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The Gildong Report (Nov. 23rd -- Game 11)

November 23, 2000 by Still Mill


The GilDong Report (Nov. 23rd, '00)

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong�s 11 sacks in �98 --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I devoted considerable time last season to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.) Again in '00, I'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the fraud that he is.

In a string of reprehensible, piss-poor outings that has stretched all the way back since early October, Gildon --supposedly "the budding pro bowler" -- added to this string with as worthless an outing as has ever been seen within the bowels of 3RS. And I do mean worthless, as I was there in person to witness the shameful effort by Gildon, and I also reviewed the gametape the following day. In fact, I apologize for the lateness of this week's GilDong Report, but it was literally nauseating for me to even watch the tape, and, as much as I tried, I got physically ill each time I tried to sit down and write this weekly column.

On Jax�s very first play from scrimmage, Gildon recorded a sack on a play in which he was solo-blocked by the RB, and then got to Brunell. Brady came over in motion, and it appeared that he was supposed to chip-block Gildon, but Brady failed to be positionally correct, so he basically "passed" on chipping Gildon and moseyed into his pattern. This left Fred Taylor -- a man who gives up 2 inches and some 30 pounds to Gildon -- to solo-block Big Jason. Brunell was looking for a man on a quick pop-pass, but not seeing him open, Brunell wisely took the sack rather than risking a foolish INT in his own territory. Gildon was able to partially over-power the flat-footed Taylor -- a tailback noted for his ballcarrying skills rather than his blocking acumen -- and grab onto Brunell as the QB was preparing to take the 1st-down sack. This was an earned sack, but as dubious and soft an earned sack as one can be.

The Jaguars then ran another 66 plays from scrimmage, in which Jason Gildon was seen standing and flailing as haplessly as a one-armed windmill. Gildon stood around jacking his beanstalk the entire remainder of the game, recording a whopping 1 assist in a effort so pitiful and putrid that he ought to have given the Rooney's back his paycheck for the game, or been arrested for fraud and/or theft of a salary that was not earned.

Gildon was assigned one-on-one coverage on McCardell in the 2nd quarter, but the duckfooted Gildon was thoroughly incapable of keeping even 6 yards within McCardell, who was wide open for an 18-yard reception on a simple seam route. Two plays later, Gildon did his patented One-Armed Flail and missed badly on Taylor, and the Jag's RB scampered 25-yards for the TD. Had Gildon had even 3 ounces of spine in his back, he'd have jammed up this play and Taylor gets, at best, 4 yards. Just prior to this juncture, Taylor had gained a meager 16 yards on his first 6 carries. After seeing the ease of this 25-yard TD, Coach Coughlin and the Jags staff saw a light go off in their heads, and proceeded -- just as the Titans did 2 weeks prior -- to mercilessly rip the Stillers apart by exploiting the soft-as-Charmin Gildon on ground plays.

Taylor ran for a big 24-yard run right to the Stillers' two-yard line, right after Troy's kickoff fumble. On this play, Gildon was simply manhandled and dominated by Kyle Brady, who bullied Big, Bad Jason way inside to create an enormous hole for Taylor to run around right end. This hole was so wide that a '73 Bonneville could have fit -- sideways -- thru it with no problems at all.

Then Taylor capped his nite with his 4th TD, on a play in which he started up the gut but then, seeing an ACRE of room to his right, cut back to the right and easily jogged in for the score. On this play, Gildon foolishly and clumsily overpursued waaaay to his right, and then was easily sealed off by the RT, Fordham. Taylor cut behind this seal and dashed to paydirt.

Pass pressure? Other than the game's very first play, Gildon didn't even sniff Brunell the entire rest of the game. And unlike Joey Porter, who was facing all-world LT Tony Boselli, Gildong had the luxury of facing the Jag's RT, Fordham, a scrubeenie who was only seeing any playing time because of the injuries to Searcy and Pillar and 80% of the rest of the Jaguar linemen. Yeah, Gildon did have a fumble recovery. This was on a great sack-and-jar by LeeFlowers, with Gildon standing around doing nothing in terms of harassment on the QB.

This game was a bad-news, good-news kind of thing. The bad news is that we got whipped on national TV. The good news is that the entire country should now see what a soft, pathetic jellyfish Jason Gildong is as an NFL linebacker, and the nation will should now realize that Gildong is fraud, a fake, and a folly who has no business even starting in the NFL, much less attending the Pro Bowl.

Season to date totals for Jason, in 11 games:

Earned Sacks: 3
Dong Sacks™: 5
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1

The Still Mill 

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