The GilDong Report (Game #5, @ Cinci)
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper statistics
the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3 seasons to
monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their
point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take
time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
Jason
had yet another softee game in which he did little more than stand around
groping and pawing at opposing players, and avoiding contact at every
opportunity.� Jason, supposedly the team
captain, finished the game a whopping total of 1 solo and 1 assist.� That's right -- a measly, piss-ant total of
1 weak-assed solo and 1 assist.�
{Speaking
of stats, we've expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing
whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of
the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness
that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop
& Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well
as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against
ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who
actually knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st
downs allowed.� 1st downs are the
piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win
field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that
allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to
stay out longer.
- TDs
allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line
in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about
12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a
recap of Big Jason's game versus Cinci:
- On the very first drive,
Dillon took the ball up RT on 2d & 1.�
Big Jason -- supposedly a pro bowl LB�
-- easily got sealed in by RT W. Anderson, and Dillon dashed right by
for 11 yards and the first down.��
- Two plays later, Kitna
hit TE Matt Schobel on a routine curl.�
Jason was back in his usual little zone coverage, and was right nearby. �Of course, as is his nature, Jason flopped to
the ground and flailed at Schobel, and barely got a paw on Schobel's foot. �Schobel stumbled thru the GilDong flail, and
Porter applied the final shot as Schobel was falling toward the turf.� For this weak-assed nip, Jason The Gimcrack
was actually awarded a solo tackle -- his only one of the day.� ��
- On the next Cinci drive,
Jason got in a stack jump on a 2d & 5 plunge by Dillon.� Fortunately, the official scorers saw right
thru the fa�ade and refused to give the Sultan of Stackjumping a cheeezy assist.
- On the next play, on 3d
& 4 at the Cinci 46, Dillon ran wide right.� Backup WR Ron Dugans -- he of the massive size of 6-1", 205
-- cracked back on Big Jason, and easily sealed in the NFL's softest
linebacker.� Fortunately, Mike Logan --
a man who hits 3 times harder, and has 4 times better tackling technique than
the supposed pro bowl LB -- saved Jason's bacon by coming up and making a
sterling 1-on-1 stop of Dillon.
- On Cinci's first drive of
the 2Q, they began at their own 40.� On
1st down, Cinci lined up in a bunch right formation, and Dillon took the
handoff and ran wide right.� Meanwhile,
Big Jason GilDong -- the brawling, studly, behemoth of a linebacker -- was solo
blocked by Little Peter Warrick, and was easily stymied.� In fact, not only was Jason unable to bust
the chops of Little Peter -- all 5-11", 195 -- but right near the end of
the play, Little Peter ended up shoving Big Jason face-first into the
dirt.� This entire play was nothing
short of pussy football by the supposed team captain.� Luckily, James Farrior read the play and attacked
-- the way a LB ought -- and nailed Dillon for a 2-yard loss.� But we continually hear bullshit carping from
ignorant fans and the blind media about how "other teams are overloading
to block Jason Gildon" and "opponents are double teaming Big Jason",
yet that rarely ever happens.� All too often
this season, other teams are assigning little tyke wide receivers to
SOLO BLOCK the Titan of Tittyfighting, and these opponents are getting away
with it with tremendous 1-on-1 results.�
- On the next possession,
on a 1st & 10 at 9:57 2Q, Dillon ran the ball up RG/RT.� Once again, Jason was solo blocked by one man
-- this time rookie TE Matt Schobel.�
Instead of tooling the young rookie and stuffing the play, Jason
playfully tittyfought and got buffeted about.�
Jason then slid off Schobel and had both hands and his chest all over
Corey Dillon -- a man Jason outweighs by some 30 pounds -- but Dillon busted
right thru the softee, weak-assed tackle attempt as easily as shit passes
through a goose.� �While Jason ended up on the ground with his
dick in the dirt, Dillon finished off the run with 11 yards and a first down.�
- Two plays later, Warrick
took a wingback handoff from Kitna and headed up RT.� Jason was a wee bit off the LOS, and was totally unblocked and
untouched as the play developed.�
Instead of reading the play and then blowing it up -- the way a genuine
Pro Bowl linebacker would -- �Pussy
Jason just sat fallow, pittering and pattering with his feet like a complete
coward.� Center R. Braham then came
puling over, and then just mauled the piss out of The Gilded Dong.� Warrick gained an easy 6 yards on the play.
- On a 1st & 10 at the
Cinci 31 at 14:39 3Q, Dillon ran up RT.�
The Flopper, Jason GilDong, was once again solo-blocked by a non-lineman
-- TE M. Schobel -- who performed an easy push-out block of GilDong.� The way Jason accepted this block, with no
resistance or fight, was utterly sickening.�
Not surprising, but sickening.� Dillon
casually cruised up this nice fissure for an easy 4-yard gainer.�
- On a 2d & 6 at the
Pit 30, at 6:49 3Q, Dillon again ran the ball up RT.� Jason was bullied incessantly by Schobel, and as the whistle was
blowing -- and with Jason nowhere near the tackle -- an angry Jason gave
Schobel a shove, presumably in conjunction with the feeble cry of,
"Schobel, stop picking on me�you're hurting me!!"��
- On a 2d & 5 at 5:01
3Q, Dillon took the ball toward LT.� On
this play, Big Jason was lined up at ROLB, rather than his usual LOLB
spot.� Jason blindly, as is his
penchant, went to the WLR (Wide Loop Rush), and Dillon jogged up the humongous
hole for an easy 4 yards.�
- On the ensuing 3d & 1,
Dillon ran the ball up RG/RT.� Jason the
Gimcrack was solo-blocked by Schobel, who literally bulldozed the pussy
linebacker back a good 4-1/2 yards off the line of scrimmage.� Dillon gained an easy 3 and the first
down.� But hey -- Jason Gildong is
being "double teamed", and he really is a great pro bowl linebacker�.
- 3 plays later, on a 3d
& 15, Kitna hit Dillon with a short dumpoff.� Porter, who was back in coverage, came up and made 99% of the
tackle.� Gildon, chasing from behind,
dove on Dillon as the RB was a few inches from the grass, and for this huge
amount of "help", Jason was awarded a cheesy assist.� Not shabby hustle for a guy who stands
around most of the game with any number of digits up his southern orifice, but
not much of an assist when the real pro bowl LB had already made the
play and the stop.�
- Late in the 3Q, on a 1st
and goal on the Stiller 4, Dilon took a handoff and headed for RG/RT.� Big Jason was totally untouched at
the snap, and meekly ventured untouched into the Cinci backfield.� Once again, instead of blowing this play up
-- especially near the goal line when you cannot surrender yardage -- Jason
totally pussed out in one of the most girlish, faggoty, dicklick plays I have
EVER seen from an NFL linebacker.� Those of you who
taped this game need to pull out the tape and WATCH this play.� Jason tiptoes untouched into the backfield,
and then prepares to meet lead-blocker Lorenzo Neal, a fine FB but a man who
gives up 10 pounds to Big Jason.� Instead
of taking on Neal like a man, Jason acts like a girl and literally turns his
back and KNEELS onto the ground, which allows Neal to easily and totally bury
the Gilded Dong.� Dillon jogged by this
block and got a 2-yard gain on a play that should have been blown up by ANY
linebacker who owned a set of gonads.�
Jason's made a shitload of weak, sorry plays in his pitiful career, but
this pussy play -- the kind you see 185-pound CBs make when confronted by a FB
-- is easily among the top 5 all time pussy plays by the Princess of Pussy,
Jason GilDong.�
- On the next play, Dillon
took the ball up RT.� Cinci used an
unbalanced line on this play, with LT Levi Jones lining up to the right
of RT W. Anderson.� Jason was down in
the 3-point stance, opposite Jones.� At
the snap, Jones simply drives Big Jason -- the brawling he-man that he is --
way to the inside, and then literally onto the turf in a devastating pancake-like
block.� While Jason was lying on his
back like a drunken whore, Dillon ambled up the hole created by the Pancaked
Pro Bowler, and scored the TD.� Once
again, PUSSY FOOTBALL at its worst by the supposed team captain, Jason
The Gimcrack.� Perhaps a new nickname
should be "Aunt JamimaJason", both for his female tendencies
as well as his penchant for getting pancaked.�
- Jason was called for a
foolish offsides, at 12:35 of the 4Q.�
- On a 1st & 10 at the
Pit 39, at 11:06 4Q, Kitna hit Houshmandzadeh on a simple, short curl right
next to Jason GilDong, who was in short zone coverage.� Jason went to make the tackle on the backup
WR, but instead, as is his penchant, The Flopper did his patented Flop &
Flail�, and whiffed miserably.� Houseman-what-thehell
gained 8 yards, while The Flopper once again lied prone on the grass with his
dick in the dirt.�
To review Big Jason's day, he
had 1 solo the entire game, on a weak-assed flail that barely nipped the
shoe of a rookie 3rd-round TE.� Supposedly
the defensive captain, Jason's softee, gutless play allowed 3 first
downs and a touchdown.�
Pass rush?� Once again�.fuh-get-about-it.� Jason didn't come close to even sniffing
Kitna the entire day.� Didn't harass,
hit, or jostle the QB.� Sure enough,
I'll hear the feeble cries of The GilDongites ("In Dong we
Trust"), "�.but (sob) Jason was in coverage ALL day�..(honk)"� Fact is, counting plays with penalties,
Jason rushed 26 times, while in coverage 11 times and in "half-and-half
spy duties" a couple of times.� �Despite the preponderance of rushing chores,
and despite the fact that Haggans, Bailey, and Porter were swarming all over
Kitna from all over the field, Jason The Gimcrack was unable to do anything
more than tittyfight and loop-rush.� And,
in a factual observation not reported on anywhere else but Stillers.com,
GilDong did not rush exclusively from his LOLB spot.� On about 10 occasions, Jason actually rushed from the RIGHT side,
yet Jason was unable to apply any more pressure than that of the gaseous
pressure of a farting ferret.� As I
often harp on, it's not the sacks that I worry about, because the sack is the
single most over-rated, most meaningless stat in all of the 4 major
professional sports.� What I want from a
pass rusher is harassment �.disruption�.punishing hits on the QB.� Jason gave us NONE of this on Sunday.� All he did the entire game was play pattycake
and tittyfight. That's it�nothing more.�
For the outrageously fatty sum
of $23.5M, for the fifth consecutive week Jason accomplished jack shit
in an entire day of football ...no pressures, no flushes, no harassment, no
hits as the pass is released, no shedding of blockers on running plays�no
nothing.� On the other hand, if GilDong
were paid according to the amount of barf-inducing plays that are befitting of
female power-puff football, Jason would be looking at earnings far exceeding
any clever insider deal by Martha Stewart.�
On a related note, what's the difference between Martha Stewart and
Jason GilDong?� Answer: They both stole
money, and they're both feminine in their approach�but unlike The Flopper,
Martha doesn't get bullied, bulldozed, and whipped like a red-headed stepchild.� And Martha doesn't like to spend an entire
afternoon playfully slapping at someone else's tits.�
Real linebackers do more
than tittyfight an entire game.�� Real
All Pro players do more than tittyfight and play pattycakes for 60 minutes of
football.� Real leaders and pro bowlers
go out and seize the initiative and MAKE PLAYS, not stand around slapping the
tits of an opposing blocker.� The real
shame is that Jason GilDong isn't playing much worse than he has in previous
seasons.� Jason has always been a pussy
of a linebacker.� Shamefully, the fans
have given Jason a free pass and lots of idolatry, merely because he recorded
the occasional Dong Sack.� Amusingly
enough, fans are starting to see through the fa�ade and are seeing what a
pathetic paper tiger their tittyfighting "defensive leader" actually
is. �And, amusingly enough, just as I'd
stated as far back as last year, Clark Haggans -- finally given the chance to
play -- is showing that he's easily the equal of Jason The Gimcrack, and has
unquestionably and clearly out hustled, outhit, and outplayed the fraudulent pro
bowler.� �
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 5 games:
Earned Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�: 1
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
Flailing Whiffs: 7
First downs allowed:� 13
TDs allowed:� 2
