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Bye Week Beat

October 31, 2009 by Palmer Sucks

Bye Week Beat

Bye Week Beat

Random Rants by PalmerSucks

October 31, 2009

Jonesing for the Stillers this bye weekend? Grab a six of Irons and head for your nearest DVR. But first, check out these little musings.

As I said in the Vikes game preview:

Of course, this being October still, we should expect the good Favre. The Stiller D, criticized of late, remains stubborn in the most important stat category of all: points allowed. This means bend, don�t break, and no prob for Favre to connect as long as the TDs are held to a minimum.�

And so we did get the better Favre, who put up a 300-yarder against the Stillers last Sunday. Don�t let that fool you, though, as most of those yards came between the twenties, and the defense continued to hold the opposition�s scoring down.

The fact that that Minnesota�s offense put up a paltry 10 points should�ve meant this one was a cakewalk, but wasn�t, thanks to a DUMBFUCK game plan that outlawed any pass over 10 yards. This DUMBFUCK strategy meant the Stillers refused to hit the Vikings at their weakest point � their pass D -- specifically, Karl Paymah, Antoine Winfield�s understudy, who had been lit up by stinkinJoe Flacco the week before.

Of course, the Stillers promptly ignored Paymah like a hot chick at a gay bar. Out went the deep ball, in came the 3-step drop � what, are the Stillers that terrified of Minnesota�s pass rush? Even if they were, it should�ve become apparent things would be fine as Max Starks turned Jared Allen into a non-factor. But no, the DUMBFUCK Stillers offense went back to the dink-dunk even after Benji had tossed the deep TD pass right before the half. With a DUMBFUCK plan that had Roethlisberger stand there like a statue, tossing the short stuff all afternoon.

Mind you, a 27-17 win over a 6-0 squad is perfectly acceptable � but not when you need two scores on defense to do it. Had the Stillers not called such a DUMBFUCK game, the offense could�ve put up four TDs itself.

Note to coordinator: when you see a struggling wounded animal, you don�t wrap it in a blanky and rock it to sleep. You shoot the thing and put it out of its misery. Otherwise, you open yourself up to a lot of pain and suffering yourself.


You want something to panic over? How about the so-called �kickoff coverage�? That�s 2 TDs to the opposition in two weeks � unacceptable. Why there isn�t more of an outcry over this I can�t understand. Oh and next Monday? Eddie Royals. Maybe I shouldn�t have spoken so soon.


I�ve been rough on James Failure lately, so I guess I owe it to you to acknowledge he had a pretty fair game on Sunday. Believe it or not, I hope he has more good games, many more, and I�m wrong about him all year. But somehow I doubt it will happen. Stay tuned.


Now that the Bungals are winning, I�ve been hearing a lot of �looks like Carson Palmer�s finally back� talk, which, as you can imagine, irritates me no end. That�s Carson Palmer, the Choker, the Gagger, the Throat Roadblock, the Heimlich Pirate. Believe me, the Bungals success has nothing to do with Cornholio, and everything to do with their NUMBER ONE RUNNING GAME. Just as it did back in �05.

Don�t believe me? Here are some numbers for you to ponder:

Rudi Johnson������������������������� Carson Palmer��������������������������� Bengals Record

Yr.�������� Yds.���������������������������� Yr.��� Rating

2004��� 957������������������������������ 2004�� 77.3������������ �����������������������8-8

2005��� 1454���������������������������� 2004��� 101.1�������������������������������� 11-5������

2006��� 1458��������������������������� 2006��� 93.9����������������������������������� 8-8

2007��� 497�������������������������� ���2007��� 86.7����������������������������������� 7-9���


Surprise, surprise: Palmer�s rating rises and falls with Johnson�s yard output almost to a tee. Nor does Palmer�s performance by itself drive the Bengals� record, as they finished with a worse record in �07 than �04, a year when Palmer�s rating was actually higher.

It was Rudi Johnson who was driving the Bengals� offensive success back then, just as Cedric Benson�s doing now. The fact is, Palmer can�t carry a team with his arm alone, unlike say, Ben Roethlisberger, who�s actually led the Stillers through playoff runs with Willie Parker averaging a miserable under-3-yards a carry (as he did back in �05). The Texans stopped Benson a couple weeks ago, and Palmer couldn�t overcome them. This is a guy who is carried by his running game. Will they never learn? The true �game manager� QB has always been Carson Palmer.

Yeah, Palmer�s �back� all right � to a bunch of DUMBFUCKS who don�t know any better. Personally I find his selection as AFC Offensive Player of the Week well� offensive. If anyone earned it, it was Benson with his 189-yard monster effort against a stout Bears run defense. But just like back in �05, Palmer will get all the credit. Amazing.


Yeah, I know it�s early, but I�m going to say the winner of next year�s Bowl comes from the AFC again. Looks like the N.Y. Giants have taken a step down (for those of you keeping score in the Ben-Eli debate, Ben�s done fine without Burress, Eli� not so much.)

Likewise after Sunday, I think the N.O. Saints are nothing if not overrated. Sure, the TV types are all over the great �comeback� (which only happened because Miami, like a bunch of DUMBFUCKS, abandoned the Wildcat which was crushing the life out of the Saints). What I see, though, is a defense that�s been exposed to anyone with the will to stick with their running game.

Not to mention that every DUMBFUCK�s favorite QB, Drew Brees, looked more than a little shaky for a good part of that game. Brees, the fantasy favorite, has yet to win a truly big game in his NFL career. The Saints will make a run this season, but look for Brees to become the next Donovan McGag. As for the Vikings, they failed the Stillers test, and as I showed last week, come December Brett Favre becomes Brett Fader.


Attention New York City Stillers fans: I�m told the place to catch the game is at Beckett�s, 81 Pearl Street in Manhattan. Ask for Rudy�s Crew, and wear your black-and-gold gear for extra sweet service. Let me know if you have your own special spot to watch the game outside �tahn.�

Anyway, no Stillers this weekend, but we do get the Favre Homecoming. Let�s see if Green Bay settles for the short stuff against these guys. I bet not.

Still bummed out? You�ve always got these two to get you over that rainbow:


Question, comment or threat? Send �em off to Sorry if I can�t answer every one personally, of course.

(The views of PalmerSucks are not necessarily those of, but should be.)




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