues�..


In photo 5, Roadkill Gildon has retreated so far back that he�s now fully qualified to fight for the French Army. But, Jason is at least in a very good position to finally knock Williams (blue arrow) out of bounds or trip him up short of the first down (yellow line at the 32-yard line). But instead, as you can clearly see in Photo 6, Big Jason Gildon does this HOMOSEXUAL "o-lay", literally holding BOTH HANDS UP IN THE AIR like a point guard who�s shying from touching an opposing dribbler in order to avoid fouling out in the 4th quarter. JUST LOOK AT THAT PICTURE. It�s bad enough that Gildon got sealed in, and then bullied, on this sweep. But Gildon could save face, and he should be diving head-first at William�s knees, like a real NFL LB would do. Instead, he�s blatantly tip-toeing aside from Williams in an effort to AVOID contact. I want everybody -- fan or foe of Jason Gildong -- to look at this picture, and then tell me what this sorry, sack o� shit, no-good sunuvabitch is doing on this play.


As you can see in photo 7, Williams gets 12 yards and a key first down for the struggling Ravens. And what�s laughable, is in photo 8, where O-lay Gildon has the gaul to talk smack to the Raven bench after this sorry-assed "Let me hold my hands up in the air so that I don�t impede the runner" play.


- On 3d and 3 on their own 30 at 0:34 of the 3Q, Grbac faded back to pass. I show this play, just to show you what a correct DROP should look like, and why the WLR is so ineffective against a correctly-done drop. In photo 1, Grbac sets up shop 7 yards behind the LOS, which is perfectly acceptable. When Grbac feels the tiny bit of pressure from GilDong�s loop rush, he merely steps up a half-step and is easily out of harm�s way from the Gilded Dong, who once again gets ridden wide by Kipp Vickers.


- On a 1st & 10 on the Pit 45, at 2:27 of the 4Q, Gildon tried to WLR Vickers once again. Note that Gildon is SOLO blocked, not double-teamed in any way, shape, or form. As you can see in photo 2, Gildon is shoved well beyond where Grbac sets up 8 yards behind the LOS�


In photo 3, Gildon ends up face-first into the turf, while Grbac is totally unfettered and unhurried.

What�s especially hilarious is the fact that it�s Kipp Vickers that is doing this to the vaunted GilDong. WHO is Kipp Vickers? Big East aficionados may know. Lickers was an undrafted free agent from Univ. of Miami, who latched on to the Colts in 1993. In 5 seasons with the lowly Dolts, Lickers started all of 6 games. He then spent two years with the Deadskins, starting zero games, before moving on to Balt. and starting 2 games last year. This guy�s resume makes Tom Myslinski�s look good, yet he spent the entire day shoving Gildong wide of the QB, except for the time that the idiot Grbac set up 11 yards behind the LOS.

All in all, Jason had a nice first series�followed by 57 minutes of what can be accurately classified as pussy football. He totally blew an assignment and gave away a free TD to the Ravens. In embarrassing fashion, he got catapulted like roadkill on a 17-yard run. His only solo of the game came on a sack in which he came in totally untouched and beat a 4th string running back who gave away 45 pounds.

And let there be no doubt --- except in very, very rare occurrences with the slight help of a RB, there was no double-teaming of GilDong in this game. Any bullshit you may have heard about GildDong drawing double-teams and "disrupting the Raven offense" is just that -- bullshit. I watched the tape, and the ultimate proof is on the tape, not on what some imbecile may have said after the game. I challenge anyone to disprove it. Time and time and time and time again, GilDong was left ALL ALONE against Vickers, or, at times, all alone with a RB. And lest there be any caterwauling about GilDong being tasked to provide pass coverage, here�s the breakdown of Gildon and Porter:

- Plays rushing passer (includes draw play and a play that was penalized and "done over"; does not include spike): Gildon 28, Porter 22

- Plays back in coverage (includes draw play and a play that was penalized and "done over"; does not include spike): Gildon 12, Porter 18.

Fans wonder why Porter isn�t getting to the QB. For starters, he�s back in coverage much more than GilDong. Moreover, he�s facing all-world tackle Jon Ogden, who has peers only in Orlando Pace and a healthy Tony Boselli. While Porter was grappling with all-world Ogden, Gildon had the luxury of facing Kipp Lickers. Ogden is to Vickers as Wayne Gandy is to Chris Conrad. And, lest you forget, Porter and fellow LB Earl Holmes have regularly been showing up on the injury report for the past few games, while the contact-avoiding GilDong is, as can be expected when one totally avoids contact, as healthy as a horse.

And let us never forget the pussy play Gildon made in putting his arms up and AVOIDING contact of a ballcarrier well within reach and well within in-bounds territory. This was sorry, shameful, and pussified -- and all too typical of the Gilded Dong, Jason GilDong.

Season to date totals for Jason, in 13 games:

Earned Sacks: 3
Dong Sacks™: 5
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 2

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