�� The 2003
Bye Week GilDong Report� 
In light of many a fan being bamboozled and ga-ga over Jason
Gildong's paper statistics the past 5-plus seasons, I've devoted considerable time
the past 4 seasons to monitor the work of the exceptionally average Jason
Gildon.� (Click here to read the 2002 season-in-review GilDong Report)� Big Jason has been famous enough with his
coverage sacks, flop sacks, the QB-slipped-on-the-wet-turf sacks, the OT
totally forgot his blocking assignment sacks, and so on, that the NFL
designated a new statistic, called the "Dong Sack�", in honor of
Jason Gildong. (Some fantasy football leagues are incorporating this into their
point systems.) Again in '03, we'll take time to expose Jason Gildon for the
fraud that he truly is.
As faithful readers here can attest to, each week during the
entire season we pore through every inch of tape to review the work of Big
Jason Gildon, the fearsome OLB of the Stillers. (Each Gildong Report is
available for your perusal here on the Stillers.com web site.)� This report is without peer in the world of
sports reporting, as no analyst in America studies the tape of The Paper Tiger
nor of the Pittsburgh Stillers to the extent this analyst has.� Some so-called analysts and �insiders� do
nothing more than look at the boxscsore the following day; this one puts in the
time, the rigorous research, the football knowledge, and the elbow grease to
study the game in a manner that it's supposed to be studied.�
This past week was a bye week, but ironically enough, it
made no difference to Jason GilDong.�
Because he does virtually nothing during a real game, there's no
distinguishable difference in what GilDong produces during a game and what he
produces during a bye week.� Either way,
in terms of on-field impact and productivity, it's the big GOOSE EGG.� The only real difference between covering
Jason in a regular game and in a bye week, is that in a bye week, there's no
hilarious photos to be had of Jason flopping to his knees like a hungry
crackwhore, or of Jason feebly pawing away at the breasts of an undersized FB
while a ballcarrier dashes by, or of Jason looping 19 yards behind the QB on one
of his vaunted �bull rushes�.�
The table below, exclusive to Stillers.com,
summarizes each of Jason Gildong's games thus far in 2003, as well as his
productivity -- or lack thereof -- in each contest:
|
Sack�� # |
Game |
Opp. |
Game Time |
Down/ Dist. |
Whom beat |
Added Description |
Result |
Jar or strip |
Earned/ Dong |
Additional notes |
# plays Rushing the QB |
# plays in coverage |
|
0 |
1 |
Balt. |
none |
N/A |
no one |
Faced RT Ethan Brooks & Orlando Brown |
N/A |
none |
---- |
Had 1 solo, 1 A -- not the
2 solos as stated in boxscore |
28 |
20 |
|
0 |
2 |
@ KC |
none |
N/A |
no one |
Faced
RT John Tait |
N/A |
none |
---- |
2 solo, 0 A |
10 |
15 |
|
0 |
3 |
@ Cinci |
none |
N/A |
no one |
Faced RT Willie Anderson |
N/A |
none |
---- |
Made 1 solo all day, and
fortuitous INT off of Chad Scott pass deflection |
20 |
10 |
|
1 |
4 |
Tenn. |
1:52 2Q |
3d & 13 |
RT Fred Miller |
Faced RT Fred Miller. McNair took foolish 10-yard drop, and GilDong looped around RT and ankle-grabbed the QB. |
Sack, -3 |
none |
Earned (marginal) |
Made 3 solos and 0 A's |
12 |
6 |
|
-- |
5 |
Clev |
none |
N/A |
no one |
Faced RT Ryan Tucker |
N/A |
none |
----- |
Finished game with 2 solos (not the 3 as listed in boxscore) and 5 A, all
laden with soft cheese |
27 |
1 |
|
-- |
6 |
@ Denv |
none |
N/A |
no one |
Faced RT Matt Lepsis |
N/A |
none |
---- |
Finished game with 2 solos & 0 A's |
20 |
13 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
���������������������������� Totals to date�
� |
117 |
65 |
As you can see -- hold your laughter, please -- Big Jason is
good for about 1 or 2 tackles per game.�
For $23M, this is quite a bargain.�
Hell, with this kind of bone-jarring impact, Rooney would be wise to
just sign 4 clones of GilDong, and play 5-on-11.� Who needs real defenders when one can have a $23M paper
tiger?�����
We also keep track of the pertinent stats here at
Stillers.com.� In fact, back in 2002 we
expanded our "Dong stats".� In
addition to the ever popular, Generally Accepted Dong Principles
(GADP, similar to GAAP) of the Dong Sack, we added a few more,
specifically to aid in the accurate tracking of Jason GilDong's value (or lack
thereof) to the team.�
These new stats are:
- Flailing whiffs.�
Jason, the renowned master of the Flop & Flail, has done this
with such frequency and adroitness that this stat is a surefire addition to the
NFL's lexicon.� This stat will include
the infamous Flop & Flail, in which Jason flops to his knees and then
feebly flails, as well as the numerous varieties of Jason's awkward, duckfooted
flails against ballcarriers that are otherwise dead to rights against an NFL
tackler who actually knows something about technique, balance, and
hitting.�
- 1st downs allowed.�
1st downs are the piranhas that eat away at a defense and allow the
offense to chew clock, win field position, and move the ball into scoring
range.� Personally allowing a first down
is an egregious boner that allows the enemy's offense to remain on the field
and forces the defense to stay out longer.
- TDs allowed.�
Obviously, the bottom line in football is the scoreboard, and allowing a
TD is such a bad play that about 12 sacks are required to even come close to
atoning for it.}�
Here are the regular season totals thus far for
Jason, in 6 games:
Earned Sacks: 1
Dong Sacks�: 0�
Strips, Jars, fumbles caused: 0
INTs caused: 0
Flailing Whiffs: 6
First downs allowed: 12
TDs allowed:� 3
Just look at these stats, folks.� 6 flailing whiffs from the "defensive captain" who is
playing in his 9th season and is raking in $23M.� 12 first downs allowed, which is an embarrassing number for any
defender, much less the highest paid defender on the team.� 3 TDs allowed, which is grossly
unacceptable.� But hey, "Jason had
a sack".� INTs caused -- zero,
just like Jason's value to the team.�
And note that, despite the absurd cries from The
Gildongites and the Pittsburgh media about, "always dropping into
coverage", and "dropping into coverage as much as he rushed",
you'll notice that Jason has 117 rushes versus 65 "drop-backs into
coverage."�� 117 to 65 --
nearly double -- yet we're still continually fed the bald-faced babble about
how Poor Jason is deprived of his rabid sack-monging because he toiled back in
pass defense at such an excessive rate rather than rushing the QB.�
As we saw last year, 2002 was the Year of the Grande'
Excuse for Jason GilDong.� Never
before has a player's overly piss-poor play been covered up with some many
weak, no-brained, unfactual excuses, as was Jason GilDong's in 2002.� The first part of the season, the #1
lame-assed excuse was, "Jason is back in coverage all the time".� We here at Stillers.com easily dispelled
that load of bull.� Then came,
"Jason is being gang-blocked by 2, 3, even 4 blockers on every
play."� Again, we made a mockery of that fairy tale.� Then it was "the scheme"�it was
all Timmy Lewis' fault that all the other LBs were hitting and making plays,
while Jason was AVOIDING contact and pussing out.� Late in the season, the new excuse-de-jour for Jason GilDong
became, "Jason needs to get back to the bull rush."�� Bullrush??�
As you fans can attest to, it looked (and smelled) more like bullshit.
Last year
also saw the proliferation of new nicknames for Jason GilDong.�� In random order, his long list of current
monikers includes:
The Paper Tiger
Joggin' Jason��
Jakin' Jason
The Kong of Dong�
The Flopper
The Princess of Cheeze�
The $23M Fraud
The Gilded Dong
Mister Cheeze (taken from Lynrd Skynrd's Mr. Breeze)
Jason The Gimcrack�
Roadkill Gildon
The Duckfooted Boy Blunder
The Floppy Dong
The 6 Million Dollar Dong�
The Bullshitting Bullrusher
The Bully of Bullrushing
Sir Flop n' Flail
Sir Flopalot
Stay tuned. As the season resumes, we here at Stillers.com
will compile The GilDong Report 2-3 days after each game. After
all, the great fans of the Steelers deserve to know the real truth behind the
team's biggest fraud, The 6 Million Dollar Dong, Jason GilDong.�
���� 
����
(Still
Mill and Stillers.com -- the only nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh
Stillers that has accurately predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3
Stiller playoff losses�.)