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The Gildon Report - Dec. 1st

December 01, 1999 by Still Mill


The Gildong Report

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildongļæ½s 11 sacks last season --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I'm devoting some time this season to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL has designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.)

Allow me to segue into this week's report, by stating up front that as the season began, I had a slight concern that my energy for the Gildong Report would fade as the season progressed. I typically don't like doing the same thing, day in and day out, so to speak. (In fact, I almost never run the same route 2 days in a row, which drives some running partners crazy.) I thought that it would be somewhat likely that my interest, and others', in this weekly report would wane. And, frankly, I didn't think it would be much fun typing up this kind of report on a weekly basis; I kinda figured it would be more drudgery than anything.

As it often happens, I was wrong. The Gildong Report has been a sheer joy to type each week.

And, the report is getting easier and easier to write. It's gotten to the point, that if I really wanted to skimp on my labor, I could pull up last week's report --- change a couple small items --- and voila, it's done.

Last week at Tennessee, for example, Gildong did NOTHING. No tackles, no assists, no sacks, no pressures, no hits.

This week was nearly a carbon copy. Gildon came as close to doing nothing as can be accomplished by a starting LB in the National Football League. He finished with a whopping 1 solo stop, 1 assist, 0 sacks, and 0 pressures, in 65 plays from scrimmage. Sixty five. In 2 games, spanning 123 plays, that's a TOTAL of 1 solo stop and 1 assist.

Just like last week, it goes beyond the stats. First, Gildong ONLY solo stop came on a little 7-yard curl-out by WR Jackson. That's IT.

It was readily apparent that Cinci had every intention of exploiting Gildon's weak run-stuffing ability (or lack thereof). On the very first play from scrimmage, the Bengals ran Dillon up RT, and TE McGee had an EASY time pushing Gildon out. This established a trend for the rest of the game, in which Cinci virtually never wasted the RT to block Gildon on ground plays; instead, a lone FB or lone TE easily manhandled Gildon and the RT was able to be used elsewhere. Cosslet isn't too bright, but give him credit for economizing his blockers. Why waste a 44-Magnum bullet to shoot a housecat? The number of times that Cinci was able to run around Jason, or at him, was sickening. Time and time and time again, McGee treated Gildon like his own private little bitch, rudely pushing him around and casually shielding him from the running lane as easy as pie. Gildon, in all of this, gently titty-fought and never once offered any kind of stiff resistance. Basnight's 35-yard run was this exact play, in which Gildon never once tried to help seal the gaping hole up RT, and Basnight easily bolted thru for the big gainer. Related to all of this, I had to go to the doctor this week. It turns out, my esophagus is severely "burned", to put it in layman's terms. The doc asked me if I had been vomiting at all recently. In fact, I had --- 5 times on Monday evening, while watching the video of the Bengal game in which Gildon imitated someone of a gender that squats when they urinate. It turns out that the excessive vomiting caused the hydrochloric acid in my stomach to burn my esophagus. I'm no scientist or doctor; this is just what the doc told me.

The poor run support was revolting enough. The pass pressure Gildong created was less than the pressure created by a farting mouse. Gildon either did The Wide Loop Rush, the wasteful Spin Rush, or he titty fought, and he never once got any quick or semi-quick pressure on Blake. On 1 play, Blake scooted from inside pressure after surveying the field a while, and Gildon came under his man and toward Blake. But Gildon failed to keep outside contain, and Blake easily juked around the clumsy Gildon for a 5-yard gain. On another Blake scramble, Gildon had an easy chance to corral Blake at the line of scrimmage, but oafishly allowed Blake to break his ankle-grab, and Blake scooted away for a nice 11-yard gain.

Then there's the 3rd and 2 play, on the 3rd play from scrimmage. Blake faked the play action pass, then mini-rolled to his right and completed the long bomb to Scott for the 1st TD. On this play, Gildong jumped on the play-fake like a dog after a t-bone steak. Because Jason got swindled and confused so badly, Blake had loads of time and room to set up shop and heave the ball before a blitzing Flowers could get to him.

In all, this was one of the biggest sack o' dung efforts Jason Gildon has given us in his career. (Gee, that's funny and ironic, using the word "sack" in the same sentence as "Jason Gilon".) Sure, there's been a lot of woeful games in Gildon's career, but this one surely has to rank pretty high. A totally pitiful, unacceptably slovenly effort by Jason Gildong, the mythical "pro bowler" and "sack monger".

Season to date totals for Jason:

Earned Sacks: 2
Dong Sacks™: 5.5
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1

The Still Mill 

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