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The Chokes of Pittsburgh’s Palmer Sucks

January 24, 2009 by Guest

�Sucks Says

Random Rantings by PalmerSucks

January 23, 2009

So there the Stillers were, doing exactly what I�d prescribed in the pre-game commentary: namely, making Joe Flacco look like the greenhorn peachfuzzer he is. 13 of 30 attempts Joe Fool would finish, 141 yards of passing-yardage futility � and it wasn�t even as good as it looked. Finally!

Yet there the Ravens were, down just 2 points with the better part of the 4th quarter left. How � HOW? Quite simply, the Stillers returned to their old ways, statistically dominating another playoff opponent only to keep them in the game through a series of self-inflicted wounds and mouse-meek play calling.

16-14, three and out, five minutes to go and the Ravens holding both the ball and the momentum. Time to cue the ghosts -- ghosts that had haunted this part of town for the last two decades. Ghosts of AFC Championships past, rising up to haunt the stunned and suddenly quiet crowd.

Alfred Pupunu, taking a cheesy little dump off and rumbling like a wounded elephant past useless tacklers �mwooo! � Tim McKyer, sneaking that fatal little peek into the other guys� backfield �mwooo! --  Stan Humphries, heaving a hopeless third-down chuck that had �so what we�re punting anyway!� written all over it � mwooo! � Kordell Stewart, standing there all dumbfounded as Bill Romanowski slaps his own helmet mockingly at him � mwooo! � Troy Brown, weaving in between Stillers� punt coverers sinking into quicksand, still untouched to this day � mwooo!

Now comes another ghost on deck, ready to swirl up and dance around with the others once this latest collapse is complete: Limas Sweed, ball clanking off his hands, eyes looking up at the Jumbotron � mwooo!--

And just like that, faster than a James Harrison bull rush, long hair flying and legs pumping, Troy Polamalu reaches up to snare the ball � and the victory from the defeat -- and the last ghost, before it can leave the stadium.

So long, suckers.


--So how did I do last week? Let�s recap, beginning with the score prediction:

�Stillers 24, Baltimore 9. Or something like that.�

Not bad � though the offense certainly could�ve put up the whole 23 points actually scored, and more. Plus, take away the absolute garbage interference call that turned a field goal into a touchdown, and hey, the Ravens end up with 9 points. Mwooo!

How'd my nomination of Holmes to be the step-up player of the game turn out? Next time watch out for him to do it at receiver.�


--Limas Sweed: yeah I know, nice job not only blowing the TD, but way to kill the field goal chances too! But while you�re screaming at poor Limas, keep in mind that part of the blame goes to the coaches for this debacle. By giving Sweed a good case of bench rot, they practically guaranteed he�d choke coming in cold to a game of this magnitude.

As the rookie said after the game:

"It was my first time to get in and play a lot on offense," said Sweed, a second-round draft choice (53rd overall) from Texas. "You make mistakes."

--Disturbing: Nate Washington�s post-victory comment that the Stillers �panicked� when Ward left the game � as apparently nobody had practiced in Ward�s slot during practice. As the two old men in the Guinness commercials would say: �brilliant!�

--By the way, there still may be hope for Sweed. After absorbing a 10-minute reaming from Coach apr�s boner, Sweed could�ve gone into the tank. Instead, he responded by laying the wood to a Ravens� defender on a crackback, made a key conversion catch over the middle, and broke up an interception in the end zone. Now if he can just hold the damn ball!

--Finally, I want to bring up the subject of the play-calling in the second half: because no matter how many times it�s been ripped, it�s NOT ENOUGH.

The defense wasn�t the only thing that would help make Flacco look like a rookie QB � the offense needed to chip in too. By scoring in the twenties as I�d said last week, the Stillers could put enough pressure on Joke Flacco to make him fold like a wet pup tent. The first half play calling was a pleasure to see, with plenty of attack plays sent into the huddle.

In the second half, though, instead of continuing to strafe a Ravens defense that was begging to be put to sleep, the Stillers� O came out and played like scared little schoolgirls. I half expected to see them in plaid skirts and frilly white blouses and knee socks, carrying Hannah Montana lunch boxes, it was so girlie. Nobody gets much yardage running into the middle of the Ravens defense, but here came the Stillers, plunging straight ahead time and futile time again.

If the Stillers have any notion of lifting the Lombardi trophy come February, they will take the play sheet from the second half of the game and burn it. I promise you that should they try such turtle-fuck, fetal-position football against Arizona, they will lose. As far as I know, Kurt Warner never put up any 18.2 rating games, and isn�t likely to start now.

If Mike Tomlin is responsible for this display of abortion ball, he should be ashamed. If it�s Bruce Arians, he should be fired right now. Why not? A traffic cone could produce a better game plan than what we saw in the second half, anyway.

As a certain second-year QB once told a certain head coach in a certain Super Bowl XL: �let�s not play not to lose.�

Until next time, this is PalmerSucks, and this is what I say.

(The views of PalmerSucks are not necessarily those of � but should be.)

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