The GilDong Report (Game #9, vs. AZ)
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason
Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable
time the past 4 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason
Gildon.� (Click here to read the 2002 season-in-review
GilDong Report)� Big Jason
has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the
QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment
sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new statistic, called the "Dong
Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are
incorporating this into their point systems.)�
Again in '03, we'll take time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for
the fraud that he truly is.
Jason GilDong, known around the league as The Paper
Tiger for his ability to rack up paper stats, had another game in which
he loaded up on cheesy slop and boxscore stats that weren't remotely close to
what actually occurred on the field.�
Jason The Gimcrack was credited in the boxscore with 8 solos and 3
assists, but as can easily be seen in the NFL.com play-by-play,
Jason actually had 5 solos and 6 assists.�� And as we'll see from the photos below, it was quite evident
that the Cardinals were perfectly content the entire game to ignore The
Donger in such a manner that they rarely even assigned a blocker to Big Jason
on running plays.�
�
{Speaking of stats, last year we
expanded our "Dong stats" and will do so for the 2003 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of the Flop
& Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness that this
stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop & Flail, in which
Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well as the numerous
varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against ballcarriers that are
otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who actually knows something
about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.� 1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at
a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the
ball into scoring range.� Personally
allowing a first down is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to
remain on the field and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line in football is the
scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are
required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a recap of
Big Jason's game versus Arizona:
1.� 1-10 PIT 42� 12:47
1Q. At the snap, Blake hands the ball off to Shipp on a basic dive play
off RT.� On the 2nd pic, below, you can
clearly see what AZ's game plan was: put a hat on every defender except Jason
GilDong.� There's GilDong, with the red
arrow at the 42-yard line, totally neglected, untouched, and unblocked, while
the Cards are actively blocking EVERY other player on the front 7 �..
��� 
�Jason, untouched and unblocked,
is in perfect position to blast the piss out of Shipp and set the tone for the
defense.� Instead, what does the big
he-man do?� He CATCHES Shipp at the
42-yard line like a complete coward�
��� 
����
�and allows Shipp to plow and
lunge forward to the 41 for an easy 3-yard gain.�
Jason thus gets credit for a solo
stop on a play in which he was totally untouched and unblocked, and did nothing
but stand still and catch the runner and get steamrolled, turning a no-gain
into a 3-yard gain.���
2.� 1-10 ARI
20 5:52 1Q.� Boldin caught a short
out-hitch, and then prepares to run with the ball.� Scott has Boldin measured up well enough, so much so that the big
brawling "pro bowl LB", Jason GilDong, is in perfect position to
blindside Boldin -- a man GilDong outweighs by 40 pounds --
and knock the young WR
into next week�.
��� 
�instead, what does GilDong
do?� He weakly and meekly grabs at
Boldin as though he's playing pom-pom pull-away,
��� 
�Boldin doesn't gain much extra
positive yardage, but notice the distance Boldin manages to drag GilDong while
The Dong hangs onto Boldin's back like a hapless little monkey�.
��� 
�at the end of the play, Jason
assumes his favorite position, on all fours like a dog preparing to urinate on
a fire hydrant.�
For this macho, heroic effort, Big
Jason GilDong got his 2nd solo of the game.�
Just like the first solo, Jason was untouched and unblocked, and had a
clean, easy-as-pie shot at the ballcarrier.�
3.� 2-6 ARI
37� 4:01 1Q.� Boldin caught a short curl-in.�
Jason is fairly close to the receiver, as are others�
��� 
�while other defenders are hustling
and converging on the ballcarrier, Jakin' Jason is jogging and loafing, taking
a lazy, overly circuitous route (see top left of photo, below) that served no
purpose other than make Jason look like he was doing something, when in
reality, he was doing absolutely nothing.�
4. 1-10 ARI 37 14:50 2Q. Shipp ran
the ball up the gut, while Jason (red arrow) was virtually untouched and
unblocked..,..
��� 
�.Shipp hits a wall of players and
is basically stopped, but Jason -- never one to pass up the chance to acquire a
slop tackle -- mosies over to the stack, and literally just lays into the
stack�.
��� 
�.for this heroic, bone-crushing
play by Big Jason Gildon, he was awarded an assist.��
��� 
5. On the very next play, Blake faked the handoff and
bootlegged to his right.� Jason (red
line) gets totally bamboozled by the fake, and blows not only the outside
contain that The GilDongites ("In Dong We Trust")
love to point to as Jason's mighty domain, but also totally blows coverage on
the TE, Jones �.
��� 
�You can easily see the scorching
Jason (red circle with line on the left photo, below) receives on this
play, which netted 16 yards and a first down.�
��� 
6.� 2-15 50
13:23 2Q.� Shipp got a handoff and ran
up the gut.� Meanwhile, the big,
fearsome "pro bowler", Jason GilDong, was once again left untouched
and unblocked�.
���
��� 
�Jason once again has a clean,
easy-as-pie shot as the RB, but is slow to even recognize that it's a running
play (remember, there's that sack record that's far more important than winning
a little ol' football game), and Jason then does his own version of the pussy
paw-paw, meekly pawing and groping at Shipp as though Shipp were an electric
eel�
��� 
�instead of Shipp getting stopped
and drilled for perhaps a 2-yard gain, Shipp gains 8 yards on the play, thanks
to the pussy paw-paw games of Jason GilDong.�
��� 
But, don't forget -- Jason got an
assist, his 3rd, on this play.� What a
he-man.� What a super-hero.� What a stud.� Quick -- call up Rooney and see if we can extend Jason's
contract.�
7. 2-6 PIT 42 4:00 2Q.� Anderson, the backup RB, took a handoff up
RG.� Once again -- as happened the entire
afternoon -- Big Jason GilDong (red circle) was left untouched and unblocked,
and has a clear, easy-as-pie shot at the ballcarrier�
���
��� 
�instead, Jason does his favorite
routine -- The Flop n' Flail -- and whiffs in a pathetic manner
��� 
�instead of a stop for no-gain, the backup RB Anderson gains an easy 3-yards, while the heroic "leader of the defense" ends up on his ass.��
8. 1-10 PIT 17 1:50 2Q. Shipp took a
handoff up the gut.� Jason was barely
touched on this play, and slid over and got yet another slop-assist, his 4th of
the game.�
9.� Two plays later,
3-1 PIT 8, Shipp ran up RG.� At the
snap, Big Jason (red line, below) slanted in�
��� 
�like the complete puss that he
is, Jason turns his back and then gets CAVED IN and BURIED�
��� 
Shipp gained an easy 3 yards and a
critical red zone first down, while the "team captain", Jason
GilDong, turned his back and quit like a complete coward.�
10. 1-10 ARI 19, 15:00 3Q. Shipp took a
handoff up the gut on the first play of the 3rd quarter.� As the Cards did in the first half, they chose
to IGNORE Big Jason GilDong by not even assigning a man to block the big he-man
LB.� Jason, untouched and unblocked,
slid over and got yet another cheesy slop-assist, his 5th of the game.�
11.� 2 plays later,
Blake faded back to pass.� Jason stunted
to the inside, and came up the gut UNTOUCHED and UNBLOCKED�.
��� 
�Blake had to elude Aaron Smith, a
defender who actually FACED, and beat, a blocker on this play.� Jason, the Untouched Boy Wonder, came over
and got the brutal, bone-jarring ankle-grab of Blake for the sack.�
��� 
It's rather fitting that Jason's
big (sic) sack record came on a Dong Sack, the brand of sack that
Jason has specialized in all these years in garnering the vast majority of his
sacks, the Dong way.�
���
12. 2-3 ARI 30. 11:29 3Q. � At the snap, Shipp took the handoff and
headed to his right.� Meanwhile, Big
Jason GilDong (not the red line, below left, but rather the man just inside of
#85 of Arizona) gets mauled by the TE, Freddie Jones, and then sealed to the
inside�.
��� 
�the sealing and mauling
continues, while a real LB, James Farrior, makes the play.�
��� 
13. 1-10 ARI 21 6:27 3Q.� At the snap, Blake faded back to pass.
Meanwhile, Big Jason stunted to the inside, and then engaged with a guard.� (see pics below, at the 18-19 yard line,
just below the "NFL on Fox" graphic)�
��� 
�Jason then proceeds to get his
jock rocked, getting rocked backwards like a dwarf getting ejected from a
tavern by an angry bouncer�.
��� 
�That's Jason, at the top of the
pics, below, at the 20-21 yard line, kneeling on all 4's like a sorry,
downtrodden rumpgrinder.�
��� 
But, hey -- who cares about
getting knocked on his ass, when one has a mega-million dollar contract, a
guaranteed starting job, and a local media that fawns over him as though he
were Lawrence Freaking Taylor?
���
14. On the very next play, Shipp took the ball up RG
on a draw play.� Jason was tapped by the
RT off the snap, and then the RT moved on for bigger fish, leaving Jason, once
again, untouched and unblocked�.
��� 
�Jason pitter-pattered, as is his
nature, and then nudged into Shipp for yet another cheesy tackle, his 3rd solo
of the game.
��� 
15. 2-8 ARI 19 14:10 4Q.� Blake hit Jones with a short pass, and Jones
rumbled for a 34 yard gain.� Big
Jason GilDong, the "team leader" and "team captain" and
"pro bowler", jogged after Jones and never gained any ground on
Jones.� Absolutely pitiful.�
16.� On the very next
play, Shipp took the ball up the gut.�
Farrior made the stop, with a cheesy add-on by Big Jason for his 6th
assist.�
17.� 17. 4-5
PIT 5 10:29 4Q. Blake faded back to pass.� Big Jason, whose almighty claim is "he had contain",
totally lost contain and allowed Blake to scramble to his right and complete a
TD pass to Johnson.� The TD was
overruled when the replay showed Johnson stepping OOB prior to the catch, but
nonetheless, it was yet another weak, sub-par play by Jason GilDong.
18.� On the very next
play, Blake faded back to pass.� Big
Jason was solo blocked on his pass rush, and was, as usual, doing absolutely
nothing�
���
��� 
�Blake, finding no one open,
scrambled, with 2 Steelers in pursuit�.
��� 
�Jason (red line, below) flops to
his knees and flails away at Blake's ankle, and a step later, Blake stumbles to
the ground amidst a heap of 2 other defenders.
��� 
For this brutalizing, heroic,
finger-nail Dong Sack, Jason got his 4th solo of the game.�
19. 2-10 ARI 22 8:36 4Q. Blake faded back
to pass.� Jason rushed toward the inside
with his infamous "big bull rush", and as usual, was doing absolutely
nothing in terms of heat & harassment on the QB.�
��� 
�Blake scrambled to his right, and
finding no one open, Blake kept the ball and ran out of bounds -- totally
UNTOUCHED -- for a horrifying, astronomical 1-yard loss.
��� 
Because Jason GilDong happened to
be the closest defender, he got credit for a solo stop and yet another
pathetically weak, cheesy, Dong Sack.�
20. 3-10 ARI 34 4:55 4Q. Blake faded
back to pass.� Jason, SOLO blocked by
the RT, tried his ever-popular WLR (wide loop rush), and was summarily buried
into the turf.
��� 
To summarize:� Jason had 5 solos the entire game, not
8.� They were:
��
- totally untouched, Jason pawed at Boldin as Boldin was juking Chad
Scott, and Boldin carried Big Jason a good 4 yards before going OOB.
��
- totally untouched and unblocked, Jason ankle-grabbed Blake after Blake
eluded Aaron Smith, for a Dong Sack.
��
- totally untouched and unblocked after the RT released, Jason stood
around and waited for Shipp to plow into him.
��
- Jason got a fingernail nip of Blake's heel, and a couple steps later, Blake
stumbled and fell for a Dong Sack of 0 yards.
��
- Blake ran u OOB for a 1-yard loss, and Jason happened to be the
closest defender for a Dong sack and yet another cheesy solo.
Jason also had 6 assists, all of
which were laden with cheese and slop.� The
Crabber allowed a 1st-down during the game, and had a flailing
whiff.� He also had a spectacular backward
flop onto his ass after he got rocked by a guard while trying his
infamous "bullrush".� Hurries
created when he beat a blocker?�
None.� Hits on the QB after
beating a blocker?� None.� Forced turnovers?� None.� Hard hits?� None.�
Meaningful impact on the game?�
Very, very little.���
Sure enough, we'll hear more
babble from Ron Cook and The GilDongites, "�but�but Jason
was back in coverage practically the whole game."� No, he was not. Counting plays with flags
and plays in which the QB ran, Jason dropped in coverage 13 times, while
rushing the QB 31 times.����
"But Jason is being ganged
upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� But sure
enough, we'll hear experts like Ron Cook, who will tell you how badly Jason is
being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and every
play.� It's balderdash.� As shown repeatedly above, the Cards totally
ignored Jason on most plays and treated him with as much fear as if they were
facing Justin Kurpeikis.�
Of course, Ron Cook, the executive
vice president of the GilDong Apologists Association, fawned and
gushed all over GilDong after this past game, going so far as to write,� "Gildon has again become perhaps the
Steelers' best defensive player".�
In all 9 of his NFL seasons, GilDong has never, ever been even remotely
close to being the "Steelers' best defensive player", so it would be
an impossibility for Jason to "again become" something he has never
been.� Further, Jason isn't anywhere
close to the linebacker that Farrior, Porter, and Bell are.� Accumulating a bunch of cheesy assists and
Dong Sacks doesn't make a player great.�
But getting sealed in; getting mauled; turning one's back to a blocker;
and getting jock-rocked onto one's ass, makes a player a sorry sack o' dung,
which is precisely what Jason GilDong has been, is, and will always be.� Jason may be in the Steeler record book for
sacks, but he's also in the same book for being the biggest puss in boots ever
to wear a Stiller uniform.
It's high time the Pittsburgh media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The Gimcrack for what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends little energy, does nothing, and is actually inferior to 4th-year LB Clark Haggans.�
It's partially absurd that this
much analysis needs to be done on such an obvious fraud, but there are still scores
of fans out there who think this phony is actually worth a rat's ass.� He's not, and we'll continue to expose him,
week in and week out, this season.�
If anyone doubts the validity of
The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape, and compare
what you observe to what the report covers.�
Don't have the game on tape?�
Then make it a point to isolate on Big Jason, and only Big Jason, on
perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next week.�
Soon enough, you'll join the legions of Steeler fans who have finally
seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze,
Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about what a fraud this imposter
truly is.�
Season to date totals for Jason, in 9 games:
Earned
Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�:� 4
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 7 (plus SL and Sea. game, TBD)
First downs allowed: 13 (plus SL and Sea. game, TBD)
TDs allowed:� 4 (plus Sea. game, TBD)
(Click
here to read the 2002 season-in-review GilDong Report�)
(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only
nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately
predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)