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The Gildon Report -- Dec. 22

December 23, 1999 by Still Mill

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The Gildong Report

In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason Gildongļæ½s 11 sacks last season --- despite only 2 being anywhere near "earned sacks" --- I'm devoting some time this season to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason Gildon. Jason has been famous enough with his coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL has designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack™", in honor of Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their point systems.)

As I alluded to a few weeks ago, the Gildong Report is getting easier and easier to write. It's gotten to the point, that if I really wanted to skimp on my labor, I could pull up last week's report --- change a couple small items --- and voila, it's done.

Five weeks ago at Tennessee, for example, Gildong did NOTHING. No tackles, no assists, no sacks, no pressures, no hits.

Four weeks ago, Gildon came as close to doing nothing as can be accomplished by a starting LB in the National Football League. He finished with a whopping 1 solo stop, 1 assist, 0 sacks, and 0 pressures, in 65 plays from scrimmage. Sixty five.

A few weeks ago at Jax was another ghost-like disappearing act by Casper Gildon. In 73 plays from scrimmage --- in which Gildon was on the field for EVERY one of those plays, Gildon recorded 4 solo tackles -- 3 in garbage time at game's end.

The loss 2 weeks ago to the Ravens was more of the same old stuff. Gildon came awfully close to wearing his favorite accessory --- THE COLLAR --- with a quiet-as-a-mouse-taking-a-crap 0 solos, 2 assist "performance".

The KC loss was a bit more productive for the Invisible Man, Jason Gildon. He was credited with 4 solos, 2 assists, and a sack.

At first glance, this practically looks like a "career game" for Gildon. Given his pedestrian play the past 6 weeks, it was amazing to see his name on the scoresheet, but it was far from a career day.

Gildon recorded a sack at 14:07 of the 3d quarter, on a 3d & 7. He rushed only slightly wide, then came sharply toward the QB (imagine that -- Gildon taking a DIRECT route to the QB ??!!). The KC RT, Victor Riley (surely you've seen him annually at the Pro Bowl and various award dinners, etc.), clumsily stumbled for a second, and Gildon was able to seize the moment and plod his way to Grbac, who was overly-patiently looking for a receiver. It took 4 seconds for The Dong to reach Grbac, which tells you there was sufficient time to release the ball to someone. But, holding a lead at home, Grbac decided to take the sack rather than pull a "Tomczak" and force a hideous pass. This was a toughie to call, but the committee decided to give Gildon an "earned" sack on this one, rather than the Dong label. To be sure, it was very close call, but since Riley didn't perform like, say, Chris Conrad on this play, Gildon gets the nod for an earned sack.

This was actually the LONE bright spot for Gildon all day. In a fit of hilarity, Gildon spent the rest of the day trying to either imitate a jester, a jackass, or a blundering fool.

For example, Gildon --- in his 6th (sixth) season in the NFL --- was totally duped by play-fakes on THREE occasions versus KC. THREE times. And I'm not talking about a player taking an extra step, and then reading the play and getting back in position. I'm talking about Gildon jumping on the play fake hook, line, and sinker --- moving 4, 5, even 6 steps towards the play-fake like a hungry dog after a pork chop. The 1st occurred on the final play of the 1st quarter. Grabac faked the gut plunge, then handed off to Horn on the end-around. Gildon was thoroughly faked on this play, and only Chad Scott's solid open-field tackle prevented this from being any longer than an 8-yard gain. What was hilarious, was watching this on video, and watching Jason CONTINUE after the RB while literally having to AVOID Steeler defenders who were chasing after Horn. It looked exactly like a car being driven the wrong way down a 1-way street, and the driver either not knowing or not caring. At about 8:15 of the 3d qtr, Grabac ran a play-fake, and reverse booted to his right, and completed a short pass to Alex, who was stuffed by Lee and Earl. Gildon jumped ALL OVER this play fake, and Grbac was totally unfettered by any OLB harassment on this play. The 3rd such play was, of course, the 82-yeard TD on the end around. This was the EXACT same play that KC ran with Horn on the final play of the 1st quarter. Gildon -- remember, this is a SIX-YEAR veteran -- ONCE AGAIN jumped all over the play-fake to the RB & was sucked in like water in a Wet Vac, which left Alex with easy accessibility to the outside. Three plays -- all designed by KC to take advantage of a clumsy OLB who's play-reading comprehension is no higher than a 3rd grade level.

Ah, that 82-year reverse. Let's not forget the rest of that play. Chad Scott did a sound job of stringing the play wide and holding off center Grunhard. Alex had to slow up considerably while the Grunhard/Scott standoff occurred, which allowed budding pro-bowler Gildon (who was never touched by a blocker) AMPLE time to get back in the play. Gildon came roaring down the line of scrimmage, and had Alex --- a man he outweighs by 30 pounds -- dead in his sights. This was a play that EVERY quality LB dreams of --- a WR stuttering and waiting, and then cutting back against the grain; the same grain that the LB is flying hard from. However, Gildong -- as is his nature -- pussyfooted as he closed in on Alex, thus losing his advantage of a timely and accurate angle. Alex bolted upfield, and Gildon meekly dove and flailed at Alex's feet as the dirt from Alex's cleats ended up in Jason's teeth. Gildon got a couple fingers on Alex, but that was it, and a 3-yard gain swelled into an 82-yard backbreaking touchdown.

If only that were all. There's more. At 8:50 of the 2d, Grbac dumped off a valve pass to RB Cloud in the flat. Cloud juked Gildon so badly, that Gildon's jock ended up next door at Kaufmann Stadium. A 6-yard gain turned into a 12-yard gain and a 1st down.

Then there's Gonzo's 2d TD catch. On a 1st and goal from the 1, KC play-faked to Bam, and Grbac mini-rolled right. Gildon, the savvy 6-year pro, ended up in NO MAN's LAND on this play. He didn't cover Gonzalez slipping into the EZ, nor did he rush the passer. He JUST STOOD THERE, with thumb up a crevice of some sort, and did NOTHING. Oh, sure, he jumped up to bat the pass, but Grbac easily just plopped a lob over Gildon & into Gonzo's arms. What was hilarious on this play was the overly clumsy & awkward way Gildon jumped and landed, and then he just sat there for several seconds in sullen confusion.

Here were Gildon's 4 tackles:

1. The short valve dump to Cloud, as noted. I think this may have been recorded as a solo, though (since he was beaten and abused so badly) he had help, so the scorers could have called it an assist.

2. At 5:30 of the 2d, KC ran this goofy misdirection toss sweep to RB Cloud. Grbac sort of faked a handoff/pitch to his left, then pitched right to Cloud. It was a very weak play that didn't even fool the drunk sitting 78 rows back. Anyways, Gildon was left entirely untouched and unblocked, and he made the solo stop.

3. On Kc's 1st play of the 2d half, Richardson ran up the gut, and then stuttered and juked and bounced to his right. Gildon -- AGAIN totally UNTOUCHED and unblocked, made the solo stop.

4. The sack, as previously noted.

5. At 10:58 of the 3rd, Bam ran the ball up RG. Gildon slanted in on this play, and while clumsily falling off-balance toward the ground, happened to get hit by Bam. This was either recorded as a solo or an assist.

That's IT. Anyone notice a trend of

a. ) Opponents oftentimes choosing to leave Gildong unblocked ???

b.) Gildong making the vast majority of his tackles on unblocked plays ??

As far as any consistent pass pressure, Gildon provided NONE. On plays in which he rushed, the distance between he and the QB was no less than the length of your average American garage.

The shame of this game was that, just when Emmons started to act like he stands rather than squats when urinating, he reverted back to his girlie style of play that earned him the nickname of "Carla".

Emmons recorded a paltry 1 solo the entire game. His play was soft, sickly, slackly, and sluggish. The scrub of the videotape revealed a plethora of half-hearted, half-assed play by Carla Enema.

Remember the 3d & 20 toss sweep, which netted 25? That play was Emmons' play to make. He got blocked out, but still had a chance to make the stop 3 yards shy of the sticks. However, he feebly grabbed at the RB, and the RB busted out of Carla's arms like a rhino breaking out of a paper sack.

On KC's 1st drive, they faced a 3d & 4. Grbac hit Alex, who was guarded by Carla -- on a short crosser, and Alex easily sped away from Carla for a 20-yard gain.

On the Alex TD reverse, Carla was inexplicably 38 --- THIRTY EIGHT -- yards downfield, getting blocked by WR Lockett. Carla was able to FINALLY disengage himself from his little titty-fight with Lockett, but then clumsily stumbled as Alex approached him, and Alex again easily sped by for the TD.

The play right before the reverse was sickening. Richardson ran a gut run, and was nearly stopped for a loss by Henry. Rich then saw ACRES of room around left end, so he cruised 'round the end for an easy 8-yard gain. On this play, Emmons was blocked from 2-yard OUTSIDE of his RIGHT hash (ie, the KC LEFT hash), to just inches away from the OTHER hash. I kid you not --- Tony Gonzalez CAVED The Enema in a distance of about the length of 2 pool tables. And this was not an aberration -- this happened ALL DAY LONG. This easy 8-yarder set up a 2d & 2. The only plays you can't run well on 2d & 2 are the punt, the field goal, and the onsides kick. Everything else is fair game on 2d & 2, and KC wisely tried the reverse since they had little to lose. People wonder why our defense is 28th in the NFL in rushing -- it's partially because we have an OLB in Carla Enema who is getting pushed 18 feet from his initial spot by a solo-blocking tight end.

All in all, just another day at the office from the Pitter Pat Brothers, Jason Gildong & Carla Enema.

Season to date totals for Jason, in 13 games:

Earned Sacks: 3
Dong Sacks™: 5.5
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 1

The Still Mill 

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