The GilDong Report (Game #12, @ Jax)
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper
statistics the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3
seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their
point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take
time to expose The Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
gim�crack (jkr
k
)� n. A cheap and showy object of little or no use;
a gewgaw.� adj : tastelessly showy;
cheap; gaudy.� "a flash car";
"a flashy ring"; "garish colors"; "a gaudy
costume"; "loud sport shirts"; "tawdry
ornaments".� The origin
of gimcrack is uncertain. It is
perhaps an alteration of Middle English gibecrake,
"a slight or flimsy ornament."
Flimsy
indeed.� Jason Gildon, well known as Jason
the Gimcrack, showed exactly how worthy of his nickname he is, in yet
another lackluster, halfhearted effort versus lowly Jacksonville.� Big Jason -- supposedly this big, brawling,
he-man linebacker, did nothing; impacted nothing; forced nothing; hit nothing;
attacked nothing; and, as his nickname suggests, showed beyond all doubts that
he is a showy object of little or no use.�
Known around the league as The Paper Tiger for his ability
to compile paper statistics, Jason had 0 solos and 2 assists for the 2nd
consecutive game.���
{Speaking
of stats, we've expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we're
added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the accurate tracking
of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing
whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of
the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness
that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop
& Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well
as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against
ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who
actually knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st
downs allowed.� 1st downs are the
piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win
field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that
allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to
stay out longer.
- TDs
allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line
in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about
12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a recap
of Big Jason's game versus Jax:
- On 2d & 1 at the Pit
18, at 3:24 1Q, Talor took a handoff up RG.�
At the snap, Big Jason was engaged with backup TE Pete Mitchell, who'd
come over in motion.�
Almost
instantaneously, Big Jason -- the brawling he-man -- drops down to all fours
like a small DB facing a 300-pound pulling guard.� You see this kind of bizarre play in the NFL -- a LB squatting
down on all fours in front of a pass-receiving TE that actually gives up 20 (twenty)
pounds to Big Jason -- and you have to wonder if Jason GilDong was more
concerned with placing himself closer to Mitchell's crotch area than he was in
playing football the way a real LB is supposed to play.�
Taylor runs free as a bird
for the TD, while the team's "defensive captain" plays POSSUM and
lies down like a dead dog.� Possum
Gildon -- the NFL's weakest, biggest fraud.� Of course, because this isn't the "coaches' film" and
because we "don't know Jason's assignment", you can ignore what you
see here and totally absolve Big Jason for his craven effort on this play.� For all we know, Jason�s assignment was to
flop down on all fours and get buried by anyone who blocked him.�
��� 
-
On 1st & 10 at 12:38 2Q, Farrior stuffed Mack and stripped the ball on the
weird play that was supposedly "whistled" dead.� No, Jason GilDong didn't do dick on this
play.� In fact, right after Farrior made
the initial hit, it appeared that a small pileup might develop, but Farrior
then muscled Mack back a couple yards.�
At the same time, The Paper Tiger -- the NFL's biggest stackjumper --
jumped onto what he thought was going to be a stack, in hopes of getting a
cheesy assist.� Hilariously, Jason
landed harmlessly on 1 other player and onto the ground.�
-
On the next play, Taylor took a HO and headed toward RT.� At the snap, Jason did a designed slant
toward the inside.� RG Chris Naeole
simply buried Jason GilDong like a corpse.�
��
-
On� a 2d & 7 at 6:02 2Q, Mack took a
handoff up the gut.� At the snap, Jason
again ran a designed inside stunt.� The
RT, Todd Fordham, simply plowed Jason in the direction of slant�..and plowed
and plowed like the Energizer Bunny.�
��� 
Below,
Fordham rides the brawling "pro bowl" LB like a bronco buster, and
then, at the end, drove Jason the Gimcrack into the Alltel turf.� Mack easily cut behind the plowed-over
GilDong for a couple of yards.� Of course, because this isn't the
"coaches' film" and because we "don't know Jason's
assignment", you can ignore what you see here and totally absolve Big
Jason for his craven effort on this play
��� 
-� A couple plays later, on 3d & 5, Jason did his ever-popular
WLR (wide loop rush) while Brunell faded back to pass.� Jason had a chance to nab Brunell, but
instead -- as is his penchant -- Jason did his patented Flop & Flail and
ended up with nothing but air and his dick in the dirt.�
- On a 2d & 4 at 1:32
2Q, Brunell faded back to pass. Jason ran a designed slant to the inside, and from
there, was untouched and unblocked.�
Brunell then dumped the ball to Taylor for a screen pass, which Aaron
Smith and the untouched Gildon stuffed for a 4-yard loss.� Jason The Illiterate did a good job of
reading this play and got an assist, but given that he was totally untouched
and that Taylor caught the screen pass directly in front of him, this was
hardly a play to fawn over.���
- On a 1st & 10 at
10:18 3Q, Brunell faded back to pass.�
Jason was blocked by one, and only one, blocker, despite the absurd
fallacies written almost daily in the Pittsburgh media that Jason has to fight
through 3 or 4 blockers on each play.�
On this play, Jason got to the QB, but only after the QB had fully
released the pass to Shaw, which was on-target and caught for a nice 17-yard
gainer.
- On the next play, Mack
took a handoff up RT.� Jason was solo
blocked by the RT, Fordham, and literally driven and mauled all the way to the
sideline.� Yes, all the way to
the sideline.�
- On 2d & 10 at 2:25
3Q, Taylor took a HO up RT.� At the
snap, Big Jason was solo blocked by TE Pete Mitchell, the midget TE who
gives up over 20 pounds to Big Jason.�
All Mitchell does on this play, is bully, maul, and then bury The Dong
to the turf, while Taylor scampers by for a 4-yard gain.�
- On a 2d & 2 at 10:57
4Q, Mack too the ball up RT.� At the
snap, Jason the Gimcrack was solo blocked by TE Kyle Brady, and bullied
unmercifully.� Jason was never able to
disengage himself from Brady, who simply whipped and slapped Jason about on
this play.� Mack cruised through the
nice fissure for 3 yards and a critical 1st down.
- A few plays later, on 4th
& 3, Brunell hit Brady for the 43-yard TD.�
What was the team captain/"pro bowler" doing on this
play??����
��� 
As you can see, Jason did a
huge WLR, so much so that he went off the screen.� Yes, that�s what you call �pressuring the QB�, folks.�� This is what $23M buys you -- a weak-assed
pass rush in which the vaunted $23M pansy loops 5 yards BEHIND the QB and doesn�t
do shit to harass, hurry, or disrupt the QB.�
��� 
-
On 1st & 10 at 4:22 4Q, Taylor took a handoff up RG.� At the snap, the LG, Meester, pulled over to
block� Big Jason.� What did the he-man, bruising "pro bowl
LB" do??� He did what any pussy
player would do -- JASON TURNED HIS
BACK.�� Yes, as you can
see below, the big, tough, Jason GilDong turned his back to the blocker
like a COMPLETE COWARD.
��� 
�.a� total PUSSOUT by the supposed
"pro bowl" team captain, Jason The Gimcrack GilDong.� Just look at the 4th photo in the sequence
(below), in which the NFL�s biggest wimp has his back turned to the
guard.� Yellow, putrid,
and pathetic are words that come to mind�.along with chickenshit
and vomit-inducing.
��� 
The
result?� An easy 5-yard gainer by
Taylor.� Of course, because this isn't the "coaches'
film" and because we "don't know Jason's assignment", you can
ignore what you see here and totally absolve Big Jason for his craven effort on
this play.� After all, his assignment
could have been, "LOLB turn his back on whomever blocks him".�
��� 
-
A few plays later, on 2d & 10, Taylor ran wide right.� At the snap, TE K. Brady solo blocked Big
Jason, and then proceeded to maul the living piss out of the he-man pro
bowler.� Brady knocked and belted The
Paper Tiger a good 4 yards from his original spot.� Jason had a crack at Taylor, but meekly flopped & flailed in
another pathetic flailing whiff that Jason is renown for.� Taylor gained an easy 11 yards while Jason
"contained", as the GAA loves to claim.�
��� 
��� 
Yep,
there�s Jason, below, in an all-too-familiar position: down on all fours like a
downtrodden pumperboy.�
-
On the next play, Taylor ran a plunge up RG.�
Aaron Smith made the large bulk of this stop, but Big Jason got a cheesy
assist for his small amount of assistance.�
-
A few plays later, on 1st down at the Pit 25, Taylor took a HO up RT.� At the snap, Big Jason was mauled and
bullied wide by Brady, and Taylor easily sauntered thru the GAPING hole for an 18-yard
gain.��
��� 
�yep,
this is what The GilDongites call �contain��getting
bullied so wide that the RB has an easy time sauntering through a
massive hole.
��� 
-
On the very next play, from the Pit 7-yard line, Brunell faded back on a quick,
short drop and looked to his RIGHT and only his right.� GilDong -- totally oblivious to READING the
QB, especially with the LOS so close the EZ -- blindly did his WLR.� The result?�� Brunell has a huge, open window to complete this pass to the
right for an easy TOUDHDOWN, thanks to the blind, imbecilic loop rushing of one
Jason GilDong.�
��� 
One might think that a 9-year veteran and "pro
bowl" OLB would read and react to such an obvious play, but in the
case of this joke of a linebacker, Jason GilDong couldn't find kitty turds in a
litter box, much less read and react to the obvious actions of a QB.�
To summarize:�
Jason, for the 2nd consecutive game -- had 0 solos and 2
assists .� One assist came when he was
totally untouched, and the other on a cheesy "add on" in which
another defender had already made the initial hit and wrap.� Other than that, Big Jason GilDong didn't do
jack shit the entire game.� 60 minutes
of football, and Jason the Gimcrack contributed about 9 seconds of
perspiration, 2 flailing whiffs, and 3 first downs that he personally allowed.� Two Jax TDs were scored, one in which Jason
was buried & flattened, and another in which Jason foolishly took himself
out of the obvious passing lane with his dumbassed WLR.�
Sacks?� None.�
Hurries?� None.� Hits on the QB?� None.� Forced
turnovers?� None.� Hard hits?�
None.� Meaningful impact
on the game?� None.�
Sure enough, we'll hear
more babble from Ron Cook and The GilDongites, "�but�but
Jason was back in coverage practically the whole game."� No, he was not. Counting plays with flags and
plays in which the QB ran, Jason rushed the QB 16 times, while dropping back in
coverage 12 times and spying twice.�
Jason was given plenty of chances to rush the QB -- facing SOLO blocking
on nearly every pass rush -- and didn�t do jack shit.�� Sure enough, The Gimcrack has the gaul to bitch and moan about
"scheme".� The only problem
with "scheme" is that this coaching staff insists on playing the
overpaid $23M Gimcrack, while better, tougher, hungrier players sit on the
bench.
"But Jason is being
ganged upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.� And very
infrequently, Jason faced some "man & a half" blocking" on
pass rushes.� But sure enough, we'll
hear experts like Ron Cook and members of the GAA, who will tell you how badly
Jason is being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each
and every play.�
It's high time the
Pittsburgh media stopped coddling this sorry slacker and started treating The
Gimcrack for what he is: an overpaid, fraudulent slouch who expends
little energy, does nothing, and is clearly inferior to 3rd-year LB Clark
Haggans.� It's also high time the
supposed captain and leader look in the mirror and start accepting blame and
responsibility, as I
noted last week in response to GilDong's pathetic grouching and bellyaching.�
If anyone doubts the
validity of The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape,
and compare what you observe to what the report covers.� Don't have the game on tape?� Then make it a point to isolate on Big
Jason, and only Big Jason, on perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next
week.� Soon enough, you'll join the
legions of Steeler fans who have finally seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of
The Kong of Dong�The Princess of Cheeze, Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth
about what a fraud this imposter truly is.�
Season to date totals
for Jason, in 12 games:
Earned Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�: 1.5
Bullshit "sacks" on plays that actually netted positive rushing
yardage:� 1
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0�
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 19
First downs allowed: 29
TDs allowed:� 5
