�Sucks Says
Random
Rants by PalmerSucks
November
11, 2009
This just in off the newswire�
The problem
has plagued Palmer for several years now, dating back to his beginnings as an
NFL quarterback. Mr. Palmer said he began to develop a blockage in his throat, which
for some reason flared up badly on Sundays.
�It hurts
when I do this,� Palmer said, cocking his arm as if to throw a pass. �I wish I
knew why.�
Palmer will
be treated by Dr. Phil M. Gaggin, one of the country�s top throat specialists. �Dr. Gaggin
specializes in treating sports figures with esophageal blockages: other notable
clients include Bill Buckner and the 1990s Buffalo Bills.
In the
meantime Palmer will resume his regular duties as Chairman of the National
Heimlich Maneuver Training and Education Society.
But
seriously folks�
In perhaps
the surprise story of �09, the Bengals sit at 6-2 atop the North, and the TV
heads are all a-twitter over how Palmer is supposedly �back
from that leg injury.� Coincidentally, Cedric Benson�s racked up more than 800
yards just halfway through the season � Hallelujah, it�s a medical miracle!
Here�s an
actual quote from a Bengals fan, taken off a popular football news site:
�The
Bengals success should be absolutely no surprise with a healthy Carson Palmer. �Yeah, it's been a few years since he's been
100% but when you have a top 10 QB in this league you WILL win more games than
you lose.�
Child,
please.
The
Bengals� success this year has as much to do with Cornholio
as the color of my underwear has to do with today�s
weather. Below are Benson�s and Palmer�s stats, which give us a clue about
what�s really driving Cincy�s success this year:
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
As you can see, two of Palmer�s
worst passing performances (vs. the Stillers and Cleveland) resulted in wins
for the Bengals nonetheless. �The third, vs.
Now look at Benson�s stats � he�s
averaged well over 4 yards a carry most games, with a string of 100-yard
performances, unfolding a pattern of
Like they did during the �04-�05 campaign,
the Bengals are winning thanks to a top rushing game and turnovers � not the
arm of Carson Palmer, the Choker, the Gagger, the Throat Roadblock, the
Heimlich Pirate. As for Sunday�s game, Palmer will get plenty of chances to hit
passes early, as the Stillers stack to stop Benson. What the Gagger does late,
however, will determine things.
There�s been a lot of crying by
Bungals� fans over the spread, but that just goes to show the guys in Vegas �
unlike the morons doing the crying � actually watched the last game in Cincy. Last time, the Stillers blew out the Bungals on the
stat sheet, if not the scoreboard. There is no reason for the Stillers not to
roll over Cincy again, and who knows, maybe with
Sweed out, they won�t drop touchdown passes this time.
Another bad
sign for the Choker � the return of Troy Pola, who has tortured Palmer throughout
his career. Last time Palmer had it
easy with
This time there will be no free
government cheese.
Something else I�ve noticed on
tape � lately Palmer seems to favor his left thumb when handing off, meaning
there could be another patented
This is Cincy�s biggest game in 5
years, and without Chris Henry, a guy who has achieved something vs. the
Stillers, the Bungals now rely on Chad Muchostinko, who has done nothing
against the Stillers -- ever. Keep in mind, also, that Benson�s carried the
ball now about 200 times, so soon they could have a tired back on their hands.
Oh, and one more thing � can
somebody PLEASE not allow Palmer an acre of ground to take off and run 10
yards? Nothing is more irritating that seeing this duck-footed slob get to
saunter on down the field with the nearest defender in
Before the season started, I
picked the Bungals to be a much tougher team for two reasons, neither of which
had to do with Carson Chokeboy Palmer: 1. An improved
run game, and 2. A much-improved defense stocked with young higher-round draft
choices. The Bungals now resemble more a Bill Cowher type unit � welcome to the
�90s, boys.
As for the pre-game outlook,
nothing�s much changed from previous years � the Bungals can win if they can run the ball, and steal more turnovers than they give up. I
say they won�t. We�ll see.
I don�t know about you, but I�m
enjoying this Cincy �resurgence.� �When
was the last time you could work up any animosity for the Bungals? �With Bungals fans all cocky
and the media back riding Palmer�s jock, suddenly things are fun � and funny �
again.
Now all we need is for
Muchostinko to punch Marvin in the locker room again, and we�re good to go�
A Humble Suggestion
So, Lamarr Woodley, the Michigan
Man, now more resembles Lamarr Woodley, the Michelin Man. �What to do with a chunky linebacker? �Maybe it�s time we moved him inside.
Then we move Timmons outside, to
Woodley�s spot, taking advantage of Timmons�s speed and athleticism. While
we�re at it, we take speedy young Key Fox and stick him in Farrior�s spot. Now
you�ve got a LB corps that�s ready to terrify some QBs.
Woodley matched up on guards
might make for some nice mismatches indeed. �I know, too, I�d love to see Timmons blowing
in from the corner more often. �How�s
about it, Stillers?
(The views of PalmerSucks are not
necessarily those of Stillers.com � but should be.)