�The
GilDong Report (Divisional Playoff, @ Tenn.)�
In
light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildong's paper
statistics the past 4-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time the past 3
seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon.� Big Jason has been famous enough with his coverage
sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot
his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL designated a new
statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some
fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.)� Again in '02, I'll take time to expose The
Flopper, Jason Gildon, for the fraud that he truly is.
The Stillers lost to the Titans on Saturday, and once again
their defense was the primary culprit.�
And wouldn't ya know it -- the "team leader" and defensive
captain, Jason GilDong, did absolutely nothing the entire game and had one of
the most pedestrian, uninspired efforts by a Stiller linebacker in the past 25
years.� Jason GilDong finished the game
3 solos & 1 assists -- not the 4 solos & 0 A that were
advertised in the post-game box score -- plus an enormous, season-high
assortment of flopping and flailing.�
{Speaking
of stats, we've expanded our "Dong stats" for the 2002 season.� In addition to the ever popular, generally
accepted dong principles (GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong
Sack, we're added a few more for this season, specifically to aid in the
accurate tracking of Jason GilDong's value (or lack thereof) to the team.� These new stats are:
- Flailing
whiffs.� Jason, the renown master of
the Flop & Flail, has done this with such frequency and adroitness
that this stat is a surefire addition to the NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include the infamous Flop
& Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then feebly flails, as well
as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted flails against
ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL tackler who
actually knows something about technique, balance, and hitting.�
- 1st
downs allowed.� 1st downs are the
piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the offense to chew clock, win
field position, and move the ball into scoring range.� Personally allowing a first down is an egregious boner that
allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field and forces the defense to
stay out longer.
- TDs
allowed.� Obviously, the bottom line
in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a TD is such a bad play that about
12 sacks are required to even come close to atoning for it.}�
In chrono order, here's a
recap of Big Jason's game versus Tenn:
- On the very first play
from scrimmage, McNair threw a quick "backwards" pass to Mason, who
then ran around the left end of the Stiller defense for an easy 16 yards.� Where was the big he-man, Jason Gildon, on this
play?�� He was chopped down as easily as
the cherry tree that George Washington befelled.� Despite having seen this same type of easy chopdown of Jason at
least 95 times in his pathetic career, I'm still amazed at how this LB with
supposedly "great athleticism" gets chopped down as easily as a dead
sapling.��
- A few plays later, on 2d
& 5, RB Freddie George ran the ball up RG.�
Jason spent the play titty-fighting with the backup TE, Erron Kinney,
and George ran right by the Titty-fighter Extraordinaire, Jason GilDong, for a
9-yard gainer.�
- On 2d & 10 at 6:59
1Q, George took a handoff up LG.� At the
snap, Jason slanted to the inside, and slithered by the backup TE, Erron
Kinney.� George hit a scrum of players,
and basically fell into the scrum and to the turf.� Jason came over and got a partial tackle -- by no means a solo
tackle by any stretch of the term.�
Unbelievably, The Cheeze Eater was awarded a solo for this cheesy
slop-stop.�
- 1-10-PIT34
5:36 1Q.� Just after the ball was
snapped on this routine running play, look what the big he-man "team
captain" does:� he turns his
back.�
��� 
�Yes, amid the cries of
"You're too hard on Gildon" and "You don't have access to the
coach's films", we see full-color proof of the fraudulent linebacker
pussing out and turning his back like the yellow coward that he is.� And this wasn't some mauling guard or tackle
that Jason turned his back towards.� No,
the blocker Big Jason turned his back towards was seldom-used backup FB Mike
Green.���
With Jason lying on the
grass like a turd, Eddie George saunters by for an easy 4-yard gain.�
��� 
- On the very next play, on
a 2nd & 6, McNair faded back to pass.�
Jason, as he did the entire game, got no pressure or push against the
RT, Fred Miller.� McNair was flushed
from the pocket (not by Jason, of course), and ILB L. Foote got a decent piece
of McNair, which sent the QB stumbling ahead.�
Big Jason then moseyed over and jumped atop the stumbling McNair from
the side & back for the easy-as-pie solo slop-stop.�� Wow.�
What a great play.� Stop the
presses.� Headlines: "Gildon jumps
atop stumbling QB for solo tackle".�
- Two plays later, on a 1st
& 10 at the 14, George ran the ball up RT.�
At the snap, Fred Miller engages Big Jason�
��� 
�.the
mauling continues�.
��� 
..and
it continues even beyond the 5th photo, below.�
Jason was mauled back to the 8-yard line -- a full 6 yards -- and got a
slop assist the end of the run.�
But always remember, according
to The GilDongites: "Jason has contain�."
- 1-10-TEN17
9:29 2Q.� McNair attempted a short out
to Bennett.� Jason had dropped into that
little piss-ant zone, and (below) had a perfect chance at an easy INT�
�
�Note
that even when Big Jason jumps in the air, he's as duckfooted and clumsy as
Daffy Duck�.
�like
the clumsy simpleton that he is, Jason allows the ball to clang off his hands,
and into the hands of Benny for a 4-yard reception.�
This should come as no
surprise to intelligent Stiller fans, of course.� Jason has one (1) career INT, and that came last year, when Kitna
was hit by both Bell and Porter, which flopped the ball high into the air and
in the direction of no one else but GilDong, and Jason practically fair-caught
the easy INT (although it was challenged by Cinci for allegedly hitting the
ground, but a lineman was in the way of the best camera angle).� The 3-4 defense is supposed to have
versatile, athletic linebackers.� Why,
then, is Jason even on the roster?
- 1-10-TEN8
6:47 2Q.� At the snap, George took a
handoff and headed straight up the gut, while you can see Big Jason GilDong --
the fearsome monster linebacker -- being totally neglected�
..George ran into his own man, and without a visible hole to run
through, George bounced it right�.right into the waiting arms of Jason GilDong,
who was just standing around with his thumbs up each orifice�
��� 
�For
the 4th time in the half -- and the last time in the game -- Jason turned up on
the stat sheet by way of a cheesy slop-stop.�
-
Two plays later, Holcomb took a handoff up RT on 3d & 9.� All Jason GilDong did on this play, was
titty-fight and square dance with RT Fred Miller, and Holcombe dashed right by
for an 11-yard gain and the critical 1st down.�
- On 1st & 10 at 3:09
2Q, the backup RB, Robert Holcomb, ran up his right tackle.� At the snap, Joggin' Jason was bullied off
the LOS by the backup TE, Erron Kinney, a full 3-yards, which created the room
for Holcombe to gain an easy 3 yards.�
Fortunately, Flowers made the stop.�
- 2-7-50 2:28 2Q. McNair faded back to pass.� While Jason "The Big Bullrusher"
was doing nothing except pawing and groping at the RT's tits, Townsend and
Foote harassed and then flushed McNair�.�
�.the big he-man, Jason GilDong,
appears to have McNair gobbled up and ready to be dumped�.
��
�but
instead, it was Big Jason GilDong who took a dump�
�with
his patented Flop N' Flail and a pathetic flailing whiff.�� Jason was left in one of his more popular
positions, down on all 4's and begging for more from Freddie Miller.
- 2-3-PIT45
12:05 3Q.� McNair faded back to
pass.� As you can see, Big� Jason is blocked by one man (RT F. Miller),
not the 2 or 3 blockers that are supposedly ganging up on Jason on each play�
��
�McNair
scrambles right by Jason, who has an easy chance to nab the QB for a loss�
..but as is his penchant,
Jason does his patented Flop N' Flail�and McNair easily scrambles
for a 2-yard gain instead of a 5-yard loss.
��� 
Here's
a back-angle view of this hilarious boner by Jason�
��� 
�.Below, instead of delivering a
blow, Jason assumes his favorite position -- kneeling down on all fours,
blowing hard.� Perhaps that's why
Jason's known around the league as The Big Blowhard.
��� 
- 3-12-PIT24
5:53 4Q.� McNair faded back to pass,
while Jason rushed against RG Benji Olson, who solo blocked the Big
Bullrusher��
��� 
�Sure
enough, Big Jason gets shoved to the ground like the playground sissy, and once
again ends up in his favorite position, down on all 4's with his head
down and his ass in the air�
�
..Jason
(red line) got up, only to once again Flop & Flail at
McNair�
�It's a bit tough to see in
this photo, but The Flopper (red line) flailed away at McNair like a windmill,
whiffing miserably.� Because of Jason's
whiff, McNair was able to get off an incomplete pass, and instead of perhaps a
47 or 48-yard FG try, Nedney booted a 42-yard FG on the next play to tie the
game.� This is what flopping and
flailing can do to a team scratching for its playoff life.
-
1-10-TEN11 2:42 4Q.�
Holcomb took a handoff and headed up the gut, but with no hole, he
bounced it to the right, where Jason had been solo blocked by Wycheck.� Jason had a clear and easy shot at the
backup RB�
��� 
..but
as is his penchant, he flops n' flails at Holcomb's feet, and whiffs badly,
which allows Holcomb to get a solid 4-yard gainer.
��� 
Yep,
that Jason Gildon -- what a stud.� What
a he-man.� Supposedly the �team leader�,
he spent more time on his knees in this game than a Tibetan monk.
-
1-10-PIT49 0:42 4Q.�
McNair faded back to pass, while Jason was solo blocked by the
RT, Miller.� As you can see below,
Miller -- who'd spent the entire day abusing and punishing GilDong like a
redheaded stepchild -- begins to grab the big he-man by the scruff of the neck�
�
�McNair
scramble by Big Jason, while Miller continues the abuse by practically dragging
the big he-man by the scruff of the neck and the back of the helmet�
..McNair
gains 5 yards, while Jason meekly disengages from Miller�
��� 
Could
a flag have been thrown?�
Absolutely.� Nevertheless, the
good pass rusher doesn't allow himself to be dragged around by the scruff of
his neck.� The good pass rusher doesn't allow
himself to get so close in the midst of titty-fighting that the opposing
blocker can easily reach around and grab the scruff of the neck.� The good pass rusher and the real football
player isn't such a clumsy weakling that he isn't capable of easily chopping
away the blocker's arm on a play like this.�
The ref might very well have wanted to throw the flag�but the hilarity
of this play probably caused the ref to double over with laughter.
-
On the very next play, on 2d & 5, McNair threw a terribly low
"backwards" pass to Mason. Meanwhile, Big Jason was in a perfect
position to come up and blast Mason�
..Instead,
The Flopper starts his duckfooted stumbling�
��� 
�and
Mason leaves Jason with his jock in the dirt and bent over like a little old
lady�.
�Jason
ended up getting picked off and doing nothing, while the rest of his teammates earned
their salary and stopped Mason for a short gain and prevented him from getting
OOB.
To summarize:�
Jason had 3 solos -- not the 4 as listed in the box score -- and 1
assist, all of which came in the 1st half and all of which were as cheesy as
the factory that produces Cheetos.� To
sum up Jason's solos:
- cheesy slop-solo on gut
run in which RB ran and dove into a scrum, which should have been, at best, an assist.
- slop-solo on stumbling QB
who'd mostly been downed by another LB.�
- slop-solo on a play in
which the RB tried the middle, and then bounced it wide due to a total
jam-up, and ran into a standing-and-waiting Gildon, who'd been totally
neglected by the Titan blocking scheme.
- slop-assist after getting
mauled 6 yards off the LOS.
That was it.� Big hits?� None.��
Big impact?� None.� Harassment on the QB?� None.�
Leadership?� Absolutely
none.� But Jason did finish with a
season-high 5 Flops N' Flails, and spent
more time on his knees than a male Las Vegas prostitute.�� With all the talk about Joe Nedney�s flop,
it�s amazing that people forget the utterly ridiculous amount of flopping
that was done by The Flopper, Jason GilDong.�
Sure enough, we'll hear
more babble from Ron Cook, Ed Bouchette, and The GilDongites,
"�but�but Jason was back in coverage practically the whole
game."� No, he was not. Counting
plays in which the QB ran, Jason rushed the QB 25 times, while dropping back in
coverage 23 times.� In all that coverage
work, Jason defended all of one pass, and that was the cake-easy INT that he
clumsily allowed to clang off his hands.�
"But Jason is being
ganged upon by opponents�.he has to beat double and triple teams every play to
get to the QB."� Once again,
another pathetic, baldfaced fallacy that has exactly zero grounding in fact.� Jason performed some designed stunts, in
which he stunted to the inside, and sometimes he ran into a "2nd
blocker" (such as the center) who threw a jab while helping both the LG
and RG with protection.�� Very rarely
during the entire game, Jason was "double-teamed" on a pass rush by a
RB and the RT.� And as we saw time after
time after time after time, Tenn chose to either solo block Big Jason or
leave him totally unblocked, which you've seen in many of the photos
above.� But sure enough, we'll hear
experts like Ron Cook and members of the GAA, who will tell you how badly Jason
is being picked on with a phalanx of blockers hitting him on each and
every play.� Rest assured, not one of
those "experts" will step up and state that Jason was being solo
blocked or simply left alone.���
And, as we learned last
month, a new excuse has been invented by the Pittsburgh media.� The first part of the season, the #1
lame-assed excuse was, "Jason is back in coverage all the time".� We here at Stillers.com easily dispelled
that load of bull.� Then came,
"Jason is being gang-blocked by 2, 3, even 4 blockers on every
play."� Again, we made a mockery of
that fairy tale.� Then it was "the
scheme"�it was all Timmy Lewis' fault that all the other LBs were hitting
and making plays, while Jason was AVOIDING contact and pussing out.� Now, the new excuse-de-jour for Jason
GilDong is, "Jason needs to get back to the bull rush."�� You saw Jason during this Titans game, and
you've seen the photos�.and not once was Jason's big, bad bullrush any
more effective than a broken prophylactic.�
Bullrush??� Looks (and smells)
more like bullshit to me.
Of course, there's always
someone in the local media willing to sing GilDong's praises, no matter how
sorry and overpaid The Dong is.� Wrote
Ron Cook in the PG about a month ago: "That's why it was so encouraging
to see what Jason Gildon did yesterday. He's a Steelers defensive captain and
their most indispensable defensive player. Unjustly dogged much of the season
as a big-money bust, he took it upon himself to make sure the Carolina offense
had no chance. "� Yes, sure.�
Jason is the team's most indispensable player.� He was so indispensable that he was thoroughly invisible
for the first 12 games of the season -- and "unjustly dogged",
according to Ron Cook -- and only by virtue of facing creampuffs in the two
worst offenses in the NFL has Jason GilDong become remotely visible.� Jason was really "indispensable"
against the Titans; in fact, I cannot fathom how the Stillers could have
possibly won that game were it not for the superhuman efforts and heroism of
Big Jason GilDong on those 3 cheezy slop-solos.�
If anyone doubts the
validity of The GilDong Report, then go ahead and re-watch the game on tape,
and compare what you observe to what the report covers.� Don't have the game on tape?� Then make it a point to isolate on Big
Jason, and only Big Jason, on perhaps 40% (or more) of the plays next season.� Soon enough, you'll join the legions of
Steeler fans who have finally seen through the ridiculous fa�ade of The Kong of
Dong�The Princess of Cheeze, Jason GilDong�.and now know the truth about
what a fraud this imposter truly is.�
Playoff totals for
Jason, in 2 games:
Earned Sacks: 0
Dong Sacks�: 0�
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0
INTs caused: 0
INTs made: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 8
First downs allowed: 4���
TDs allowed:� 1/2
** Also see the 2002 Season-in-review
GilDong Report
